Mountains are Jerks

So when last we left Kullervo
he had killed his shitty hostess
at the house that he was sent to

by his shitty foster parents
who were terrified of wizards.

Now he’s walking through the forest
and he’s feeling kind of lonely

no you know what, fuck this meter.

Kullervo’s like “Boo hoo, I have no friends.”
YEAH GUESS WHAT, FUCKBELL
YOU KILL EVERYONE YOU MEET
THAT’S A VERY BAD WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS.
But then this chick rolls up like “Hey boy why you cryin?”
and Kullervo is like “Uh … uh … for MANLY reasons
like, my foster dad Untamo killed my real parents
and now I’m going to kill HIM!!!”
and the lady is like “Dude, chill
your parents are still alive.”
And Kullervo is like “OH SHIT, WHERE?”
and she’s like “Thou must journey through the forest,
Hasten to the river-border,
Travel one day, then a second,
And the third from morn till even,
To the north-west, thou must journey.
If a mountain comes to meet thee-”
and he’s like “Fuck it, I’ll just google map it.”

So he gets to this little fisherman’s shack
where his parents live now because they’re hiding
and he’s like “Hey mom I’m your son what’s up?”
and his mom is like “OMG KULLERVO
BOY AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU
I was pretty sure you were dead
and your sister is definitely dead
so that was 2 dead kids and I was bummed
now it’s fine though.”

But Kullervo doesn’t think it’s fine
he’s like “Hold up, what happened to my sister?”
so his mom’s like “Well she went out to pick berries
up in the mountains
and then she didn’t come back
so i went out looking for her
and I was yelling and yelling
and the mountains were finally like ‘bitch stop yelling, she’s dead.’
so … there you go.”

But this is Finland
Misery is the national currency here
Kullervo doesn’t have time to grieve
he’s got to WORK.
His dad’s a fisherman, so he decides to help out with that
they go out on a canoe
and Kullervo’s paddling
and he’s like “Okay dad
do you want me to paddle like a wussy geezer
or do you want me to go FULL THROTTLE?”
and his dad is like “What are we, girl babies?
this boat is built to withstand paddling forces
of up to 200 Booyahs
you couldn’t break this boat with your paddling
if each of your arms was a Hercules made of other, tinier Herculii.
FULL THROTTLE, SON.”
So Kullervo takes him at his word
and paddles that boat to fucking pieces
and his dad is like “Wow, you’re terrible at boat
how about you scare fish into my nets instead?”

So Kullervo is like “Okay, dad
do you want me to scare fish like a grumpy toddler
or do you want me to go FULLLLL THROTTTLLLEEE?”
and his dad is like “WHAT ARE WE, BABY INFANTS?
FULL THROTTLE, SON.”
And Kullervo is like “Wow, okay
really thought you would have learned from last time.”
And he scares those salmon so hard
they tear up all the nets
and then pulp themselves into meat salad
just to escape Kullervo’s wizard hands.

So Kullervo’s dad is like “Son
you are an enormous, terrifying disappointment.
The entire beach is now a saltwater and fish smoothie
and it is all your fault.
How about this:
how about you run my taxes down to the post office for me.
Do you think you can do that?”
and Kullervo is like “Do you want me to do it like a pile of wet mice
or do you want me to do it -”
and his dad is like “A pile of wet mice is fine. Just go.”

So Kullervo goes and mails his dad’s taxes
and on the way back
he sees a hot chick in snow shoes
so he pulls up in his sweet sled
chrome sleighbells
20″ dogs
and he’s like “Hey girl
you need a ride?”
and she’s like “Go to hell, creeper.”
and he’s like “FINE” and peels out.

But then half a mile later
he runs up on ANOTHER hot chick in snow shoes
and he’s like “Hey babe
need a ride?”
and she’s like “Ew, go to hell.”
and he’s like “FINE!!!” and peels out again.

But then, half a mile later
he rolls up on a THIRD hot chick in snow shoes
and he’s feeling lucky so he’s like “Hey tootsiepuss
need a ride?”
and she’s like “Ugh, gross. As if.”
and he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK, COME ON.
I’M A WIZARD AND MY SLED IS LEGIT.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU”
and he grabs her and drags her into his sled
and she’s like “WTF DUDE THIS IS ASSAULT”
and he’s like “OH IS IT?
WHAT IF I SHOW YOU … ALL THIS TREASURE I HAVE?”
and she’s like “Oh
dang
suddenly I’m into you.”
Then they have sex.

