Balin needs to chill the fuck out

Alright so first of all
I know there has got to be at least several more of you
who are all about crossdressing
and need shirts that express this
I need twenty-eight more orders to make bombness happen

but second of all
big sweaty ups to Napalm “Sexpocalypse” Lightningsen
for injecting some freebased dollar bills
into the only intact vein remaining in my body
MY GREED VEIN
in a balls-out attempt to get me to tell you this myth i am going to tell you
SO HERE GOES

alright so King Arthur

he’s chilling out in his castle right
and some squires or whatever come running in
like hey king arthur there’s this asshole King Pellam
he won’t pay tribute to you
and arthur is like how about fucking make him pay tribute
how about that
and the squires are like ok fine mister grumpypants
by the way there’s some dudes hanging out by a fountain nearby
just straight wrecking every dude who comes by
do you want us to invite them over
they seem like the kind of dudes you like to surround yourself with
and King arthur is like naw fuck it
i’ll just go out to their fountain and say what’s up
and by say what’s up i mean beat the shit out of them
so he does
pretty easily
remember he has a sword that makes him invincible
oh man i totally forgot to ever tell you that that’s what excalibur does
but whatever you get the idea

so anyway these two dudes Arthur humiliates are named Balin and Balan
they are brothers obviously
probably twins
i mean they’re like a pair of stripey pants and a couple beanies away
from being tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum already so i’m sure they must be twins
and on top of that what ridiculous names
isn’t Balin the name of a dwarf in some Tolkein book or something?
maybe
definitely it is only one letter away from being Ballin’
but instead it just rhymes with failin’
which is closer to what Balin spends most of his time doing
cause see back in the day Balin was actually a knight of the round table
but then some dude called him a poopy-head or something
so he got pissed off and stabbed that guy’s brain
and then Arthur was like alright dude
i mean we are all about senseless violence but that is a little too much of it
get out of my court
and then I guess Balin decided that the best way to atone for his crime
was to hang out by a fountain with his best bro killing dudes with his lance
because i guess if you murder enough dudes it wraps back around to zero
or stops counting
like an odometer for murder
a murdometer
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT I ALREADY PATENTED IT

anyway after getting humiliated by Arthur
Balin and Balan decide to just say fuck it and see if Arthur will knight them anyway
they don’t know who it was that just handed them their asses
pretty sure
anyway they show up at Camelot and Arthur is like SURE WHATEVER BE MY KNIGHTS
WHO EVEN GIVES A SHIT
LIKE THERE WAS A POINT WHERE I WAS HOLDING TOURNAMENTS AND SHIT
TO SELECT ONLY THE BEST AND MOST SKILLFUL KNIGHTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD
BUT NOW I PRETTY MUCH JUST KNIGHT WHOEVER THE FUCK WALKS IN HERE
and then at the same moment those squires come back from King Pellam’s place
like dude you’re not gonna believe this
remember how King Pellam used to be super pagan?
well i guess he decided he was gonna try and christian harder than you
because now he like won’t eat or fuck his wife
and women aren’t allowed in the castle in case he accidentally slips
and his dick goes inside of one of them
and he has like the spear the romans used to stab jesus and whatever
and when we showed up to ask for tribute he was like
I AM TOO HOLY TO PAY TRIBUTE
GO MAKE MY SON PAY YOU
and then his son was super pissed off
oh and PS there is like a fucking ghost horse that is riding all over the place
with a ghost knight on it
murdering dudes
and Arthur is like THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR AN UNTESTED KNIGHT
HEY BALAN YOU GOT THIS RIGHT?
and Balan is like yeah sure
hey Balin i’m gonna go try and find an invisible knight
try not to get too angry while i’m gone
i know you have anger problems
like that one time when you killed that guy
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP I’LL KILL YOU

