today we are talking about Batman
slow your roll
because at the beginning of this story
this dude we are talking about
he ain’t even CALLED batman yet
because what the fuck kind of thing would that be to name your kid?
well okay, that’s not a fair question
it’s a totally rad thing to name a kid
(boy, girl, hermaphrodite, minotaur)
batman is always appropriate as a name for anything that you want to totally rock
but that is only because THIS DUDE
(whose name is BRUCE WAYNE)
WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO MAKE BATMAN A SAFE AND SWEET NAME FOR EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH.
He did this by having his parents murdered in front of him.
What’s that you say?
“Having your parents murdered in front of you is totally lame and not sweet at all?”
THAT IS A VERY INSENSITIVE THING TO SAY AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
but I am glad you said that because I was about to say the same thing
but as a rhetorical device though, not a legitimate statement
which I was then going to answer like so:
IT IS TOTALLY SWEET AND NOT LAME BECAUSE HIS PARENTS GET MURDERED AFTER AN OPERA
WHERE THEY WENT BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER WEALTHY AND OWN COMPANIES AND SHIT.
and they were killed for like NO REASON.
Nope, still lame.
They were killed by a dude named Joe Chill?
So Joe Chill stabs this dude’s parents
which is a particularly un-chill thing to do
but then again,
what kind of name is Joe Chill?
That’s almost as bad as Batman.
A name like that is practically BEGGING you to stab some dude’s parents.
like “Why do they call you Joe Chill, huh?”
“CAUSE I STAB DUDES’ PARENTS.”
Look, let’s move on.
even though Bruce Wayne sure as shit ain’t moving on.
He is so stuck on this shit
that he decides to devote his whole life to fighting crime
so he can prevent random murders of opera-going rich-folk like his hardworking billionaire parents.
To that end, he uses a bunch of company funds to go on vacation for a while
and also get super buff
and then he comes back home
back to his wisecracking butler, Alfred
dude has a butler
also a giant superhero cave under his house
and a mansion and yachts and DASHING GOOD LOOKS.
Dude has the hookups, is what I’m saying.
Here is what he does with those hookups:
HE USES THEM FOR GOOD
because I am assuming he got all the coke and whores out of his system during his long absence
or maybe he got them into his system
that is probably more like what happened.
How do you get hookers into your system?
don’t think too hard about that one.
He starts fighting crime
and at first the police are like HELL NAWWW
but then later, they’re like AWWW YEAH
and they make a big spotlight that has a bat on it
because OH YEAH I FORGOT
Bruce Wayne totally has a theme going on
and the theme is bats
because one night he’s like “Man,
I’m super ripped and I have all these high-tech gadgets and a superhero cave
but you know what I don’t have?
A really dumb costume”
and then SCREE-BAM
here comes a bat flying in through his window
like bats tend to do
and Bruce is like “GODDAMN BAT BROKE MY WINDOW
ARE YOU GONNA PAY FOR THAT WINDOW, BAT?”
and the bat is like “I’M A BAT, MOTHERFUCKER.
BATS DON’T PAY FOR SHIT.”
And Bruce Wayne is like “holy shit, that’s perfect
I will aspire to have all the cunning and ingenuity of a man
coupled with all the don’t-give-a-fuck of a bat.
I will call myself … bat … man
because it’s like 3AM and I still gotta clean up all this glass
and I’m pretty drunk and I don’t like thinking”
and then he gets a sweet costume and an army of bats and a bird-themed twink to haul around
and suddenly it’s okay to name your babies Batman.
So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t worry about bettering your community
that’s for crazy billionaires in animal suits to take care of.