So there’s this dude Thomas
he’s a poet
which means he has nothing better to do than lie under a tree all day being poor
(why yes I am aware of my chosen career
why do you ask)
this actually works bizarrely well for him
because all of a sudden this GLORIOUS HOT CHICK rolls up
on her INSANELY BELL-COVERED HORSE
seriously this horse has like SIXTY GODDAMN BELLS ON IT
and Thomas is like “holy shit
the Virgin Mary
or Mary Magdalene
one of those Marys
whatever
what I’m trying to say is you’re so hot it’s BIBLICAL”
and the chick is like “Thanks but no
I’m actually the elf queen
wanna make out?”
and Thomas is like “Ok”
and the elf queen is like “Cool.”

So they make out and then she’s like “Good job
come with me to Elfland
you will live with me there for seven years
we will probably have sex
like, a lot
it’s sort of implied.”
and Thomas is like “Shit yes
what did I do to deserve this random magic hotness?”
and the elf queen is like “Dude I really have no idea.”

So Tom gets on the jangly horse
and they start riding
and they ride WAY THE HELL OUT THERE until they cross a desert
at which point Tom is like “Damn woman, slow down
I am hungry
it looks like there is some fruit on these trees over here
lemme just-”
but the elf queen is like “NOPE.
DON’T EAT THE FRUIT
IT IS FULL OF POISON AND CURSES”
and Tom is like “What?
…Why?”
and she is like “Dude I really have no idea
but what I do have is a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine
let’s get drunk and I will show you the roads to heaven, hell and Elfland
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

She literally means she will show him all those roads
the one to heaven is really thin and hard to find
the one to hell is like a superhighway of orgies and nastiness
and the road to elfland is just the road to elfland
so that’s where they go.
Oh except did I say it was just a normal road?
Shit guys, I’m sorry
what I meant was it’s a SEA OF BLOOD
BECAUSE EVERY TIME BLOOD FALLS OUT OF A BODY
IT ENDS UP IN ELFLAND
ELFLAND IS JUST A HUGE BOWL OF BLOOD
SLOSHING AROUND LIKE A SMOOTHIE MADE OF HORROR MOVIES
JUST BLOOD
BLOOD
BLOOD
BLOOD
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT
THIS IS WHAT THIS WOMAN IS QUEEN OF.

But eventually they make it out of all that blood
and into a field
where there is a tree with fruit on it
and the elf queen is like “Okay remember when I said don’t eat the fruit?
Now you can eat the fruit
this fruit is magic and it will make it so you can never lie.”
and Thomas is like “Why the fuck would I want to eat that fruit
I am a poet
lying is like
my entire thing.”
but the elf queen is just like “Dude
I just led you here
through a literal SEA OF BLOOD
on my MAGIC HORSE
so you could spend SEVEN YEARS PROBABLY HAVING SEX WITH ME.
EAT THE FUCKING APPLE.”
and Thomas is like “Jeeze, okay.”
Then he stays around for seven years
and when he comes back he can’t lie
so his career is over
but he starts a new career as a pretty successful prophet
so that’s cool.

So the moral of the story is don’t talk to strangers
even if they’re really really hot.

The end.