Tolkein Told You That WHOLE OTHER STORY So He Could Tell You This One:

Wow I totally forgot to post a myth on Monday.
Here it is.
After this I’ma tell a myth from a specific mythos
hand-selected by my 5-dollar and up Patreon backers
let’s wrap up the fukkin Silmarillion
with this story about evil fashion accessories.

So right after Morgoth gets banished
Sauron starts freaking out
and he actually tries to repent for all his sins
but ultimately there’s just too much paperwork
so he goes back to being evil instead.
Sauron rocks at being evil
because he can shapeshift into a hot dude
and everybody trusts hot dudes.
So he goes to the elves like “Hey let’s be bros”
and the elves are like “sure, you seem hot.”

So Sauron hangs out with the elves for a while
and he convinces them to start making RINGS OF POWER
the elves seriously make so many rings
they are just cranking those fuckers out
but then Sauron pulls a dick move
(the only kind of move he is capable of pulling)
(I just got an image of a guy standing in front of a mirror
practicing dick moves)
the dick move is to go back to his evil castle
and make one ring
ahem, I mean One Ring
that basically just has root access to all the other rings
but the elves realize what’s going on
and they all just take off their rings
and Sauron is like FUCK
and he tries to kill them and take their rings
but mostly they destroy them
and they keep the last three
which are pretty nice rings
but they can’t wear them because of evil.

So Sauron learns from his mistake
and tries the exact same scam with the dwarves and the humans
giving them seven and nine rings respectively.
this works perfectly
because men are stupid and greedy as fuck
and dwarves are dwarves.
The rings make the dwarves lust for gold
which is like if you forged a ring to make soup hot and wet
and then gave it to a bunch of dwarves
who proceeded to fuck it because dwarves fuck gold.

The humans are the worst at ring-having.
The dudes who have the rings turn into crazy powerful sorcerors
who can turn invisible whenever they want
but then suddenly they’re invisible all the time
and they have to do what Sauron says
and they’re all like “Aw jeeze.”

Sauron gets sick of rings though
and decides to just kill everybody.
The humans of Numenor try to stop him from doing that
but we already know what happens to them.
After that, his evil ghost runs back to Mordor
and he builds himself a new body out of steel and hatred.

Meanwhile, a few dudes have escaped the destruction of Numenor
Most important is this dude Elendil the tall
(he’s important because he is tall)
Elendil has two sons: Isildur and Anarion
and they become co-rulers of the survivors
and build two huge towers to live in
called Minas Ithil and Minas Anor
and spend most of their time looking into crystal balls
until Sauron finally decides to say fuck it and kill everybody for real

But it’s totally fine
because the elves and the humans totally team up to smack him down
except it’s not super fine, because Elendil and Anarion die
and Elendil’s sweet magic sword gets broken.
but it’s fine after all, because Isildur kills Sauron
and cuts off his ring hand with the shards of his dad’s magic sword
and takes his One Ring
and when Elrond, one of the elf-lords asks him to destroy it
by throwing it into the volcano it was forged in
he’s like “naw” and keeps it
and then he gets killed by some orcs when the ring betrays him in a river
and the ring escapes and gets found by some dumb fisherman
who turns into an evil ghoul and lives in a cave for a century
thus ensuring that Sauron’s power will remain in the world
and guaranteeing his ultimate resurrection
ultimate verdict

Oh yeah, remember those three elf rings?
Those are still around
apparently just having them nearby makes your city last forever
which means it’s really easy to spot where they are.
Elrond has one of them
Galadriel has another one of them
and the third one
Who knows.
Probably somebody who wasn’t in the movies.

Anyway, Sauron starts coming back to life
like everybody knew he would
and gathers as many rings to himself as he can
including the nine rings from the humans
and three he managed to get from the dwarves
and he’s looking SO HARD for that one ring
but like, why though
he already has 12 rings by my count
that is too many to wear.
Oh well
I guess loving bling isn’t a crime.
I mean, wanting to end all life on earth is a crime
but whatver.

Surprisingly the Valar actually get off their asses and do something about this
… kind of
I mean, they don’t come to Middle Earth themselves
but they do send a bunch of old dudes to make sure things are okay.
These old dudes are called Istari
which is just a fancy word for FUCKING WIZARDS.
One of them is Gandalf
one of them is Saruman
one of them is a dirty goddamn hippy named Radagast Shitrobe
and there are a bunch of other ones too but they don’t matter.