so Balan leaves
and Balin is like OH MAN IT IS SO HARD TO NOT MURDER DUDES
WHAT IF SOMEONE LEAVES DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK
OR SOMEONE SNEEZES WRONG OR MISUSES AN APOSTROPHE
and Arthur is like dude
you seriously need to chill out
here
why don’t you follow Lancelot around and just try and be like him
so Balin follows Lancelot around
but Lancelot is just SO FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING VIRTUOUS
(I’ve gotten some complaints that my blog doesn’t use the word “fuck enough
so I’m working on that)
and Balin is like shit man i cannot be that virtuous
this dude has a crazy amount of virtue
OH WAIT I KNOW
MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HE IS AROUND GUENEVERE SO MUCH
MAN IF I WAS AROUND A CHICK THAT HOT ALL THE TIME
I WOULD BE AS VIRTUOUS AS A SACK FULL OF POPES
so he comes up with this crazy scheme
which is if he can get the queen to let him paint her crown on his shield
it will constantly remind him of how fucking virtuous he is supposed to be
even though the point of shields is that you hold them pointing AWAY FROM YOU
and when you aren’t using them
you usually wear them ON YOUR BACK
not a lot of times when you are just hanging out staring at your shield
so as far as plans go this is not one of the best ones
but then again maybe his judgment is clouded by his CONSTANT RAGE

so he takes his shitty plan to Arthur and Guenevere and they’re like sure
whatever
so he paints the crown royal on his shield
and everyone is cheering for him
support group style
and he sees the dude who he stabbed in the brain earlier
and he is like HOW DARE HE CHEER FOR ME I BETTER STAB HIM IN THE oh wait
no nevermind
i’m a better man now
I’M A BETTER FUCKING MAN NOW OK

so instead he goes running to some bower
which is like a cross between a garden and a tower
just kidding i have no idea what a bower is
but anyway he’s hanging out there punching bricks and grinding his teeth
when Guenevere and Lancelot come wandering by
having one of those conversations teenage couples always seem to be having
where they are sitting on a curb
looking extremely serious
and aggressively taking offense at everything the other person says
please tell me i was not the only person who had these conversations
anyway Balin overhears this conversation and he’s all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
I CAN’T PROCESS WHAT IS GOING ON HERE
BETTER RUN AWAY FROM CAMELOT
AND GO TRY AND FIND THAT INVISIBLE KNIGHT MY BRO IS CHASING

so OFF HE GOES
and pretty soon he is in king Pellam’s territory
and he sees a woodcutter so he just comes charging out of the woods and slices the dude’s axe in half like HAHA FUCKER THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
and the woodcutter is like uh wow
well i mean maybe you could put that sword to good use
and kill the invisible knight who has been murdering dudes around here
and Balin is like I BET IT’S NOT AN INVISIBLE KNIGHT AT ALL
I BET IT’S SOME DUDE PRETENDING TO BE AN INVISIBLE KNIGHT
and the dude is like well that’s possible
but i mean he’d still have to be invisible
and a knight
because like
you can’t see him
and he’s a knight
so uh
it really doesn’t make much of a difference does it
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I’LL KILL YOU AAAAA
and gallops away
at which point the invisible knight kind of halfassedly attacks him
and then Balin tries to chase him but he charges SO HARD
he stabs a tree with his lance and his lance EXPLODES and he flies off his horse
and then he goes running to king Pellam’s castle

so everyone at Pellam’s place is like WHY IS THERE A CROWN ON UR SHIELD
and Balin is like cuz i’m from King Arthur’s court
and i have mad respect for Guenevere
and so Garlon
King Pellam’s asshole son
is like WELL WE DON’T
I HEAR SHE’S A HUGE SLUT
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I’M GONNA KILL no wait ok calm down Balin
just settle down
check your watch
is it murdertime?
no
no it is never murdertime Balin
murdertime is not a real time that they put on watches
no matter how sweet that would be
now sit down and eat your mutton
and then they finish eating in strained silence and Balin goes off to bed

