Sherlock Holmes: The Original House M.D.

Alright guys I’m back
Did you miss me?
I did not miss you
I was on a farm and it was great and we had chickens
oh also guess what,
due to popular demand I am going to be making more Norse Crisis Flowchart Shirts
but I wanna pick a new color
so tell me what color you want the shirts to be!

OKAY
SHERLOCK HOLMES
we have spoken of him before on this here internet website
but it was not me who was talking about him
and my friends, I have some shit to say.
the story I am going to tell you today was originally titled A STUDY IN SCARLET
but it is better known as DRUG-ADDLED SOCIOPATH SOLVES ALL THE CRIMES
wait that’s just my title for ALL the Sherlock Holmes stories

but when our story begins, Sherlock Holmes is nowhere in sight
because we are way the hell over in Afghanistan with this doctor named Watson
he’s a pretty good doctor
but it turns out that what he’s really good at is getting shot with bullets
and then flying back to London with a bad case of the PTSD
except that when he gets back to London
and checks into a hotel with all his army dollars
it turns out that PTSD actually stands for PARTY TIL SUN-DOWN
(to forget the innumerable horrors of war)
and as we all know, THE SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE
so Watson is just straight up partying ALL THE TIME
and his army dollars are abundant, but they are not infinite
so after a brief stay in party central, he is obliged to find a cheaper apartment out in the party suburbs
and this is when unlucky watson suddenly gets very lucky(?)
because he’s hanging out in one of his favorite bars, when this dude runs up to him like YO WATSON
I REMEMBER YOUR ASS FROM MEDICAL SCHOOL
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT?
THERE’S THIS DANGEROUS PSYCHOPATH I KNOW WHO IS ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT
and Watson is like “does he mind sudden midnight screaming fits brought on by the traumas of war?”
and his friend is like “probably he is the cause of a lot of those”
and Watson is like SOLD

so they go over to the chemisty lab where Watson’s friend works
and this is where we finally get to meet Mister SHERLOCK HOLMES
notice that I used the title MISTER and not DOCTOR
because although this is a medical laboratory
Sherlock Holmes possesses NO ACCREDITATION WHATSOEVER
he just shows up to this chemistry lab every day
and beats dead bodies with golf clubs and fails to produce any credentials
and they all just LET HIM COME
in fact, when Watson arrives, Sherlock is busy MUTILATING HIS HANDS WITH A KNIFE
in order to prove that this liquid he made knows what blood is
and then he gets introduced to Watson and he’s like HEY MAN YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN
and Watson is like duh I already know that
I struggle with the trauma of that experience every minute of every day
but it’s kind of weird that you know that about me.
Let’s be roommates!

So they move in together
and aside from some weird postmodern violin shit
and the fact that he spends three days out of every month coked to the tits
Sherlock Holmes is a pretty fine roommate
and Watson
who is too lazy to get his own job
spends all his time trying to figure out what Sherlock Holmes does for a living
COME ON, WATSON
HE’S SHERLOCK HOLMES
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
but anyway he never really figures it out so Sherlock Holmes just tells him
he’s like “I’m a consulting detective
which means that I don’t actually get paid and I don’t have a job
my money comes from that same mysterious vortex where most well-dressed english dudes get their money.
I’m pretty much just the working detective’s equivalent of the odd-numbered problems in the back of a math textbook
basically people walk into my house and I solve their problems
I hope you are okay with people dragging their big sloppy problems into our house all the time”
and watson is like “As long as you are okay with me occasionally mistaking them for enemy combatants!”
then they go off to solve crimes!

Cause see, it turns out a dude has been murdered
and the entire London police force is composed of fifty pound bags of salt in police uniforms
and two of these saltbags are important police detectives
named Lestrade and The Other Guy
and they have pretty much built their careers
on the fact that no one else needs to solve problems when Sherlock Holmes is around
cause lemme back up just a wee second:
Sherlock Holmes is the ultimate crime-solving engine
he has become this horrible thing through a combination of reading up on every crime ever committed
and forgetting all of the unimportant things
like that the earth revolves around the sun, or what a vagina looks like
he has done this in the interest of being able to call everyone he meets a fucking moron
while carrying a magnifying glass everywhere he goes and huffing bags of cocaine

okay, so Watson and Sherlock show up at this murder
a guy is dead in an abandoned house
blood is everywhere but it’s not his
you know, typical mystery shit
it’s not really that important
it’s just a bunch of opportunities for Sherlock Holmes to wave his braindick around
and then they find some chick’s ring on the floor, which Sherlock steals
SO FAR SO GOOD

then they talk to some other police officers, and then Sherlock Holmes goes to an opera
and then he puts an ad in the paper about the ring he stole
in the interest of making the criminal come to him
but instead of the criminal, some old-ass woman shows up
and after she leaves, Sherlock tries to tail her
but it turns out to be an olympic gymnast in an old lady suit
who bails out of a cab while Sherlock is riding on the back.
this is never fully explained.

