Life Sucks When You Don’t Have Hands

This fairytale I am about to tell you
comes courtesy of some chick named Scarlett Messenger
seriously that’s her name
I couldn’t make up a name that sweet if I tried
it’s like she’s probably running around right now
delivering scarlet messages to absolutely everybody all the time
but anyway yeah here’s a weird story:

so there’s this miller

he’s mega poor
all he’s got is his mill
and an apple tree directly behind the mill
so one day he’s out in the forest chopping some wood
and this old man comes up to him like HEY
WHY YOU WASTIN’ TIME CHOPPING WOOD
I CAN MAKE YOU RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GIVE ME WHATEVER IS BEHIND YOUR MILL
and the miller is like seriously?
SWEET
all I got back there is some damn apple tree
it’s not suspicious at all that you made the request so general
and did not ask specifically for my apple tree
LET’S SHAKE ON IT
MAYBE SIGN A CONTRACT IN BLOOD
I DUNNO
and the old man is like HAHAHA SWEET
I WILL BE BACK IN 3 YEARS TO COLLECT MY PAYMENT
maybe you guys didn’t guess
but this old man is actually SATAN
OH SHIT

so the miller goes home
and his wife is like hey honey
what’s with all these vast riches that suddenly appeared in our house for no reason
and the miller is like oh funny story actually
I met satan and I promised him whatever was behind out mill
in exchange for vast riches suddenly appearing in my house
sweet deal right?
and his wife is like YOU IDIOT
OUR DAUGHTER WAS PLAYING IN THE YARD WHEN YOU MADE THAT DEAL
WHAT THE HELL

so the daughter finds out about this obviously
and spends the next few years being pious as fuck
and then when satan comes back
she draws a chalk circle around herself
and washes up real good
and satan gets there and he’s like OH DAMN
I CAN’T TAKE THIS GIRL AWAY
SHE IS TOO CLEAN
YOU THERE, MILLER
RESTRICT HER ACCESS TO BATHING WATER AND I WILL RETURN TOMORROW
OTHERWISE I WILL TAKE YOU INSTEAD
and then he leaves
and instead of doing the sensible thing and just taking a shower himself
the miller restricts his daughter’s access to baths for 24 hours
and then satan comes back
but see the problem is that the girl has cried into her hands SO HARD
that they are 100% DISINFECTED
and he’s like dammit man
now you gotta cut off your hands
and the miller is like uh sorry daughter
looks like I gotta cut off your hands
this totally hurts me more than it hurts you
and then he cuts off her hands
and satan leaves
and when he comes back the next day
the girl has cried onto her stumps SO HARD
that her FUCKING STUMPS ARE CLEAN
and at this point Satan is like you know what
fuck this
i’m leaving
and the miller is like sah-weet!
hey daughter
now we can live in luxury forever, right?
right?
and the daughter is like dude
you cut off my fucking hands
I’m out of here

so she starts walking
and pretty soon she sees this big garden surrounded by a moat
and she’s so hungry
but she can’t cross the moat
so then suddenly an angel comes down and dries up the moat with fire breath
and then leads her into the garden and helps her grab pears with her mouth
and the gardener sees this and he’s like what the fuuuuuck
and he tells the king
and the king is like uhh bullshit my friend
and the gardener is like if you don’t believe me then stay and watch tonight
so the king does
and he sees this chick
and he’s like hey girl what’s with the no hands?
and the girl is like well basically
my life sucks real bad and my dad is an asshole
and the king is like oh man
I suddenly want to marry you
I don’t even know why

so they get married
and the king makes some hands for her out of silver
which is pretty useless but it’s a nice gesture
and then he goes off to war
and he tells his mom to take good care of the girl if she ends up being pregnant
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
pretty soon she ends up being pregnant
but see Satan is not done fucking with this girl
because when the grandmother sends a message to the king
Satan makes the messenger fall asleep
and then replaces the message that says “Congratulations! It’s a boy!”
with one that says “Congratulations! It’s a HORRIBLE CHANGELING YOU SHOULD KILL IT”
but the king just reads the message and is like well
that’s weird
but i’m not gonna get all butthurt about it
and he sends back a message to that effect
but satan swaps it out AGAIN
so that instead of saying “Tell my son I say hi”
it says “KILL my son and cut out his EYES”
and the grandmother is pretty pissed about that
so instead of killing the kid
she kills a baby deer
and cuts out ITS eyes
and then is like hey queen girl
you should get the fuck out of here
NOW