So Gandalf spends all his time wandering around fighting evil
and figuring out what Sauron’s plans are
while Saruman wastes absolutely no time getting corrupted by Sauron
and searching desperately for the One Ring so he can use it to screw everybody else in the entire world
like he’s forgotten the first rule of wizardry:
“bros before eldritch artifacts of practically limitless power.”

Meanwhile, the nine humans who got corrupted by the rings come back
they’re called the Nazgul now, and they look exactly like how that name sounds
and they take over Minas Ithil and rename it Minas Morgul
because bad guys get to name things too
and Minas Anan, not to be outdone, renames itself to Minas Tirith
And at this point everything is pretty well set up for the lord of the rings:
Bilbo the hobbit finds the ring in the cave
gives it to his son Frodo
Frodo flails and whines his way to Mount Doom and destroys the ring
A dude named Aragorn turns out to be the direct descendant of Isildur
and reforges the sword that got broken in that battle all those years before
Gandalf solves basically every problem anyone ever has
and everybody lives happily ever after.

All of that isn’t important.
What’s important is that after all that
it turns out that Gandalf was the dude who had the third elf ring LIKE THE WHOLE TIME
and he didn’t tell ANYONE
so you know that scene near the beginning of Lord of the Rings
when Frodo tries to give the ring to Gandalf
What he really meant was
“Nah thanks bro I’m good I already got one.”

It doesn’t really matter though
because once the one ring is destroyed, the other rings don’t work anymore
stupid proprietary technology.
This means that all the elf cities are doomed to fade away and die
so the elves are like “You know what? Fuck it.
Middle Earth has been an endlessly shitty place for as long as we can remember
let’s fulfill the promise of our ancestors
and go live in an immortal party castle forever.”
So they do
and now it’s just humans
sitting around in the ruins of another massive world war
but it’s joke’s on the elves
because at least humans get the gift of death!

That’s the end of the Silmarillion
which is basically a story about how the world was prophesied to suck
and then ended up sucking, just like the prophecy said
all because some jerkass couldn’t play along with the band during rehearsal
so ultimately, according to Tolkein
the root of all evil
is death metal and fancy jewelry.

Man, dude would fucking hate glam-rock.


16 thoughts on “Tolkein Told You That WHOLE OTHER STORY So He Could Tell You This One:

  1. It always bummed me out that Cirdan the Shipwright never received but a SINGLE line of dialogue throughout both The Silmarillion and Lord of the Rings. I think he tells Gandalf something like, ‘Your labors are going to be hard. Take this ring.’ And that’s it. I think we’re talking the last chapter of The Silmarillion, ‘On the Rings…’. Makes sense.

  2. Sometimes I read things here and imagine how cool they would be if they were translated into imposing Latin and used as family mottos.

    “Let’s fulfill the promise of our ancestors
    and go live in an immortal party castle forever.”

    • I’m a little tardy to the party here, but I couldn’t resist.
      Prómissum nostrum maióris exsequámus
      et in régiam compotationis immortalis in aeternum vivámus.
      You’re welcome.

  3. Buddy… I fucking loved your retelling of Tolkien. Laughing my ass off.

    One thing though… Frodo is Bilbos cousin, not his son. Not sure if you did that one on purpose or not…

      • Actually, he was both his nephew and cousin, as Gaffer Gamgee explains very early in the Lord of the Rings (Like, before the Long Awaited Party early). Although he was named legal heir, he was not made Bilbo’s son.

      • Actually, he was both his nephew and cousin, as Gaffer Gamgee explains very early in the Lord of the Rings (Like, before the Long Awaited Party early). Although he was named legal heir, he was not made Bilbo’s son

  4. Thanks a lot for doing all this. It was very funny and I greatly enjoyed reading it.

    I am excited to see which absurdly ambitious project you embark on next!

      • Elrond had Vilya, the Ring of Water (?). Galadriel had Nenya, the Ring of Adamant. Gandalf had Narya, the Ring of Fire; originally Cirdan had Narya but then he gave it to Gandalf. Cirdan was also the only Elf to have a fabulous beard.

        • Gladriel had Nenya which was the “Ring of Water” and also known as the “Ring of Adamant” because adamant is an old word for diamond and that ring was set with a diamond.

          Elrond *did* have Vilya, which was the “Ring of Air” and set with a (sky) blue stone.

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