I was kind of half-intending to do this myth for a while, but then I forgot
thankfully I can count of Rastafarian Action Dynamo Razz “Clever Dan” Amsterdam
to leap out of my forehead Athena-style at opportune intervals
and remind me about important things
it’s great, you should try it

So I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have storm gods
but those motherfuckers are nothing but problems
we’ve got Zeus for starters
I don’t even wanna open that can of worms right now
but as if Zeus wasn’t enough
we also have one of the ultimate prodigies of irrational sex and violence
ladies and gentlemen allow me to present to you:
SUSANOO

now I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking SUSANOO sounds like an overacted exclamation from a bad soap opera
my friends, I assure you it is not
it is actually the name of the Japanese god of storms
birthed by Izanagi when he washed his nose one time

So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy
and on his way out he goes to say goodbye to his sister Amaterasu
now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on the best of terms
so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying to play one last prank on her
like on his way out
but Susanoo is like noo sis I just wanna say goodbye
here
let me prove my sincerity to you
by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD CONTEST
and Amaterasu is like sure okay

so what they do
is they each pick an inanimate object
and see how many gods they can make the object give birth to
because in ancient Japan
causing unlikely things to give birth
is a time-honored tradition

so Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword
and she makes it give birth to three chicks
i don’t think i want to know the details of that one
and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s necklace to make five dudes
jeeze the longer i think about this the weirder it becomes
but anyway they finish doing this
and Susanoo is like well I guess I win
because my sword was what gave birth to chicks
and chicks are worth double points
and for some reason they don’t argue over this at all
and everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because seeing as he is the god of storms
it takes all of six seconds for Susanoo to start making bad decisions
everyone is basically just going around minding their own business
when WHAM WHAM WIMMY WOZZLE here comes Susanoo
he shits all over his sister’s rice fields
then cuts up a fucking pony and throws it at her loom
and then kills one of her attendants for no good reason
basically you can tell he didn’t spend very long planning this rampage
but even so, it ends up being so horrible that the SUN GETS SAD
and it’s dark for a while so that sucks

so of course now he gets exiled for REAL
and he’s wandering around down on earth
when he sees this man and woman crying all over their daughter
and he’s like whoa whoa stop that
what’s going on?
and they’re like oh
well, see, we used to have eight daughters
but every year for the last seven years
one of them has been eaten by the YAMATA NO OROCHI
and Susanoo is like uh
what is that?
and they’re like WELL
it’s a snake
but instead of one head it has eight
and instead of one tail it has eight
and instead of being normal snake size it is as long as eight hills and eight valleys
ARE YOU BEGINNING TO NOTICE A THEME?
also moss grows on its back and its eyes are like cherries
I don’t know how the world turtle and santa claus got mixed in here
but GOD DAMMIT THIS THING IS SCARY
and Susanoo is like pshaw my friends
I am the god of storms
romping and stomping shit is what I DO
how about you let me have your daughter, and I will kill this big snake
and the parents are like ok sure sweet

so immediately Susanoo goes WAZZAP KAGOW
and turns the daughter
(whose name is beautiful rice-field princess by the way)
into a comb
which he immediately stuffs in his hair
presumably to keep her safe
but more likely because he has no idea how sex actually works
we are talking about guy who has made a career out of forcing necklaces to give birth
and then he’s like ALRIGHT GUYS
HERE’S THE PLAN:
I need you to build eight gates
and eight pedestals to put behind the eight gates
and I want you to make eight pots
full of booze that has been distilled EIGHT TIMES
because we’re kind of on a roll with the whole eight thing
and then i want you to set that shit up
and we should be good

so they set all that shit up
and pretty soon the bigass snake comes along
and it smells the octuple-distilled booze and is like OH SHIT
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS HAVING A PARTY
TIME TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE LIQUOR CONTENT OF THAT PARTY INTO MY STOMACH
which is basically what I yell every time i show up to a party

but so yeah, the snake gets absolutely trashed
every single one of its heads is bobbing and weaving and seeing cartoon birds
and then they all pass out
at which point susanoo just strolls by
idly decapitating all eight heads in succession
except he only gets halfway when his sword his something and TOTALLY BREAKS
oh no wait it’s fine
it turns out what he broke his sword on is just A BRAND NEW SWORD
so it looks like it all worked out in the end
pretty soon after that i think they let him back into heaven
because who is going to argue with a guy who just decapitated a snake eight times

so the moral of the story
is no matter what shape or size
drunk animals are HILARIOUS

the end.