Boats: an Elder God’s Only Weakness

Check the post below this for an announcement
or just say fuck it and read this instead

OK LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME HORRIBLE SHIT
because militant dominatrix Emilia “Kink Arrow” Von Sexx
wanted me to tell you about some other horrible shit
and this is my halfassed way of doing what she paid me to do
kind of

OKAY SO H.P. LOVECRAFT RIGHT

holy shit what the fuck is even WRONG with this guy
reading one paragraph of this cthulu shit
is roughly equivalent to TWELVE WEEKS IN VIETNAM
seriously i am getting flashbacks right now it’s terrible
but yeah ok i’m pretty sure you’ve all heard of this nameless horror cthulu
but like none of you have read the story that cthulu is actually fucking FROM
because you are all illiterate
because why the fuck else would you be reading my blog
SO HERE IS WHERE THIS WHOLE ELDER GODBEAST NONSENSE GOT STARTED

so there’s this dude and his granduncle dies
first of all who the fuck has a grand uncle
but second of all how does this dude have a granduncle who is so wicked sweet
this dude is like the ultimate crypto-archeologist
which basically means that whenever anyone digs up some shit they don’t understand
this is the dude they ask
AND NO ONE EVER DIGS UP SHIT THEY UNDERSTAND
but so this granduncle character dies
in a super suspicious way that involves a black dude
(fun fact: HP Lovecraft hates him some black people)
and he leaves all his crazy science bullshit to his grandnephew
and the grandnephew is rooting through all this shit in a super respectful manner
when he finds this weird-ass clay tablet with shit on it
that is not old AT ALL
and there is some writing with it
that is basically like HEY HEY HEY THIS WEIRD SCRAWNY-ASS SCULPTOR CAME IN HERE
WITH THIS FUCKING TABLET
AND HE WAS LIKE I MADE THIS IN A CREEPY DREAM
IT HAS A PICTURE OF A MONSTER ON IT
WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF AN OCTOPUS
A DRAGON
AND A FAT DUDE
SO OBVIOUSLY I GOT SUPER EXCITED AND ASKED HIM A TON OF QUESTIONS
that’s not all it says but i’m tired of writing in allcaps
it also says that this sculptor dude
whose name is wilcox
keeps having these creepy dreams where he hears shit yelling nonsense words
like cthulu and fhtagn
and then after a couple weeks he just goes off the fucking deepend
goes totally shithouse bonkers and starts passing out and gibbering
and yelling about some kind of mile-high hosebeast lumbering around causing problems
and then a few days later BAM he is suddenly cured and he has no memory of goin crazy
so that’s exciting/TERRIFYING

but our narrator (the grandnephew) does not give a cardboard FUCK
about this supernatural bullshit
he is pretty sure this wilcox guy just got messed up on sculpting fumes
and started making up crazy stories
so he goes ahead and reads MORE of his granduncle’s crazytime notes
and these ones are even MORE crazytimes
because they are talking about some cop called Inspector Legrasse
who showed up at this special archeologist nerd orgy in St. Louis
looking for any dudes who could help identify this creepy cthulu statue he found
when he was busting up a mega sinister occult love-in out in the bayou
and everyone is like WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE SHIT THIS IS
I MEAN
WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF ROCK THIS SHIT IS MADE OUT OF
WHAT IS THIS
SPACEROCK?
SATANROCK?
TELL US ABOUT THIS CRAZY OCCULT LOVE IN YOU BUSTED UP
WE ARE TIRED OF TALKING IN ALLCAPS