so the queen gets the fuck out of there
and she goes into the woods
and she finds a place that says “ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME”
and she’s like sweet
perfect
just what I need
so she walks up to the door and a PURE WHITE VIRGIN COMES OUT
I don’t know it is obvious that she is a virgin
maybe she has a big V written on her face in lipstick or something
but anyway it turns out she’s an angel
and she has been specifically sent to give this chick a secret hideout
so she proceeds to hide out there for SEVEN YEARS
until the king comes home from the war
and he’s like hey mom
where’s my wife and son
and the gramma is like uh
you told me to cut out the kid’s eyes and tongue?
and the king is like WHAT?
NO.
SATAAAAAAAAAAAN!
and then he gets on his horse and rides absolutely everywhere
until he finds the cabin that says ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME
and he goes inside
and the pure white virgin is like hey guess what
your wife is here
also her son
whose name is “Filled-With-Grief”
pretty emo if you ask me
and then the queen busts out like HEY HUSBAND WHAT’S UP
and the king is like WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO YOU HAVE HANDS
because oh yeah
the queen was so pious and godly and stuff for seven years
that her FUCKING HANDS GREW BACK
and she’s like oh
you don’t believe it’s me, huh?
well here’s those useless shitty silver hands you made me
and the king is like oh
awesome
i guess it really is you
and then they live happily ever after
along with their son whose name is still Filled-With-Grief

so the moral of the story
is try not to name your kids during post-partum depression
it is a recipe for disaster

THE END.

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JESUS CHRIST FINALLY

Hey so it turns out that recording a video about jesus
while you are being forced by police to remain in constant motion
is harder than I thought
so I had to go home and catch up on some sleep
and do a video the old fashioned way

Seriously though, guys
the protesters occupying the space in front of the Federal Reserve here in Chicago are getting royally screwed. They can’t sleep there, they can’t store their stuff, in theory they can’t even sit down, and there’s not a decent spot for them to move to as far as I can see short of giving up the occupation altogether. The only solution I can see is if we get enough people out there that the cops can’t stop us all from setting up camp. So if you live in Chicago, and you’re sick to death of a select few evil bastards making millions by doing nothing more than sucking the lifeblood out of the American economy and buying out politicians, get down to Jackson and Lasalle and occupy already. If you don’t live in Chicago, find the occupation nearest you and do whatever you can to contribute. And don’t think living outside of the US is any excuse. There are occupations going down fucking EVERYWHERE. Who knows, I might even show up and tell you a story.

but yeah, here’s the video:

let’s beat the shit out of some moneylenders together, guys.

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God: Male Chauvenist, or Just a Huge Asshole?

Dude this is so rad
thanks to all yall who sent me approximately eighteen hojillion requests
these will keep me entertained/busy for a while
BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN STOP SENDING REQUESTS
seriously
this shit cuts down on my research time
which is helpful because I am in school

so this particular myth
comes to us from this cool lady who helped me make chili in Syracuse one time
(that’s right guys
if you help me make chili you jump to the front of the line)
her name is MEGA BULLDOZER LIGHTNINGSTEIN
this story predates the bible
but it is sort of about stuff that happens in the bible
so I guess it is like
reverse fanfiction?
like maybe the whole bible is a massive labyrinthian product
of this myth’s fan forums?

OKAY
so you remember the book of Genesis, right?
that’s the one where there’s a garden
and Adam is in it
and then he’s bored so God makes him a sex slave out of one of his ribs
but hold on there, cowboy
because before Eve
there used to be a different chick
her name was Lilith
and she was not made out of anybody’s ribs except her own
because originally
when god was making people
he decided to just go for broke and make man and woman at the same time
both out of the same dirt
if you think about it, that makes a lot more sense than what he ended up doing
but see here’s the problem
when you are made out of the same constituent materials as somebody else
as opposed to one of their ribs
you start to harbor problematic delusions of equality
and this manifests itself pretty quickly
as an argument over what position Adam and Lilith are gonna have sex in
see Adam wants to do it missionary style
he honestly cannot see this shit happening any other way
and Lilith is like Adam honey
let me give you a lesson in body mechanics:
that is pretty much the worst way we could possibly choose to have sex
short of standing on our hands on top of a bed of hot coals
and at least that would be interesting
plus i don’t want to get dirt on my back
so i am afraid we are going to have to have some girl on top sex
and Adam is like FUCK NO BITCH GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR
and Lilith is like alright well if you’re gonna be deliberately bad at sex
there’s really no reason for me to hang out here anymore
peace
and then she abruptly flies away
and Adam is like aw dammit what am I gonna do now?
GODDDDDDD
and God is like WHAT?
and Adam is like LILITH RAN WAY AND SHE SAID I WAS DELIBERATELY BAD AT SEX
and God is like WELL FUCK THAT
HOW ABOUT THIS:
I WILL SEND SOME ANGELS TO LET HER KNOW THAT SHE CAN EITHER COME BACK
OR HAVE 100 OF HER CHILDREN DIE EVERY DAY
and Adam is like okay sounds good

