Alright my little boner bundles
today’s myth is from Russia
and I would not even know about it
if not for the tender ministrations
of sexy chef Marjoram “Garlic Love” Cuminstein
here it goes:

Okay so there’s this chick Vasalissa
she has a mom for like ten minutes
and during those ten minutes
her mom gives her a doll and she is like “yo
this doll is magical as fuck
if you feed it food
it will talk to you and solve all your problems.”
then the mom dies
because this is a fairytale and that is how they do

let’s fast forward real quick
because if you’ve read any fairytale ever
you probably know what happens next:
the dad marries some bitch with two bitchy daughters
and then proceeds to go on a ton of business trips and shit
to give the evil stepmother ample time for child abusin’
the only difference is that in this story
Vasalissa pretty much gives no fucks
because every time her stepmother gives her a shitty chore to do
the magic doll just does it instead
and whenever she gets upset and asks the doll what to do
the doll is just like “whatever bitch
just go to sleep”
and then she does and she feels great

So basically Vasalissa spends years literally doing nothing but sleeping
well
sleeping and stuffing food into a doll’s mouth
and then finally her dad goes away on the ULTIMATE BUSINESS TRIP
and her stepmother is like “yo
Vasalissa
it looks like your dad abandoned us
he stopped sending us money and stuff
TIME TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS”
except that what is really happening
is that the stepmother is hiding all the money and the letters
that the dad is writing
and she really just wants to move because all the neighbors hate her
because she sucks
honestly, though
this seems like a pretty dumb decision to me
because if they go live in the middle of the woods
how is the evil stepmother gonna get at all the money the dad sends home?
i do not think they had mail forwarding in ancient sad-ass russia
seems like this crazy jerk lady is just screwing herself out of free money
but whatever

so anyway, now they’re out in the middle of the woods
and Vasalissa is freaking out
so she stuffs some food into her doll and she’s like “doll
what do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch, be cool
just go to sleep.”
and Vasalissa is like “wow, that makes me feel a lot better!”
and then she does.

so this goes on for a while
and when Vasalissa repeatedly fails to just die in the forest
the stepmother gets impatient and comes up with a plan
so what she does is she gets both her daughters
and puts them in a room with Vasalissa
and has them all start sewing
and then she goes around and turns off all the candles in the house
except for the one in the sewing room
and then WHOOPS
she accidentally turns off that one too
and then she’s like “OH NO
VASALISSA
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE TO GO TO OUR NEIGHBOR TO GET SOME FIRE
BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE MATCHES IN OLD SAD-ASS RUSSIA
too bad our closest neighbor is none other
than BABA FUCKING YAGA
THAT MEAN-ASS WITCH WITH METAL TEETH AND A BAAAD ATTITUDE”
and Vasalissa
seeing as she has spent her entire life so far pretty much consequence-free
is like “okay, that sounds cool
see you punks later”

So she goes over to Baba Yaga’s house
and on the way she gets passed by some white dude on a white horse
and all of a sudden the sun starts coming up
and then this red dude on a red horse rides by
and the sun comes all the way up!
and then when she finally gets to Baba Yaga’s house
(which is a constantly spinning penthouse on chicken legs
surrounded by a fence made of skulls, hands, teeth and fire)
this black dude on a black horse rides by her
and jumps over the fence
and DISAPPEARS
and then it is night time
and then Baba Yaga finally shows up
riding her magic mixing bowl
by jamming her mixing rod into it over and over again
in a totally nonsexual way
and covering her tracks with a broom
even though logically she shouldn’t be making any tracks
because her mixing bowl FUCKING FLIES
but whatever

so Baba Yaga rolls up and she sees Vasalissa
and she’s like “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU”
and Vasalissa is like “I’m Vasalissa and I need some matches or something”
and Baba Yaga is like “Well I don’t have matches
this being old sad-ass russia
but what I DO have are skulls full of fire
would you like a skull full of fire?”
and Vasalissa is like “uh yes please
that sounds totally rad”
and Baba Yaga is like “TOO BAD.
You know what you get instead?
You get to do INFINITE CHORES FOR ME
and if you fuck even one chore up
I WILL EAT YOU
RAAAAAAA”
and Vasalissa is like “ok, sounds good to me”

But actually Vasalissa is freaking the fuck out
so she finds some scraps from Baba Yaga’s massive dinner
and she feeds them to the doll like “what the fuck do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch,
chill.
Go to sleep.”
And Vasalissa is like “Oh man that makes me feel much better”
and then she goes to sleep.
Is it just me, or could this doll have been easily replaced by some Vicodin?

Anyway, in the morning Baba Yaga gives Vasalissa a ton of chores
and then leaves
and then the doll does all the chores like a boss
other than the cooking
because I guess if the doll could cook for itself
then it could eat the food
and ask itself questions
and then it would tell itself to just shut the fuck up and go to sleep
and then it wouldn’t be much use to anybody.
BUT WHATEVER
Baba Yaga comes back and is pretty disappointed that she can’t eat the girl
which is pretty dumb, because she totally can eat the girl
I mean the girl is right fucking there
trapped inside her fence of death and fire
and Baba Yaga has a whole mouth full of METAL TEETH
so really she can eat anything she wants
she could eat the fucking fence if she felt like it
and she’s stuck trying to get Vasalissa on a technicality?
what the balls.
I guess I shouldn’t complain though
because this is good news for Vasalissa
it means she gets to spend even ANOTHER day in the house
doing MORE CHORES
(which the doll does for her)
and then Baba Yaga comes home again and is like “DAMMIT
NOW ALL MY HOUSEWORK IS DONE AND I DON’T GET TO EAT CHILDREN.”
A common problem, I’m told.

Oh yeah, and while this is all going on
those different colored horsemen keep showing up
the white dude shows up in the morning
the red dude shows up at sunrise
and the black dude shows up at nightfall
and so on the second night
when Baba Yaga is eating her massive dinner
Vasalissa is like “Hey can I ask you some questions?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Sure
just be forewarned
sometimes I randomly kill people who ask me questions.”
and Vasalissa is like “Okay, that’s cool. So who’s that white dude on the horse?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the morning. He works for me.”
and Vasalissa is like “What about the red dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the dawn. He is also an employee of mine.”
and Vasalissa is like “And the black dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Are you seriously not seeing a pattern here?
Like, come on
your wilful ignorance is making me really want to randomly kill you for no reason”
and Vasalissa is like “Uh, No further questions!”
and Baba Yaga is like “DAMN RIGHT
Now I get to ask YOU a question:
how come you were able to do all those chores I made you do?”
and Vasalissa is like “Oh, I have this magic doll that my mother blessed.”
and Baba Yaga is like “Oh shit, why didn’t you say so?
I am totally allergic to blessings
so I need you to get out of my house immediately.
Here, have a skull full of fire!”

So Vasalissa runs home with the fire skull
and when she gets home it turns out that her step-family really sucks at fire
like they haven’t been able to light a single goddamn candle
the whole time Vasalissa’s been gone
so they’ve basically been starving to death because of the mom’s amazing plan
and then it gets even better
because as soon as Vasalissa brings the skull into the house
it runs around and sets everyone on fire
(except vasalissa and her doll)
and then Vasalissa just goes back home and waits for her dad to come back
and the later gets married to a king or something!

So the moral of the story
is that talking to your action figures is not just sound romantic practice
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE.

The end.