So continuing with last Saturday’s theme of giants stealing children
here’s a story about love, loss, and culinary ineptitude
it comes from indonesia,
(and therefore this website)
which someone told me gives it hipster cred

So there’s this childless couple
they really want kids
which seems to be the problem with most childless couples
at least according to all these stories
seriously
why can’t people in folklore just chill out and focus on their careers?
anyway one day a giant shows up
and is like guys
I have heard you crying about your baby problems
and I have here a baby solution
no I am NOT talking about my semen for once
I am actually talking about this bag of CUCUMBER SEEDS
HOORAY, CUCUMBER SEEDS

so he leaves the seeds with them
without any explanation
and since there’s no instruction manual or anything
the couple decides to plant the seeds and see what happens
what happens is this:
a cucumber plant grows
but not just any cucumber plant
a GOLDEN cucumber plant
with a GOLDEN veggie-wang dangling right off it
and it gets pretty big
and these people are both sort of unsure what to do with it
when it pops open and a BABY comes out of it
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH FUCK POD PEOPLE

but instead of killing the baby with fire before it can fully develop and supplant the populace
they decide to raise it as their own
and it becomes a she
and she is named Timun Mas
which means something like Cucumber Face
which is not a nice thing to name your baby.

Anyway all goes well for seventeen years
Cucumber Face is getting way hotter than her name would imply
and she is getting ready to start pulling more wang than a rickshaw driver in downtown Hong Kong
when all of a sudden that fucking giant comes back
like HAHA THOSE SEEDS WERE A LOAN AND I’VE COME TO COLLECT
and Timun’s parents are all like SHIT SHIT SHIT
QUICK, CUCUMBER FACE
RUN AWAY
TO ASSIST YOUR ESCAPE, HERE IS A BAG OF CONDIMENTS!

Seriously
their master plan is to give her a sack which contains salt
chili powder
cucumber seeds
and shrimp paste
and instead of using these things to cook the giant a spicy people stew
Timun wisely runs away before shit can get any stupider
so she’s running
and the giant is chasing her
and this bag of useless shit is getting pretty heavy
so she chucks all the salt at the giant
because salt is cheap
and the salt TURNS INTO AN OCEAN
holy balls
where did Timun’s parents get this shit
ocean-causing salt has all kinds of really terrifying military applications.
so she keeps running
and the giant swims across the sea and keeps chasing
so she throws the chili powder at him
and it turns into TREES
which does not even make the minimum amount of sense required for a fairytale
so the giant just ignores them
which forces her to chuck all the cucumber seeds
which turn into
…wait for it…
CUCUMBERS
which the giant eats
and then he gets sleepy and passes out

but wait
didn’t we already establish that cucumbers are where babies come from?
so Timun just saved her own life
at the cost of like A THOUSAND BABIES?
GREAT JOB CUCUMBER-FACE
GREAT JOB BEING THE JOSEPH STALIN OF AGRICULTURE

but the problem with naps is that eventually you wake up
so the giant gets up and KEEPS CHASING
and all Timun has left is that shrimp paste
so she throws it
and it turns into a swamp
and the giant drowns, the end

so the moral of the story
is that if you are running from some kind of loan-sharking goliath
and you need to lighten your load
throw away your grossest posession FIRST
because it is probably also the most magical
and also who the fuck wants to carry shrimp paste around?

the end.