but then in the morning Balin is walking past Garlon
and Garlon is like HOW ABOUT I PUSH MY LUCK BY CALLING GUENEVERE A SLUT AGAIN
and Balin is like TIME FOR MY SIGNATURE MOVE
SWORD TO THE BRAINPAN
and then everyone is trying to kill him
but he runs away on his horse
and also STEALS THE LANCE THAT WAS USED TO STAB JESUS
so THAT’S special
but then he gallops his horse so hard that it PASSES OUT
and he flies off the horse
and he is lying face down in the dirt
and some chick comes along singing this weird poem about the fires of heaven
and she is like hey dude wake up
you look like a knight of the round table
you know because you are face down in the dirt with an injured horse
look there’s some dude who is all up on my ovaries
and i am trying to not bang him
so if you could grant me protection at Camelot that would be sweet
and Balin is like NO I AM NOT A KNIGHT ANYMORE
I HAVE TOO MANY ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES
WHY JUST MOMENTS AGO I STABBED A DUDE IN THE BRAIN
AND THIS IS NOT EVEN THE FIRST TIME I HAVE DONE THAT
I NEVER LEARNED TO USE MY WORDS
I HAVE TOTALLY VIOLATED THE NAME OF SAINTLY PURE VIRGINAL GUENEVERE
and the damsel is like bitch please
Guenevere is about as pure as a gloryhole in a train station bathroom
i hear she fucked some dudes
and this chick is lying through her teeth by the way
but Balin remembers that little tiff he saw lancelot and guenevere having
and he is like OH GOD IT’S TRUE
IT’S SO TRUE
I’m
I’m so
SO ANGRY
so he starts screaming and stomping on his shield
OBVIOUSLY
that’s what ANY SANE PERSON WOULD DO
and who happens to hear his one-man concert of crazy?
WHY HIS BROTHER BALAN OF COURSE
WHO HAS STILL FAILED TO FIND THE INVISIBLE KNIGHT
BECAUSE HERE’S A FUN FACT
THE KNIGHT IS FUCKING INVISIBLE
but so Balan hears his brother screaming and stomping
and he’s like OH SNAP
THAT MUST BE THE INVISIBLE KNIGHT
MURDERING SOME DUDE
so he charges into that clearing
and sees Balin stomping on a shield with the Crown Royal on it
and he’s like I’MA KILL YOU FOR DOING THAT
and Balin is like I’MA KILL YOU FOR TRYING TO STOP ME FROM DOING THAT
and they charge each other
and Balin actually RIDES HIS HORSE TO DEATH
and then they both LANCE EACH OTHER TO DEATH
and the damsel
who was really just some spiteful bitch the whole time
is like haha wow
lotta death huh
well i’m gonna just move right along now
I think she is banging Garlon
and I think Garlon might be the invisible knight
like he learned some tricks for being invisible from a magic asshole or something
but honestly none of that is satisfactorily resolved
all that is resolved
is as they are both dying
Balin and Balan realize who they both are
and they’re like aw
what the fuck
and then they both die

so the moral of the story
is some people are just always gonna be angry
and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it
so when you identify those people
try not to be brothers with them
or failing that
at least try to not joust them

THE END.

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11 thoughts on “Balin needs to chill the fuck out

  1. I love your blog. I've read like half of it in two days when I'm supposed to be studying (fuck that!) Theres this pretty cool welsh myth that I was told when I was a kid. The story of Gelert. Its got tons of good shit, a wolf, a wolfdog, and a prince with way too many constanants. It'd be awesome if you did it. THANKS

  2. Dear fucking God, I love this blog so hard! You, sir, have such a way with words. These stories are already so twisted and bat-shot crazy and you just make it fifty kinds of more awesome! One of these days you should do a retelling of the myth of Xenu from Scientology. That shit is fuuuuuuucked up. :D

  3. Reading my mind… In the past…

    HOLY SHIT YOU ARE A PSYCHIC VOODOO NINJA JEDI TIMELORD WITH MIND BULLETS!!!!! Seriously, you are the most metal thing since the Vikings decided to give up raping sea monsters and spinkicking babies into orbit so they could open up some Ikeas.

    I feel like an idiot for not having seen that Xenu was already in the Smorgasboard section. Awesome job on the past mind reading!

  4. Ok, so another suggestion to make up for my dumbass one. Have you considered doing the epic Romance of the Three Kingdoms from Chinese mythology?

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