Beowulf Eats Napalm and Shits Asses, Which He Kicks (Part 1)

(i fixed the music upload so it’s the whole song now
and not just an infernal cocktease
)

Man what the fuck Beowulf
this guy
this guy we are about to be talking about
is one of the few legendary heroes
who actually has sufficient ball mass
to back up all the guff he is dishing out
faster than free samples outside a fucking smoothie joint
(see also: hercules)
let me show you what I mean

so our story begins with this dude Hrothgar
shitting his pants over this unkillable monster named Grendel
(actually it begins with the lineage of Hrothgar
but raise your hand if you give a shit)
so Grendel is a descendant of Cain apparently
you know
the vegetarian dipshit who killed his brother
and the OTHER thing Grendel is
is he is the ultimate party-crasher

see at the start of this story
basically what Grendel is doing
is every night
when Hrothgar settles down to have himself a sweet party
in his meadhall
Grendel comes charging out of the swamp
humps the door down
and proceeds to play cockhockey with the internal organs
of all the people who are trying to get their booze on
he does this FOR TWELVE YEARS
there are several shocking things about this
one is that these are twelve years of solid murder we are talking about
but more importantly
where do they keep getting dudes
to come to these parties
after say
the first SIX YEARS of unstoppable death
you would think word would get around
like hey
party at Hrothgar’s crib tonight
are you coming
nah man I hear THERE IS A MONSTER THERE WHO MURDERS EVERYONE
but perhaps most bizarre
is the fact that Hrothgar CONTINUES to party throughout these 12 years
this is clearly a man who is committed to partying
i mean think about it
TWELVE YEARS
that’s twice as long as WORLD WAR TWO
and yet every night
Hrothgar mops the blood off his floor
invites all the friends who survived the last massacre
and does that shit all over again
AND HE NEVER RUNS OUT OF MEAD

So this shit has been going on for A WHILE by time Beowulf shows up
with all his men and his sword and shit
basically because he heard there was something suicidally dangerous he could do
and i guess he was bored of punching mountains in the face
and eating swords and fire and shitting shrapnel

so after scaring the shit out of the coastguard
Beowulf busts into Hrothgar’s meadhall
like HEY I HEARD YOU HAVE MONSTERS
WELL ACTUALLY JUST ONE MONSTER
THAT’S NOT THAT MANY MONSTERS
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT
TO EVEN IT OUT
HOW ABOUT I DO IT NAKED
USING ONLY MY FISTS
I’M BEOWULF MOTHERFUCKER
HOO HAH

and Hrothgar is like well alright
but you know
you are not the first person to have this idea
shit has been going on for TWELVE YEARS
I cannot emphasize this enough
and beowulf is like BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
I CAN PUNCH A HORSE SO HARD IT TURNS TO GOLD
AND WHEN I COUGH
KILLER BEES SHOOT OUT OF MY MOUTH
I’M BEOWULF
DO I NEED TO SPELL IT FOR YOU
I HOPE NOT
BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO READ

and Hrothgar is like
well shit
let’s party

so these guys party
they party HARD
and in the middle of this hard hard party
some dipshit named Unferth is like hey beowulf
I heard you lost a swimming contest against this dude Breca
looks like your ass is not as bad as you would have us believe
and Beowulf
well Beowulf is so fucking pissed off about this
he stops talking in allcaps for a little while

he is like look asshole
first of all
at that point in the competition
we had each been swimming for FIVE DAYS
that is five as in high five
and days as in who the fuck do you know who can swim for five days straight
and i was about to win too
except at that very moment
I got attacked by a fucking SEA SERPENT
so i killed it
OBVIOUSLY
and then i was like shit
well i’m already underwater here
might as well murder eight more seamonsters
and by the time i was done with that the race was pretty much over
so I just passed out and washed ashore somewhere in finland
that is what happened
so you can just go ahead
and spend the next fifteen years of your life
inserting incrementally larger wooden cocks into your mouth
in order to prepare you for the incredible honor
of choking to death on the solid gold tree trunk
that is tasked with holding up my NINE ENORMOUS TESTICLES
so Unferth shuts up after that

then the party kind of starts to wind down
so beowulf just goes ahead and strips naked
in the hopes of making this task as needlessly difficult as possible
which actually he fails to do
because it turns out no weapon on earth can harm grendel anyway
so naked fisticuffs are optimal
(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

anyway Grendel shows up
makes a big show of ripping the doors off
which actually begs the question
do they replace the doors every day?
or does Grendel replace the doors every day
just so he will have something to rip off at night?
either way he immediately eats one of Beowulf’s men
while Beowulf stands there like HMM I SEE
INTERESTING

but finally Grendel gets around to actually attacking beowulf
except when he reaches down to grab him
beowulf just grabs his arm instead
with a vicegrip honed by DECADES OF FURIOUS MASTURBATION
and it is at this point that Grendel realizes he is in way over his head

so Grendel immediately starts trying to get the fuck out of there
and Beowulf responds by climbing on top of him
steering him into every breakable object in the room
and then tearing off his arm with his bare hands
this is what we call a decisive victory

but of course after that
since Beowulf was basically just holding onto Grendel by his arm
Grendel gets away
and Beowulf is left to bitch about not murdering him outright
while basically getting fellated by the entire Danish party crew
but only figuratively
because actually what everyone is doing
is riding around on horses and yelling a lot
this is what you do when you are excited in ancient Denmark
we have not come very far since ancient times

so that’s part one of three
hold on to your arms
because part two promises to RIP THEM OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU

NOT THE END AT ALL

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20 thoughts on “Beowulf Eats Napalm and Shits Asses, Which He Kicks (Part 1)

  1. I have only just discovered this site, and this is the only post I've read… SO FAR.

    I cannot begin to express to you how much it pleases me to have finally encountered something on the internet truly worthy of the word EPIC.

  2. You are an artist. This is art. I am going to pay you for this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, you will receive money from the cap'n, and you will know that beowulf and his nine enormous testicles are to blame.

  3. I have trouble remembering the name of your blog, so I search for it by typing in “Fucking Beowulf, man.” That makes me happy. And then I reread the whole Beowulf paraphrase, and it is always just as awesome as it was the first time. You can’t say that about very many things in life. So…thank you, I guess is what I’m trying to say?

  4. Perhaps Grendel was just angry because he never got invited to one of Hrothgar’s parties. NOT EVEN ONCE! IN ALL THOSE YEARS!!
    I also like the interpretation from that CGI movie, in which Grendel’s motive was that the parties were JUST TOO DAMN LOUD!! Makes him appear like a grumpy neighbor who threatens to call the cops if you don’t turn down this which you kids nowadays dare to call “music”!

  5. So, gonna be honest, I’m drunk
    Like,
    BALLS OVER FACE DRUNK
    if my balls could be any further over face
    they would be
    ON FUCKING SEDNA
    THE UNDERWHELMBINGLY UNKNOWN TRANS-NEPTUNIAN PLANETOID
    and in about 8 hours
    I have a seminar on alternate interpretations
    on Beowulf
    and being the drunk motherfucker I am
    I am going balls deep up
    with this very text
    that is how balls to Sedna
    Serious about how hardcorely decent this text is

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