So these two terrible people finish banging
and get back to calmly sledding across the Finnish tundra.
But the calm does not last
because the lady turns to Kullervo and she’s like “Hey
this might be a weird question
but who’s your dad?”
and he’s like “Kalervo.”
and she’s like “OMG ME TOO
I’M YOUR LONG LOST SISTER
I got lost in the woods one day
and I kept yelling for my mom
(WHOOPS I MEAN OUR MOM)
and finally the mountains were like ‘bitch stop yelling no one’s coming.’
And I’ve just been wandering around ever since.
Anyway, gotta go kill myself for having sex with you now.
Thanks for the orgasms I guess!”
and Kullervo is like “Wow I really fucked the dog on that one
and by the dog I mean my biological sister
that is just the worst.”

So basically
if Kullervo hadn’t forced a random woman into his car
dazzled her with riches and then had sex with her
he wouldn’t have done incest to his sister
and she wouldn’t have thrown herself into a fucking lake
which makes this story one of the earliest fables
to caution against street harassment.

Thank you, goodnight.

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Egyptians are pretty weird

Damn it’s about time

so there is this dude Atum
(now to be fair
there are a ton of different versions of this story
or maybe just like 2
and the dude is named a different thing
depending on who you ask
but this version is by far the sweetest
so I am using it)
actually this dude does not exist
at least not at the beginning of the story
all there is is this shitty infinite water
called Nu
but then Atum
who – remember – doesn’t exist
is like this sucks
how about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER
so he does that

so then Atum is standing around
except actually he is not standing
there is no place to stand
so Atum is like fuck this
there is an acute hill shortage here
time to rectify that shit
so he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES

so obviously Atum gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is
in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE
is a hill and some water
so he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes
to literally will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like COME ON GUYS
SOOOOOOO LAZY
fuck
fine I’ll make my own friends

but there is a problem
because apprently although Atum can make hills
and HIMSELF
he can’t make people
sexual reproduction is suddenly ruining everything
as usual
but Atum does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead
and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT HIS MOUTH
yes guys
this is what happened
if egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
depending on whether you are a boy or a girl?
see Atum has two kids
the phlegmkid is this dude Shu
god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you
but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing i guess

anyway Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored
than even their omnipotent father could have imagined
so they are sitting around and they are like hey
let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost
so they do
somewhere in the shitty clusterfuck oceanstravaganza
that is everything everywhere forever
kind of like seaworld
but except seaworld is everything everywhere
and there is no shamu
and there is no amusement park
or hotdogs or whatever
it is just actually the water part of seaworld
and there are only three people there
and two of them are spit and vomit
and also lost
actually that last part is a lot like seaworld

so Atum is like god dammit guys
I fucked my own SHADOW so i wouldn’t be lonely
but lookie here
more tomfoolery
so what he does is he takes out his one eye
by the way he only has one eye
and he is like hey eye
go find my kids
so it does
and it brings them back to Atum
and atum starts crying
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all

what is important is that those tears hit the hill Atum made
and they turn into people
guys we are made of sadness
this is definitive proof
anyway then Shu and Tefnut start having kids somehow
maybe they fuck each other
it’s not like there’s any shortage of incest everywhere all the time
they pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
those are extremely large babies no lie

anyway later Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff

so basically what it all comes down to
is we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow
i’m gonna go cry now
i hope it doesn’t turn it into babies.

the end.

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When I say GENES you say IS

ok guys
i deleted that last post
because i don’t want any posts on my blog
that are not sweet myths
or at least myths of some kind
don’t worry, people who recommended myths in that post
i remember what you recommended
and those were some pretty badass suggestions
and i’ll totally do them
speaking of totally doing things
here is a myth about that

by the way that was the LAST PART OF THE BOOK OF GENESIS
hope you enjoyed it

now if people actually read this blog
i could take a vote on which myth you would rather hear next
beowulf or the mabinogi
but oh well.

