At the behest of Patreon
today I will be filling in some holes in the story of Baldur’s death
as originally told by cowardly murder victim Snorri Sturluson
(hehe holes)
(I’m sorry)
(I didn’t want to turn this opening paragraph into sexual innuendo)
(do you ever feel like you’re trapped in your life?)
(like every successive boner joke sucks out a little more of your life force?)
(hehe, suck)

Right so Baldur is dead
we covered this years ago
but what we didn’t talk about
was his FUNERAL
WOOO FUNNNNNN

okay I was being sarcastic when i said woo fun
but actually the funeral is pretty dope
I mean you guys know what a viking funeral is right?
it’s when you put a dead body in a boat
and then set the boat on fire
aka THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WAY TO BE CREMATED

obviously Baldur is a viking so he is getting a viking funeral
but the problem is that Baldur is the most viking viking ever
which would not be a problem if he was alive obviously
but is a problem now because he has THE BIGGEST BOAT IN THE WORLD
his boat even has a NAME i don’t give a shit about
so the gods load Baldur’s body into the boat
but then they’re like “shit
how are we going to get this boat into the water?”
and Thor’s like “Uh, hey”
and the gods are like “If only one of us was strong enough to push it”
and Thor’s like “Hello guys, hey”
and the gods are like “Hmm … looks like we’re going to need a giantess for this”
and Thor’s like “HEY COME ON.”

But they do it
they invite a giantess named Hyrrokin
and she shows up riding a wolf
with DEADLY SNAKES as a bridle
probably wearing a leather jacket and smoking like 9 cigarettes
and Thor is like “Somebody’s trying a little too hard”
but nobody hears him because the motor on Hyrrokin’s wolf is too loud

So then Hyrrokin gets off her wolf
and Odin sends four berserkers to hold it
(and remember
berserkers are the elite viking warriors who are SO VIOLENT
that if you’re sending them into battle
you better make sure there are enough enemies to kill
because if there aren’t, they’ll make up the quota with your dudes)
and the four berserkers can’t calm the wolf down
without beating it totally fucking senseless
so Hyrokkin walks away from this bloody wolf melee
not even looking back
takes off her shades
and is like “Yo
Somebody call for a boat moving specialist?”
and everybody’s like “SO COOL”
and Thor is like “I mean i have a hammer only I can lift but whatever”

Then Hyrrokin goes up to the boat
and she’s like “Haha is this the boat you need moved?
I almost didn’t see it because it’s SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT
it’s like a rowboat had a baby with another, smaller rowboat
fucking adorable
now watch this drive”
and she punches that boat into the water SO HARD
that the logs they put under the boat to help it go into the water
CATCH FUCKING FIRE
and there’s an EARTHQUAKE
and Hyrrokin is like “Wow that was easy
what’s next?
yall got some jars you need opened or anything?”
and Thor’s like “I’LL OPEN YOUR JAR YOU FUCKING SHOW-STEALER”
but before he can whip out his hammer everybody’s like “Whoa dude
chill out
don’t know what you’ve got against our cool new best friend Hyrrokin
no need to get mad
just because she was literally the only one strong enough to do this”
and Thor is like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALRIGHT THEN
JUST GONNA BLESS THIS FUNERAL PYRE WITH MY HAMMER THEN
YOU KNOW
THE HAMMER I HAVE BECAUSE I’M THE STRONGEST”
and everyone’s like “Cool dude whatever”

Then Baldur’s wife is really sad for some reason
so she throws herself on the fire and immediately dies
and they throw Baldur’s horse in the fire too
and that golden ring that shits out other rings
so basically all their best stuff
and during the ceremony
Thor kicks a dwarf named Litur into the fire too
and nobody says anything about it
because fuck dwarves.

So the moral of the story
is next time you go to a funeral
show up riding a fucking wolf

the end