Abu Nowas has Big Balls

Wow
Thank you Vanya “Terror-Talons” Tarantula
for introducing me to the shitfarce that is Tunisian folklore
here goes history’s first recorded instance
of a wacky TV sitcom

so there’s this guy Abu Nowas right?
he’s got a wife
OH WHOOPS NO SHE DIED
WHAT NOW ASSHOLE?
well apparently Abu Nowas opted for the extended warranty on wives
because the next thing he does is show up to the sultan’s house
and be like hey dude my wife died
and the sultan’s like WELL SHIT SON
WE GOTTA GET YOU A NEW ONE
MY WIFE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A REPLACEMENT WIFE FREE OF CHARGE
which begs the question
who is in charge of providing the sultan with a replacement wife?
sounds like everybody is shit out of luck if the sultana blows a fuse

but for now everything is fine
the Sultana shows up in the sultan’s justice room like yo what up husband
and the Sultan is like this dude’s wife died
and the Sultana is like oh damn
good thing I’ve been saving a replacement wife for just such an occasion
HEY GIRL GET OUT HERE
so this chick comes out
and she is bo-damn-diculous
chick-a-licious
frot-tacular
and the Sultana is like girl there is this dude here who wants to marry you
by the way he is the king’s jester so-
and the girl’s like I’LL DO IT
JESTERS ARE SO HOT OH MY GOD
god dammit
why are all the women who think juggling is sexy trapped in ancient Tunisia
and not like my house or something
wait that came out wrong
sexy juggle-loving ladies I do not want to trap you in my house
first of all it is an apartment not a house
but I mean you are welcome to drop by if you like

ANYWAY SO THEY GET MARRIED
and the sultan tops it all off with a 1,000 dollar wedding prize
except the money he’s using is better than dollars
think of it like one thousand MEGADOLLARS
and one thousand megadollars is basically like fuck-you money in ancient tunisia
so Abu Nowas and his replacement wife spend like a year
getting into hot tubs and trouble in equal measure
at one point I am pretty sure they buy huge noses from a plastic surgeon
and then fill a gatling gun with cocaine and just go to town
it’s a party festival
on top of a hootenanny stuffed with soirees
battered in shindigs and deep fried in bacon grease
but then their money gun runs out
pretty soon they go from picking their favorite flavor of caviar-plated space lobster
to deliriously trying to remember what food tastes like
and Abu Nowas is like fuck this we gotta get more money
ain’t no way i’m going back to juggling after twelve months in a cocaine blizzard
only one option
WIFE
GO TO THE SULTANA AND ASK HER FOR MORE MONEY
and his wife is like no you
and Abu Nowas is like fine ok

so he goes to the Sultan’s place
but before he goes inside
he maces himself right in the face
so he busts into the justice room pissing out his eyesockets
like WAAH WAAH MY WIFE DIED
and the sultan is like shit happens
I mean she was just a replacement wife
pretty expendable
and Abu Nowas is like fuck I guess I forgot to buy the warranty on my wife this time
fuck it I gotta stick with the plan
so he’s like
BOO HOO HOO I’M TOO POOR TO BURY HER
and the Sultan’s like what happened to the money I gave you?
and Abu Nowas is like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultan’s like well
I guess I appreciate your honesty?
here’s a hundred megadollars

so then Abu Nowas gets back home and he’s like hey wife I have us some drug money
but it’s not nearly enough
this is only enough to buy maybe like
a medium sized dumptruck full of cocaine
and his wife is like well we can’t have that
and Abu nowas is like exactly
so what I want you to do is go to the Sultana and ask HER for money
and his wife is like fair enough

so she goes to the Sultana’s place
and she’s all like WAAAAAAH MY HUSBAND DIED AND I CAN’T AFFORD TO BURY HIM
and the Sultana is like girl what happened to that thousand megadollars
and she’s like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultana is like aw man I’m sorry honey
here’s TWO HUNDRED MEGADOLLARS

so then the wife goes back to Abu Nowas’ house
like hey man I got double what you got
and Abu Nowas is like EXCELLENT
this money will support our unreasonable lifestyle for at least another week
meanwhile the Sultan and the Sultana will be NONE THE WISER