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I am honestly not sure whether someone said GENESIS because I have auditory hallucinations

Alright guys
this is the second to last installment
of this fucking beast
you guys should take this as an opportunity
to start suggesting what massive behemoth myth
i should retell on video
the NEXT TIME someone gives me money
also i am sorry that the videos this time are so long
i only have so many opportunities to get on the internet
so i am condensing down what would normally be probably
about double the number of posts
into five
five VALUE SIZED posts
so here is your value

I hope you enjoyed your value

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Someone said GENESIS but i thought they said GENITALS and then i was disappointed

hey guys
i did this myth today
from inside my car
which someone else was driving
down a dark highway somewhere in Amishtown Ohio
seriously there were horse-drawn buggies
with flashing lights on the back of them
at like 8PM
i am sorry i am not wearing a hat in this one
there is a dangly thing next to my head though so that’s something
anyway this is the video

i am glad we didn’t hit any amish people
because i hear if you hit amish people you get a curse

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Nobody said Genesis but I did it anyway

Here is episode 2 of god being a dick
guys have you ever gone to a contemporary art museum
expecting to see some sweet contemporary art
only to find a bunch of different canvasses nailed together
each one painted a different solid color
or like
a whole room full of white canvasses
maybe one of them says AIDS on it
but it’s hard to tell
BECAUSE IT’S WRITTEN IN WHITE
when i see things like this
it makes me want to be bill-gates rich
so i can buy out the museum
build an igloo out of this shit
and set the igloo on fire
and then sell it to another museum
for ten times what those paintings were worth
anyway here’s my masterpiece

you know why my plan works?
because FIRE increases VALUE.

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Thyestes is one Massive Asshole Parade

ok so get ready to laugh your ass off

there is this guy Thyestes right
he has a brother named Atreus
one day they get together like hey
let’s murder out half-brother Chrysippus
in order to try and become joint kings of this kingdom we live in
OH WHOOPS IT BACKFIRED LOOKS LIKE WE’RE EXILED

so they haul ass over to mycenae
where word of their dickery has yet to spread
and the king there
eurystheus
(remember him?
he’s the guy who shoved his fist
up hercules’ ass
for like 13 years
)
is like hey guys
I have to go fight all the children
of the guy who i laughingly fisted for 13 years
wanna take over the throne while i’m gone?
you guys seem trustworthy enough
and Thyestes and Atreus are like SHIT YEAH BITCHESSS
and eurystheus is like alright awesome i trust you guys totally
cya later
and then gets promptly murdered
because he is trying to one-man ALL OF HERCULES’ PISSED OFF SONS

so now atreus and Thyestes are kings of mycenae
but see
it is hard to co-rule a kingdom
alongside a dude
who you already know
has conspired to murder your half brother
in order to be king of something
so plots start getting laid down THICK
thick like ten-ply molasses
so thick
that these plots are now part of the fucking fossil record
archeologists all digging down
finding rich plot deposits
theorizing as to what flavor of raptor
could concoct such incredibly thick plots

ok so what happens
is first atreus decides he wants to get in good with artemis
for whatever reason
seriously artemis is like the worst goddess
for a dude to be friends with
because 1) dudes do not have vaginas
and therefore do not have babies
and having babies
is something artemis helps out with

and 2)
as soon as you devirginize a chick
BAM
i hope you like meat cubes
because that is going to be the new nickname for your dick
after artemis is done throwing a knife party in your pants
and inviting all the knives

but so atreus makes a poor decision
and he cements this poor decision by being like hey
artemis
gonna sacrifice all the best goats in my flock to you
here let me go get them
and he goes and counts his goats all like
1
2
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS MADE OF GOLD
so he runs over to his wife Aerope like WIFE
HIDE THIS GOLDEN GOAT FROM ARTEMIS
YOU KNOW
THE GODDESS I PROMISED TO SACRIFICE IT TO
I NEED THIS GOAT SO BAD
I DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHY
HIDE IT PLZ
and Aerope is like no problem
i will hide it
by giving it to the guy i am cheating on you with
it is the perfect hiding place

but PLOT TWIST
turns out Aerope is cheating on Atreus
WITH THYESTES
HOLY SHIT
DID SOMEONE JUST ADD SOME CRISCO TO THIS PLOT
BECAUSE IT SURE AS SHIT STARTED THICKENING JUST NOW
and thyestes is like thanks for this goat
i am going to use it for treachery
HEY ATREUS

