So Robin Hood
I talked about him before
although mainly I was talking about Maid Marian and how she stomped his ass
but now it is time for you to learn
about how Robin Hood became an outlaw:
in this version of the story, Robin Hood has a pretty high opinion of himself
or at least his ability to shoot arrows at things
so when he finds out that there’s a big arrow-shooting competition in Nottingham
he’s like SIGN ME UP
except no one can hear him because he’s just yelling at no one
and they haven’t invented bluetooth headsets yet so that doesn’t work.
Anyway, he’s on his way to Nottinghamshire
(shire is a british suffix
that can be applied to basically anything that you want an extra syllable at the end of
see also: -ford, -ington)
and all of a sudden there are these fifteen foresters.
these foresters see Robin Hood and they’re like “HEY KID
WHERE YA GOIN?”
and Robin Hood is like “I’m going to the arrow-shooting competition in Nottinghamshireington”
and these foresters, they are about to bust a collective gut
because as far as they are concerned, there is NO WAY this scrawny asshole can shoot arrows
so Robin Hood is like “I BET YOU 20 BUCKS I CAN KILL A DEER FROM 100 YARDS AWAY”
and they’re like “YOU’RE ON”
so he does it
because what kind of story would this be if he just fucked up and had to pay them 20 bucks?
and then he’s like “Alright guys, pay up”
and they’re like “UH NOPE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE SHOOT YOU WITH OUR ARROWS.”
so Robin Hood is like “wait
lemme get this straight
yall are about to let me walk away with my bow and arrow
after just having stiffed me for 20 bucks
after having SEEN WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BOW AND ARROW?”
and the foresters are like “Uh, yeah. What’s wrong with that?”
And Robin Hood is like “Oh nothing. Peace.”
So he takes his arrow and he goes up on top of a hill
and just proceeds to KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FORESTERS
there’s no warning shots
there’s no attempt to teach them a lesson or leave them with fleshwounds
he is seriously just exploding these dudes’ heads.
Finally there’s only one dude left
and he’s running away
and at this point,
in the words of the ballad,
“Robin Hood he bent his noble bow,
And hee fetcht him back again.”
So basically he’s like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.
Then he walks up to the forester’s twitching body, and he’s like
“You said I was no archer,
But say so now again”
“WHAT WAS THAT BITCH?
I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ALL YOUR DEAD FRIENDS.”
Then he shoots an arrow through that dude’s head and splits it in half.
so far Robin Hood is technically in the right
those dudes DID stiff him for 20 bucks, after all
but see now what happens
is that all the forester’s relatives who live in Nottingham hear the murder sounds
and they come into the woods to see what’s up
so Robin Hood kills EVERYONE
pretty much for no reason
and then obviously he has to become an outlaw, because what the fuck was he thinking?
I don’t even get why these people end up accepting money from him later
he killed like half their dudes!
Anyway, so the moral of the story
is don’t welch on bets
when you are betting against a psychopath.
I had no idea Robin Hood was such a murderous dude, though I’d often suspected his whole “good-hearted rogue” identity was an excuse to be a dick.
A reasonable moral, too! I could have used that one several years ago.
Excellent! I like how the original ballad ALSO sounded like he was a dick. Good choice.
I’ve been hoping for more Robin Hood since “Maid Marian is a Murder Machine” and it was totally worth the wait. 😀
I’d love to see your take on “Robin Hood and Guy of Gisborne” sometime– Robs doesn’t just kill him… (can be found here, if you’re interested: http://www.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/teams/guy.htm )
Awesome story. I am not surprised that Robin Hood is not as squeaky clean as he appears.
SPEAKING OF OUTLAWS it would be great if you could do your spin on “The Highwayman” by Alfred Noyes: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171940. It’s a short one.
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I too would love to hear some more Robin Hood myths!
And I love your direct quotations from the ballad.
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