so Legrasse is like alright
basically some squatters showed up at the police station
like dudes there are some crazy assholes beating drums and setting off fireworks
like deep in the swamp
it’s seriously freaking us out
and i was like well fuck you that’s what you get for being squatters
but then i felt bad so we went and checked it out
oh also i think the drum dudes kidnapped some squatter dudes and maybe murdered them?
anyway I took 18 of my best dudes and we went looking for the guys with the drums
and we found them
on the edge of what is apparently an evil lake
full of like this huge white monster that eats dreams and shits deathterror
i mean no one has ever seen it but they know it’s there
presumably because they’re all FUCKING CRAZY
but anyway yeah there were a bunch of dudes dancing around by that lake
there was a ton of fire and dead bodies and also this statue
so naturally we shot half of them and took the rest of them to prison
because they were all blacks and mulattoes and you know how those guys are
(HP LOVECRAFT: HERO OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT?)
and uh they were all chanting this cthulu gibberish
i’m not even gonna bother to reproduce it here
basically it was something like
way down in R’lyeh evil sinister dead Cthulu is dreaming
i mean we tortured all those cultists and everything
and that’s all they’d fucking tell us
that and that there were all these elder beasts from space
sleeping underwater or something
and these cult dudes wanted to eventually release those guys
and basically ruin everything
pretty crazy right?
and the granduncle is like YES PRETTY CRAZY INDEED
BOY THAT’S REALLY GONNA FREAK ME OUT IN A FEW YEARS
WHEN SOME CRAZY SCULPTOR COMES AND TALKS TO ME ABOUT HIS DREAMS
yeah i dunno why we get fed these stories in reverse order either
just go with it ok

but so grandnephew Mcskeptic over here still doesn’t think this is AT ALL IMPORTANT
i mean he spends a little while trying to get famous
by finding out shit about this cult
but eventually he gets bored and moves on to some other shit
until ONE DAY he TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT finds a NEWSPAPER CLIPPING from AUSTRALIA
one of his rich asshole friends was using it to wrap some precious glassware
or some shit like that
and he just kind of smashes that glassware to the floor so he can READ THIS SHIT
there’s a photo of a little cthulu statue in there
and the article is basically like SOME DUDES FOUND A BOAT
THERE WAS ONE DEAD GUY AND ONE LIVING GUY ON IT
THE LIVING GUY HAD THIS STATUE AND IS PRETTY MUCH CRAZY AND WON’T EXPLAIN SHIT
THE END
and that is enough to motivate our hero to go to FUCKING AUSTRALIA

so he goes to australia
and tries to track down this boat guy
but everyone is like oh he moved back to his old house in Oslo, Norway
so TO OSLO WE GO
but oh shit
it turns out this boat dude DIED VERY RECENTLY
because he got hit on the head by a falling stack of papers
and then got helped up by some more black dudes
MAN THOSE BLACK DUDES SURE ARE CRAFTY AM I RIGHT LOVECRAFT?
but luckily boaty mcboat (whose real name is Johansen but i prefer boaty mcboat)
wrote a detailed account of his horrifying sea adventure
which is about how he and his crew set out on some ship
and then got attacked by another ship
crewed by black people who were SO EVIL that Johansen and his crew
COULDN’T HELP BUT BRUTALLY MURDER THEM
and then steal their ship (which is called the Alert
which is funny considering how easy those dudes were to murder)
and they realize that these dudes they killed were some kind of cult
cause they have like another evil cthulu statue in their ship
and then they sail towards some island that had an evil cthulu citadel poking out
which they spent a long time trying to figure out how to open
LIKE IDIOTS
oh by the way
fun fact
HP Lovecraft is a HUGE FAN OF ADJECTIVES
the more syllables the better
sometimes it can make reading his writing very difficult
but luckily i discovered a trick
which is that you can replace almost every single one of his adjectives
with “spooky”
without any loss of meaning
let’s try it on one of the paragraphs from the sailor’s account!
AHEM:

“I suppose that only a single mountain-top, the spooky, spooky citadel whereon spooky Cthulu was buried, actually emerged from the waters… Johansen and his men were awed by the spooky majesty of this spooky Babylon of spooky demons, and must have guessed without guidance that it was nothing of this or any other sane planet. Awe at the spooky size of the spooky stone blocks, at the spooky height of the spooky, spooky monolith, and at the spooky identity of the spooky statues and bas-reliefs with the spooky image found in the shrine on the Alert, is spookily visible in every line of the mate’s spooky description.”

