HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEN

Yeah ok I know it’s not technically Halloween
but there seems to be this weird, totally agreed-upon rule
that in the Adult World
(by which i mean the period of time
between when you can legally purchase alcohol
and when you begin actually having life responsibilities)
That regardless of when Halloween is
it is actually on a Saturday
because i guess most people in the Adult World
have foolishly organized their lives in such a way
that they can’t just be drunk and wearing sexy nurse outfits ALL THE TIME
yeah, fuck, right?
I totally got taken by surprise
much like the dude in this story you’re about to hear

MEET ICHABOD CRANE
he is one of those dudes who has the misfortune
of having a name that perfectly captures how ugly he is
dude is seriously like a scarecrow with body image issues
and not the kind of body image issues a scarecrow SHOULD have
i mean like the really really fashionable kind of body image issues
hey have you noticed that nobody ever seems to have like
reverse anorexia?
like where no matter how much they eat
they just don’t feel fat enough?
My suspicion is that these sorts of people do in fact exist
but that there existence is being covered
by MacDonalds and the liberal media

anyway, Ichabod Crane definitely doesn’t have reverse anorexia
although he is kind of disturbingly obsessed with food
but we’ll get to that
right now what is important is that he is a schoolteacher
in a tiny dutch town called Sleepy Hollow
which sounds like a really cutesy euphemism for daterape
and all the hot babes are totally into him
because he knows how to read and READING IS SEXY
DO YOU HEAR THAT LADIES?
WASHINGTON IRVING SAID IT IT MUST BE TRUE
COME OVER TO MY HOUSE I OWN AT LEAST LIKE FOUR BOOKS.

okay so anorexia, schoolteacher, hot bitches.
done done and done
what else do I need to tell you before we get to the murder part?
(^Spoilers)
Oh ok yeah
So even though Ichabod Crane has his pick of the crop
as far as ladies are concerned
(and also as far as actual crops are concerned
cause he gets to live with the farmers and totally mooch off them
and actually I think Ichabod views ladies and crops kind of the same
like he is always looking at pumpkins and imagining pies
and then looking at ladies and imagining giant lady-pies
in fact I think Ichabod Crane might be a cannibal
WOULDN’T THAT BE SPOOKY?)
he sets his grotesque bug-eyed sights on the hottest lady of them all
I don’t remember her name
I doubt Ichabod does either
considering the fact that he describes her to himself as
“plump as a partridge;
ripe and melting and rosy cheeked as one of her father’s peaches…”
Anyway, what’s important is that she is hot
or at least delicious
and also her dad is fucking loaded
with huge tracts of land
covered in all kinds of idyllic dutch farmer shit
most of which is also edible
which is a big plus for Ichabod Crane’s VORACIOUS METABOLISM
oh hey did I tell you this guy likes food?
He likes food guys
he uh
he really enjoys it.

but the problem is that this hot chick is also being courted
by Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
except he’s dutch now for some reason and his name is Brom Bones
whatever
history is crazy sometimes
just go with it
But this strapping hunk of man can do nothing to stop Ichabod
despite a truly vicious campaign of practical jokes
because Ichabod gets himself hired as the chick’s singing instructor
and quickly goes about establishing a totally inappropriate student-teacher relationship.

all of this comes to a head one night
when Hot Chick’s dad has a really bangin party at his place
and Ichabod gets all dressed up and heads over
and busts such incredibly sick moves on the dance floor
that he is briefly mistaken for Shiva
and he is wowing Lady Hotness so hard
he is certain that tonight is the night he’s gonna get some
(and by “get some”
I mean “inherit all her lands
then sell it all and move to Kentucky”
because oh yeah
Ichabod is kind of a dick)
but then SOMETHING happens
I don’t know what it is
maybe he takes his dick out too soon
maybe he tells her she is a plump partridge and she takes it wrong
but whatever it is
by the end of the night Hotness makes it very clear that she is not going to take it any way at all
wrong or otherwise
and Ichabod has to get back on the shitty horse he stole from some farmer he’s staying with
and ride home in the spooky darkness

oh fuck guys I forgot all this backstory i was sposed to tell you
okay real quick
there’s a dude around here who rides on a horse and has no head
they say he got his head shot off with a cannonball in the war
but that’s bullshit
how would he still be alive
anyway, Ichabod is riding through the woods and he sees that guy
and he’s all “OH SHIT” and starts trying to get away
but his shitty horse malfunctions
and the horseman hits him in the head with a pumpkin and he dies
or at least disappears
although later some people say they saw him in New York
running for political office
which i guess fits
plenty of vampires in politics
oh and also Brom Bones acts really shady about the whole thing
so uh
who knows what happened!

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
Ichabod Crane failed to spit sufficient Game
and the universe punished him for his lack of mojo
WITH DEATH

and that, my friends, is the moral of the story
so tonight, when you find yourself rubbin up against a nice honey
with whatever sexy bumps or nodules you find particularly attractive
remember
that if you do not spend the night at this person’s house
TONIGHT
you will be murdered on your way home by ghosts.

THE END.

RedditStumbleUponShare

11 thoughts on “HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEN

  1. Wait, does this mean The Headless Horseman is the first drunk-driving/riding PSA? Now I want to see those ads. Drunk dudes just being wailed on by specters of the afterlife.

    Also, wow, Brom Bones is totally Gaston. Perhaps a descendant?!?

  2. READING IS SEXY
    DO YOU HEAR THAT LADIES?
    WASHINGTON IRVING SAID IT IT MUST BE TRUE
    COME OVER TO MY HOUSE I OWN AT LEAST LIKE FOUR BOOKS.

    Finally, a pick up line I can honestly use!

  3. “No no! I’m not a psychic! I’m just an expert in cold reading and I read some psychology and I just happen to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of hot-yet-simpleminded no wait where are you going?

    “What did I say?

    “Well I guess it’s back to sodomising crack addicts for me!”

  4. Katrina von Tassel. Oh Washington Irving… your stories never fail to seem not-relevant to my life.

    I forgot, you already told Rip Van Winkle, right?

  5. possibly irrelevant, but now I want to read your “recap” of the movie version with Johnny Depp in it. That one was pretty fucked up – just in a totally different way.

    I never realized that Crane was so obsessed with food. That in itself lends another disturbing level to it, yet with such subtlety. <3

    BTW, your myths have spurred me on to purchasing a book of Japanese and Chinese myths!! You're muse, ruffian, and balm to my heart!

    PS: Yes, as a girl, I can say that men who read – no matter their physical appearance – are infinitely sexier than hunks of ignorant man-meat.

  6. “who knows what happened”

    He got killed by a pumpkin-welding war ghost.
    Otherwise there’s no point to the story, because there’s like a million shitty death-by-jealous-lover stories in every bookstore and newspaper already.

    “whatever sexy bumps or nodules you find particularly attractive”

    My new pickup line:
    You got some mighty purty nodules there, lady.

  7. -her name is katrina von tassel
    -sleepy hollow is not a dutch town, it’s in new york, in tarrytown. i lived there for a year. it was, at one point, populated with mostly dutch people though. :P

    regardless, i lol’d hard

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>