MEANWHILE AT THE SULTANA’S PLACE
the Sultan gets done with a long day of justice
and heads over for a little bit of after-work hunga-junga with the Sultana
and the Sultana is like hey husband have you heard
Abu Nowas is dead
and the Sultan is like uh no
wrong
his wife is dead
and the Sultana is like naw dude I saw his wife like an hour ago
and the Sultan is like woman do I need to send away a coupon for a replacement wife?
and the Sultana is like fine
send your doorman to go check Abu Nowas’ house
we’ll see who’s right

WOW
SO NOWHERE IN THAT EXCHANGE
WAS A DISCUSSION OF HOW MAYBE ABU NOWAS IS A FUCKING CONMAN
OK COOL WHATEVER

so Abu Nowas and his wife are building a snowman out of cocaine in their living room
and all of a sudden they see the doorman coming up to the house
and Abu Nowas is like QUICK
WIFE
PRETEND TO BE DEAD
I WILL CRY AT YOU
and then the doorman comes in and Abu Nowas is like BOO HOO HOO LOOK AT MY DEAD WIFE
and the doorman is like yup
dead alright
i’ll go tell the Sultan

so the doorman goes back and the Sultana is like BULLSHIT
HEY CHAMBERLAIN
GO FIND OUT WHO’S REALLY DEAD
IF YOU GIVE ME THE WRONG ANSWER I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED
so the chamberlain goes

so Abu Nowas and his wife have just finished inhaling the cocaine snowman
when they see the chamberlain outside
and Abu Nowas is like OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DOUBLEDAMN
NOW IT’S MY TURN TO BE DEAD
so he drops dead on the spot
and then the chamberlain comes in like yo what’s up
and the wife is like MY HUSBAND IS DEFINITELY DEAD
and the chamberlain is like YOU GOT THAT RIGHT
I’LL GO TELL THE SULTANA

so then the chamberlain goes back to the palace
and the Sultan is like 2X BULLSHIT COMBO
ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS
WE GOTTA GO SEE FOR OURSELVES

so now Abu Nowas is frantically pacing back and forth in his cocaine-strewn foyer
it ain’t like he’s gonna be sleeping anyway
and he sees the carriage coming up to the house
all chock full o’ problems
and he’s like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
THEY’RE BOTH HERE
WE GOTTA BOTH BE DEAD NOW
so they both go and play dead in the front room
and the Sultan busts in with his wife like HELLO
and he is greeted by a front room full of 2 dead bodies
several snowdrifts of cocaine
and a tophat that once belonged to some kind of snowman
and he’s like OKAY I WILL GIVE 1,000 MEGADOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO CAN EXPLAIN THIS SHIT
and Abu Nowas jumps up like ME ME ME PICK ME OH SHIT PICK ME
and the King looks at him for a second
and then puts his hands on his hips
and goes OHHHH ABU NOWAS YOU ARE THE UTTER END
and everyone laughs and the credits roll
and the sultan then proceeds to GIVE ABU NOWAS THE THOUSAND MEGADOLLARS

so there you have it my friends
hundreds of years ago
halfway across the world
the Tunisians predicted exactly what would happen during the financial crisis

THE END.

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8 thoughts on “Abu Nowas has Big Balls

  1. Something seems missing from this story…

    I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like it rhymes with oral sex.

    Wait, no, not oral sex. Just oral.

    Also, Frosty the cocaine snowman would be an awesome children's movie.

    Hilarious as always! Keep up the good work!

  2. If my experience in Tunisia was to be made into a sitcom it would mostly involve Professional Carpet Roller -Outters trying to use flowery vases to seduce you, when all you really wanted was a wooden camel.

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