so atreus is like whats up bro
and thyestes is like i heard you have a gold goat
and atreus is like i dont know how you know that but yeah
and thyestes is like i have an idea
how about you decree that whoever has that goat is king
then you will be king
and atreus is like i’m already king
we are both already king
and thyestes is like what
you dont want to be DOUBLE KING?
and atreus is like hm when you put it that way
and he goes ahead and makes this retarded degree
which
even if Aerope HADN’T given away the goat
would have made HER king instead of Atreus
and then Thyestes is like PRANKED LOOKS LIKE I’M KING NOW ASSHOLE

so then Atreus is like aw man bro what the fuck
give me the throne back
and thyestes is like sure fine ok
just as soon as the SUN MOVES BACKWARDS IN THE SKY
and atreus is like hey zeus can you do that for me
and Zeus is like sure dude
done
and thyestes is like fuck
i really didn’t expect it to be that easy
welp
looks like i’m banished from ANOTHER kingdom

so then atreus is king again
and he finds out his wife has been boning thyestes
prolly because she is suddenly less sexually satisfied
and he is like DAMN YOU THYESTES
I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS
BY MURDERING AND THEN COOKING YOUR CHILDREN

so he does that
and then he is like hey thyestes no hard feelings
about the whole goat thing
here come back to mycenae
have some food with me
and thyestes is like mm this is good what is this
and Atreus is like YOUR SONS ASSHOLE
and then he brings their hands and heads out from the kitchen
and puts on some kind of fucked up puppet show
which really kind of ruins dinner for everyone
especially thyestes
cause he just ate his kids or something

so thyestes runs away screaming and crying and shit
and he doesnt know what else to do so he goes to an oracle
and the oracle is like you know what you should do
bang your daughter
and then the incest baby you have from that
will kill Atreus
and Thyestes is like DONE

so he goes over to his daughter Pelopia
like hey honey i heard you like incest
and Pelopia is like really
that’s weird because i OH SHIT I’M GETTING RAPED
and she has a baby named Aegisthus
who she can’t stand to look at
cause of the whole incest rape thing
so she sends him to go live with Atreus
who raises him real nice
until one day Thyestes shows up like hey Aegisthus
guess what I am
I am your father
NO WAIT
i am your grandfather
NO WAIT
I am your father AND your grandfather
GUESS WHAT PUSSNEXUS
I RAPED YOUR MOM

and Aegisthus is like RRRRR THIS MAKES ME SO MAD
I AM GOING TO TAKE OUT MY RAGE
ON MY LOVING ADOPTIVE FATHER
BY KILLING HIM
BECAUSE I AM A BAAAAAAD PERSONNNNNN
so he killes Atreus
making Thyestes king AGAIN

so thyestes’ first act as king
is to exile Atreus’ sons
Agamemnon and Menelaus to sparta
but it turns out
you do not want to exile your brother’s warrior sons
to a nation of perfect warriors
because then they come back
and kick the shit out of thyestes
and agamemnon becomes king
and he and menelaus get to marry these spartan chicks
Clytemnestra and Helen respectively
and then helen gets stolen
and the trojan war happens
and while agamemnon is gone
Aegisthus seduces the fuck out of clytemnestra
all like hey wanna help me murder your husband when he comes back
and clytemnestra is like sure ok
so then they do that
they murder him in his bathtub
its like hey honey im home i see you drew me a bath how nice oh shi
so then 8 years later Agamemnon’s kid Orestes shows up
kills clytemnestra AND Aegisthus
and at this point the gods are like alright guys
we get it
you like killing each other
calm the FUCK down
hey orestes
guess what
you’re forgiven
go start a fucking baseball team or something
seriously

so the moral of the story is
have you ever played soccer
or basketball
or any of those sports like that
and did your coach ever tell you
don’t stop playing until you actually hear the ref’s whistle
so yeah the moral of the story is
don’t stop murdering until you actually hear the gods get sick of it
and interfere
you don’t want to stop murdering too early
just because you think its like
wrong or something
hold out for divine interference
they say murder doesn’t stop itself
but that is in fact exactly what it does

The End

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