Becoming King Is Not Very Complicated

Ok so look guys

I know you are all itching to get all up on some ADVANCED arthurian shit
Like Morgan Lefay and Sir Gallahad and Tristram and whatnot
but there are people here
as of yet UNINITIATED IN THE RIGORS OF THE CANON
whoa shit did someone just write an english paper in here
i mean anyway
what is important right now
is that we get the basics covered
because i can’t very well tell you a story about king arthur
if he isn’t even a fucking KING yet can I

Ok so merlin straight up steals a baby
you may remember that part from Saturday
anyway about ten minutes pass
before merlin realizes that he is TOTALLY UNDEREQUIPPED FOR FATHERHOOD
he in fact has absolutely no idea how babies work
like what the fuck are these?
tiny hands?
GET SOME REGULAR SIZED HANDS ASSHOLE
OH YOU WANT FOOD NOW?
WHERE DID ALL THIS POOP COME FROM?
OH NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT HERE COMES MILKY WHITE VOMIT
BABIES ARE BASICALLY GOD’S LITTLE BOOBY TRAPS
so he decides to solve this problem
in much the same way that he solves all of his problems
WITH GRATUITOUS TELEPORTATION
so he just appears in this dude Hector’s garden
and is like hey dude i found this baby
it’s going to need fifteen years of fatherhood
you have some fatherhood lying around right?
and Hector is like shit man let me ask my wife
and Merlin is like FUCK THIS I’M BORED
and he disappears with the baby
but PLOT TWIST
he actually just teleported it onto Hector’s wife’s tits
WHICH ARE ONLY ABOUT MAYBE TWENTY FEET AWAY
HE COULD HAVE JUST WALKED INTO THE NEXT ROOM
AND HANDED THE BABY TO HER
MERLIN: PERHAPS TELEPORTING TOO MUCH?
anyway Hector’s wife is pretty much fine with this
for no rational reason whatsoever
except i guess women like babies?
wait that’s not a rational reason i forgot
anyway from that day on Arthur is hector’s son I guess

or should I say SECOND son
because Hector already has a son
named Kay
which pisses me off
because it reminds me of that fucking diamond jingle
and diamonds piss me off
they are so fucking smug and expensive
and you can’t even teach them a lesson by crushing them
because GUESS WHAT THEY’RE INDESTRUCTIBLE
anyway Arthur and Kay grow up together
and Hector decides they are going to be knights
because dammit he’s a knight
and his daddy was a knight
and if you look back at his family tree
it’s KNIGHTS ALL THE WAY DOWN
so they get trained in basically every way you can murder
and Arthur is INVARIABLY BETTER at EVERYTHING
which naturally pisses Kay off
but Kay was a little bitch to begin with so it’s okay

Meanwhile Merlin is living about two miles down the street
willfully ignoring the existence of this child he stole
until fifteen years have passed
and Uther has died of Siphyllus
at which point the archbishop of canterbury calls merlin up
like yo merlin we’re kind of fucked right now
we don’t have a king anymore
and all the bastard children he fathered are basically retards
his wife isn’t even hot anymore
she got really unbelievably fat somewhere along the line
oh and also the Saxons are invading
can you hook a brother up with a king right quick
and Merlin is like I HAVE A PLAN
IT IS A PLAN I HAVE HAD FOR A WHILE
IT INVOLVES TELEPORTING
so he teleports to Canterbury cathedral
and WHAM WHIZZOW KADABAZANG
makes this stone appear
with an anvil on it
and a sword in the anvil
and the archbishop is like oh well that’s cool i guess
but what’s the fucking point
and merlin is like ONLY THE TRUE HEIR TO THE THRONE CAN TAKE OUT THE SWORD
and the archbishop is like oh sweet
well
I guess let me know when he shows up

SO WORD GETS AROUND
and pretty soon every dude who owns a chainmail cocksock is there
trying to pull out this sword
INCLUDING Arthur and Kay and Hector
although really they don’t try to pull it out immediately
because there’s prolly a huge line
and it’s really hot out
and anyway it’s a goddamn carnival of failure over there
so what’s the fucking point
in any case Kay is actually a little famous at this point
i guess because his training has overcome his natural pussitude
but he’s still kind of a tool
anyway days pass
and NO ONE can pull this damn sword out
so they get bored
and decide to beat the shit out of each other
IN A GENTLEMANLY FASHION
so they have a tournament

now arthur is too young to be in the tournament
i guess it’s fine to fuck 11 year old girls in this world
but a 15 year old star athlete cannot attempt to murder grown men
kind of a double standard
but anyway Kay enters in the tournament
and he actually does an okay job for a total pussnexus
but then he kind of gets too big for his codpiece
and decides to go up against some asshole like THREE TIMES HIS SIZE
and that dude just straight up SNAPS HIS SWORD IN HALF
although luckily it is not possible to emasculate Kay
since he WASN’T A TRUE MAN TO BEGIN WITH
here’s why:

so kay goes crying back to the sidelines
and he’s like ARTHUR ARTHUR
GET ME A NEW SWORD
and Arthur is like I’M ON IT
so he runs back to his dad’s tent
but no one is there
and they are OUT OF SWORDS
GUYS
IF YOU’RE A BUNCH OF KNIGHTS
YOU DON’T WANNA BE CAUGHT WITHOUT ANY SWORDS
SWORDS ARE LIKE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
SOMETIMES THEY ACTUALLY ARE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
DON’T ASK ME HOW THAT WORKS