so God sends some angels to go get Lilith
and when they find her she’s floating in the middle of the red sea
and the angels are like hey Lilith
are you gonna come back to the garden of Eden?
and Lilith says that depends
is Adam still gonna be really bad at sex?
and the angels are like yeah
probably
and Lilith is like well then no
and the angels are like WE’RE GONNA DROWN YOU IN THE SEA
and Lilith is like no you aren’t
come on
how about instead I become responsible for sudden infant death syndrome
but I add a special exclusionary clause
for kids who are wearing amulets with your faces on them?
and the angels are like well that does appeal to our egotism
SOLD
oh also 100 of your children have to die each day
and Lilith is like oh whatever
I plan on having MORE THAN ENOUGH SEX TO MAKE THAT WORTHWHILE
and the angels kind of shrug their shoulders and go home
and God makes Adam a new wife out of one of his ribs
this time without all the pesky free will
and that dumb skank proceeds to doom all of humankind forever
by eating an apple just because a snake told her to

so the moral of the story
is do not be hesitant to try new things in bed
the fate of the world may hang in the balance

THE END

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Eshu Elegba gives Zeus a run for his money

Still occupying chicago
Still haven’t made that video
It’s in the works though
just be patient
you guys would probably be really amused
if i told you how i got this bible I’m reading
BUT THAT IS NOT THE STORY I’M TELLING
THE STORY I’M TELLING IS ANOTHER STORY ABOUT PROFESSIONAL CLEVERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE
ESHU ELEGBA
(by the way guys I am seriously fiending for some myth suggestions
so please suggest me some myths)

So let me tell you some facts about Eshu Elegba’s dick
FACT ONE:
Eshu Elegba’s dick has been at times referred to as
“The mythic humanizer of sex”
which was coincidentally also my nickname in college
FACT TWO:
there is a poem about Eshu Elegba’s dick that goes something like this:
ESHU’S PENIS IS HUGE
ONE TIME HE USED IT TO MAKE A BRIDGE
BUT IT BROKE IN HALF
ALL THE TRAVELERS DROWNED
my question here
is whose bright idea was it do walk across a giant dick bridge in the first place
BUT ANYWAY

having a large penis is not all fun and games guys
because it also leads to UNRULY BONERS GOING OFF ALL THE TIME
decapitating seagulls
skewering the international space station
let me give you an example:

so Eshu is traveling with his bro and his sis
they are pretending to be some wandering minstrels in a funeral procession
and they come across three chicks
who they proceed to murder
FOR NO REASON
okay
so far this sounds pretty reasonable
but so then what Eshu does
is he sneaks off with the corpses
has sex with them
has sex with his mother in law
then tops off this quadruple-decker sex sundae by having sex with a local princess
this princess is the daughter of king Metonofi
whose entire kingdom is completely impotent
because earlier Eshu flew over with a crop duster full of dick-don’t-work spray
and the king gets so fucking excited when he learns his daughter is pregnant
he is like ESHU
GREAT WORK
AS A REWARD
HOW ABOUT PICK SOMEONE AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM
IT CAN BE ANYONE
and Eshu is like duh
what do you think I’ve been doing
honestly I am not even that jazzed about the idea of spending valuable sex time
deciding on someone to have sex with
how about i just go back to fucking everything everywhere
in reverse alphabetical order
and the king is like okay well fair enough
how about I also declare you to be the intermediary between worlds?
and Eshu is like okay sounds fair
does that job involve any actual work though?
I predict that I will be pretty busy having sex basically all the time forever
so I hope it doesn’t involve any work
and the king is like oh Eshu you so crazy
thanks for knocking up my daughter
and Eshu is like who did what now?
nevermind I see something vaguely hole-shaped over there I’m gonna investigate

so the moral of the story
is if you find that you’ve killed someone
the safest course of action is to just fuck everyone in a twelve mile radius
you might even get sweet prizes

THE END.

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No Video Tonight Guys

I have been occupying Chicago for the better part of the last 48 hours
(actually more like two months but you know what I mean)
and while I have done the reading necessary to do the next Jesus video
I have not actually been at my computer long enough to record one
and I have slept even less than I have been at my computer.
I hope to record the next video on the street tomorrow in front of the fed
and you can enjoy wacky jesus hijinks then
(also this will not effect regular posts, I promise)
meanwhile
what the fuck are you guys doing reading this shit?
GET OUT THERE AND OCCUPY SOME SHIT.

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