SEE?
now just delete every instance of the word “spooky”
and watch this paragraph magically transform into PRETTY GOOD WRITING
but anyway
yeah after these idiots open up the citadel or whatever it is
Cthulu is like O HAI THER
and come lumbering out
along with a big black cloud of poison and insanity
two great things that go great together
and half the crew just instantly goes crazy/dies/is eaten by cthulu
another dude falls into a hole on the structure
that is only there
because the dude who built this shit
was SUCH A SHITTY ARCHITECT
that he BROKE GEOMETRY
like all the veticals are horizontals
and and the parallels are fucking
and what the fuck is a cosecant?
so yeah some dude falls like six degrees to bumfuck turnways
and so only Johansen and this one other dude even make it back to the boat
which is apparently a steam boat
cause they gotta get the steam up
and Cthulu is all GONNA GETCHA
GONNA GONNA GETCHA
and Johansen’s buddy looks back over his shoulder
and sees Cthulu
and INSTANTLY GOES FUCKING INSANE
and Johansen is like NO
FUCK THIS
and he SPINS THE BOAT AROUND
and just drives FULL SPEED AHEAD INTO CTHULU
JUST STRAIGHT THROUGH ITS FUCKING SQUIDFACE
and he basically just straight rips it in half
and it reforms on the other side
but then i guess it gets pretty sad
because instead of taking over the world and slowly fucking everyone to death
Cthulu just crawls back into its horrible deathpalace
and sinks back underwater
UNTIL NEXT TIME
oh yeah by the way this whole nonsense festival coincides precisely
with that painter’s fucked up dreams
and a bunch of other peoples’ fucked up dreams too actually
and some riots and some crazy people problems
and dudes killing themselves and stuff
so i guess the world didn’t get away with it COMPLETELY
there was some consequences i guess

but so then nephew mcnarratortimes
is like welp that’s the story of why everything is fucked forever
i kind of wish i was dead
that’s prolly gonna happen soon anyway
i better watch out for black dudes i guess
but man I just hope no one else finds out about this
that would be horrible for them
WAIT HOLD ON ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FIND OUT THIS SHIT
WHY DID YOU JUST PAINSTAKINGLY DETAIL IT OUT FOR ME
AND THEN PUBLISH IT IN A FUCKING BOOK
WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION PAID TO ALL THE CRUCIAL ADJECTIVES?
GREAT JOB PRICK
NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED

but anyway yeah
the moral of the story
is cthulu is coming
like for sure
but it’s not a big deal
because apparently cthulu can’t handle boats
and we have tons of those
this is perhaps the most potent argument for cruise ships

THE END.

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16 thoughts on “Boats: an Elder God’s Only Weakness

  1. There is even the pullout spray type that’s more like a replacement of the spray wand. A bar sink tap are usually nice improvement for the looks of the sink section if you wish to accomplish a “bar look” for your kitchen.

  2. Racist, racist Lovecraft. For a guy with a name like "Lovecraft" it seems odd that he's such a hater on crafty black people.

  3. The story contains a list of exciting travel spots, warnings about how to avoid the locals, and extols the virtues of cruise ships. Lovecraft was obviously a paid shill for the travel industry.

  4. The most accurate description of Lovecraft's writing ever. Seriously, having read the complete collection (fucker weighs over 3kg I think), dude had some great ideas but about… 2kgs of that book is polysyllabic adjectives?

  5. I like this, it’s pretty funny and it stays true to the tale, except in saying “Elder God”. Cthulhu is a Great Old One.

    By the way, Lovecraft lived from the late 1800′s to the 1930′s. Do you really expect him to be a nigger lover?

  6. Oh god, this is glorious. I’m laughing so hard right now.

    Poor Lovecraft is already spinning in his grave because of that Nyaruko anime, I’m sure a little more fun had at his expense wouldn’t hurt.

  7. Pingback: HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEN | Myths RETOLD

  8. Pingback: The Jam Session That Created the Universe, by J.R.R. Tolkien | Myths RETOLD

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