so arthur is like fuck
where am I going to get a sword
oh I know
there’s that sword in front of the cathedral
I don’t really know anything about it
because one of my superpowers is never paying attention
but I bet that would be a super sweet sword to give to my bro

so he goes
and he gets it
and he brings it to Kay
it isn’t a big deal
he just sort of lightly removes the legendary sword
from its indestructible pedestal
nothing to write home about
but when he brings it to kay
like hey bro i heard you liked swords
Kay is like WHOA WHAT WHERE HEY WHO WHAT UM
let me just go ahead and steal this sword real quick?
and arthur is like what do you mean steal i got it for you
and Kay is like DON’T SASS ME I’M KING NOW

so kay quits the tournament
and calls his dad back to their swordless tent
and is like hey dad
um so
I have this sword you might be interested in
check it out
and Hector is like I JUST SHAT MYSELF
and Kay is like so I’m king now right
and Hector is like BULLSHIT
YOU’RE A FUCKING PUSSY
YOU DIDN’T PULL THIS SWORD OUT OF THE STONE AT ALL
and kay is like yeah i did i totally did
and Hector is like OH YEAH WELL PUT IT BACK IN THEN
and kay is like what
who puts a sword back in something
that they have already taken it out of
doesn’t that defeat the purpose of taking the sword out of the thing
and Hector is like CLEARLY YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF STABBING REPEATEDLY
and Kay is like fuck fine
how hard can it be

WELL IT TURNS OUT IT IS HARDER THAN A PEDOPHILE AT A WATER PARK
Kay is just hunched over that stone
repeatedly failjabbing it with his wusshands
until arthur is like hold on wait a second
let me try
and he just proceeds to swordfuck that stone
long and deep
again and again
until everyone is more or less satisfied
with the idea of being ruled over by a tween
(although actually not everyone is satisfied
but we will talk about that later)
so at this point Kay is like fuck my cover is blown
oh well i guess there is nothing left to do
but beg my brother for a cushy position in his new government
and Arthur is like yeah bro i’ll totally hook you up
but hm
i guess this means you’re not actually my brother huh
pretty sure my dad is that crazy rapefiend who just died of the syph
he was kind of a shitty dad though actually so that’s ok
let’s never speak of it again
and then he goes on to be king and have adventures

so the moral of the story
is that ultimately the only trait
that will get you anywhere in life
is the ability to pull things out of other things
and then put them back in again

the end.

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10 thoughts on “Becoming King Is Not Very Complicated

  1. Any chance of something out of Slavic pagan mythology/folklore? They have this story about this monster called Vij, and it involves three guys in seminary and lots of hilarious hijinks involving corpses. It was also turned into the first Soviet horror movie ever, which can be appreciated without a knowledge of the Russian language. Mostly because the "special effects" are so hilariously bad.

  2. "knights all the way down"

    How is it possible that you make me swoon with amusement at least once in every single damn myth?? Talk about superpowers!

    I've always wondered what turned Arthur from easygoing "here's your sword, bro" at the beginning into "I might have an incest bastard? Let the Return of the Slaughter of the Innocents begin!" just a few years later. Being king seems to take a lot of the niceness out of a person.

  3. Also, lest the perils of Russian transliteration prevent a retelling of that story about a bunch of whiny monks, you'll probably have your best luck searching for 'Viy'

  4. This is my new favorite thing on the whole internet. You win!

    Have you considered Arabian myths? Maybe Sinbad or that kind of shit?

  5. Actually, according to mediaeval lapidaries, you can only crush them if you first bathe them "in hot new blod of a gote boke [buck]". That's how you tell if your diamond is – was, I suppose – a diamond. It doesn't smash with an anvil and hammer, but it DOES if first washed in just the right kind of goat blood. It's a theory that probably didn't get tested very often.

    Also, apparently wearing diamonds will bring about wealth. This might be a cause/effect fail.

    (Shamelessly copy-pasting the quote from a post I made a while back, at http://ceirseach.blogspot.com/2008/08/properties-of-diamond.html. Also, the entry on goats in the Bestiary website, http://bestiary.ca/beasts/beast163.htm, references that belief. Actually, that website looks like it might be right up your alley – beavers that bite off their own testicles and throw them at hunters to keep them from killing them? crocodiles that can only be killed by a certain kind of snake eating its way out of its stomach?)

  6. OH MY GOD! YOU ARE BLOODY BRILLIANT and I WOULD LIKE TO SHAKE YOUR HAND and BUY YOU A DRINK TO REWARD YOUR GENIOUS. I LOVE arthuriana with EVERY FIBER Of My Soul and “Uther Pendragon is Basically Zeus”, as well as this piece had me crying with laughter. My friend introduced me to your material and I can’t get enough.

    Have you ever considered doing Nimue/Nyneve Locks Merlin in a Cave. According to Malory/Lumiansky 1982, she “grew tired of him”. Pelleas/Nimue/Ettarde is also FULL of discrepancies you could color with your obvious flare.

  7. I LOVE YOU
    Seriously, this website is the best.
    You probably won’t even fuckin’ read this though, bigshot author that you are.
    Jeez.

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