Another story about cows

Right ok

so recently you may have noticed
i have been talking alot about norse dudes
and like
the truly mindblowing proportions of their testicles
norse gods are pretty sweet
i cannot lie
but like
i kind of started to miss telling stories about people fucking animals
GREEK MYTHS IT IS
so there’s this chick Io right
she’s pretty hot
probably
or at least
she is a woman
who is on zeus’s list
of women he has not banged yet
which really at this point
probably fits on the back of like one of those comics
that you get out of a pack of bazooka joe bubblegum
so he is going down the list like HM
WHERE WILL I HIDE MY PENIS THIS FINE DAY
OH I KNOW
IO
but of course
he has to be REEEEEALY crafty
because otherwise
his WIFE might find out
so what he does
is he turns into a storm cloud
located directly on top of Io
and proceeds to rape the bajeezus our of her
meanwhile hera is like
hm
where could my husband be
couldn’t possibly be anywhere near that thundercloud
you know
the one that is absurdly close to the ground
and making rape sounds
AGH
ZEUS
and zeus looks up and is like what
and hera is like are you raping again
and zeus is like why would i do that
that doesnt sound like something i would do
i was just pranking this cow over here
and he turns Io into a cow
so in the space of probably like ten minutes
see i am not giving zeus a lot of sexual credit here
since he is essentially the captain of the varsity rape team
anyway in the space of like ten minutes
io has gotten surprise sexed
and then turned into a COW
and then it gets worse
because hera is not a fucking idiot
so she is like oh wow what a beautiful cow
i have always wanted a cow
for our anniversary
which is today by the way
i just decided
so hey zeus
give me that cow or no sex
and zeus is like aww
how did you know my only weakness
here take the cow
so hera takes Io
and then is like haha bitch
i’ll teach you to get raped by my husband
i’m going to tie you you on a tree
in the middle of a field
guarded by some motherfucker with a hundred eyes
named argus panoptes
and io is like MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so zeus is watching all of this
well like
half-watching
half scanning his list of other mortal women to bone
and he gets a rare pang of guilt
so he calls up his homie hermes
and is like ey
i need you to murder a hundred-eyed monster for me
and hermes is like sure
why the fuck not
and he goes to where Io is
and he literally bores that fucker all the way to death
like he just stands there telling boring stories
like about what he did on summer vacation
and singing lullabies
until all of the dude’s eyes fall asleep
and then he cuts off its head
just to be safe
and unties Io
but again
this plan is not very subtle
and hera sees what is going on
and is like you know what fine
have your freedom Io
go nuts
and she sends a gadfly to just continually bite her forever
so Io goes nuts
and swims from the black sea to the sea of maramara
through the strait of bosphorus
and meets prometheus
still up on his rock
and before hercules kills the vulture too
so hes pretty miserable
and he is like damn girl
you are a cow what is up with that
but dont worry though
you’ll stop being a cow eventually
and you will be one of the ancestors
of this dude hercules
who will show up and kill this fucking bird
that is eating my organs
so great news for both of us
and Io feels a lot better
and she goes to egypt
and zeus suddenly realizes
whoa whoa whoa
if i dont make Io human again
how will she give birth to my bastard children
i dont want any cowbabies
no sir
so sure enough he makes her human
and she pops out two kids for him
epaphus and keroessa
and then she marries this egyptian king telegonus
hehe gonus
and basically she just lives happily ever after
so the moral of the story is
getting raped is never fun
but sometimes you swim to egypt and become queen

the end

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3 thoughts on “Another story about cows

  1. Pingback: The Daughter of the Sun is HOT | Myths RETOLD

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