So Sherlock is trying to come up with another way to catch the murderer
when ANOTHER dude gets murdered
this dude was the first dude’s secretary
and he got stabbed in his hotel room
because the killer actually brought a ladder and just climbed up in there.
okay guys, I don’t know about you, but if a dude with a knife was climbing up a ladder into my bedroom
I WOULD PUSH THAT SHIT OVER.
That secretary was too stupid to live, is what I’m saying.
The police search the room and they find a box with some pills in it
and Sherlock Holmes is like CALLED IT
THOSE PILLS ARE POISON
ALLOW ME TO PROVE IT
then he poisons his landlady’s dog to death with them.
SHIT YEAH, CONSULTING DETECTIVE.

So a dog is dead and a ring is stolen
and still no one has any idea who the murderer is
except for SHERLOCK HOLMES
who has hired an army of homeless orphans
to find a cab driver named Jefferson Hope, and bring him to his apartment
where he proceeds to handcuff him in front of both of those police detectives i mentioned
the ones whose job is to just be wrong all the time

so the murderer is caught, the case is closed
looks like this is the end OH NO IT’S TIME FOR AN OLD WEST FLASHBACK
WELCOME TO THE UTAH DESERT
A DUDE IS HERE WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND THEY ARE GOING TO DIE
his daughter is super stoked because she’s heard there are pancakes in heaven
but she is cruelly denied those heavenly pancakes when she and her father are saved by EVIL MORMONS
i mean it’s not evil that they rescue her
but 16 years later, when the daughter wants to marry this sexy hunter she found
Bringham Young is like OH NO YOU DON’T
MARRY ONE OF THESE TWO ASSHOLES I PICKED
THEY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH WIVES AND THEY NEED MORE WIVES
THE MAIN PROBLEM WITH BEING A MORMON IS CONSTANTLY RUNNING OUT OF WIVES
UNLESS YOU ARE A WOMAN
AND THEN THE PROBLEMS ARE PRETTY OBVIOUS

but the chick’s dad is like NO WAY, MY DAUGHTER IS GOING TO MARRY THAT SEXY HUNTER
and Bringham Young is like “How about a compromise
how about I give you 30 days
and if your daughter has not married one of the dudes I’ve picked by then, I kill you
and in the meantime, I send CRAZY MORMON GHOSTS to infiltrate your house
and pin numbers to all your stuff
to remind you how many days you have left?”
and the chick’s dad is like “That doesn’t sound like a compromise
that actually sounds like a horror movie”
but it’s too late, cause ghosts are already up in his shit!

but luckily that sexy hunter comes in and rescues them
but then it’s not really that lucky because he goes off to wrestle a bear
and while he’s gone the mormons catch up and kill the dad and marry the chick
and then she dies of a bad marriage
and all that’s left for the hunter to do
is to spend the rest of his life seeking REVENGE

SOUND LIKE A NONSEQUITUR?
WELL IT WON’T WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT THAT HUNTER’S NAME IS
IT’S JEFFERSON HOPE
the dude who just did all those murders
and the dudes Bringham Young picked to marry that chick?
those are the dudes that got murdered just now!
Jefferson Hope chased them all the way to England
and then he got one of them drunk and murdered him in a house
with those poison pills
(actually he gave him a choice between a poison pill and a placebo
but jesus came down and made him pick the poison or something)
and then he just straight stabbed the other guy
oh yeah and that blood from earlier was from Jefferson’s nose
because he was so excited about murders
oh and then as soon as he tells everyone about the evil mormon’s and shit
his heart explodes
thus conspicuously preventing justice from being served
except I guess justice has been served
because those mormons had it coming
and no one even thinks it’s odd
that Sherlock Holmes solved this mystery with a combination of cocaine, dog-poisoning, and child labor

So the moral of the story

is a fucking mystery.

The end.

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The Speckled Band Is Not A Story About Rockstars With The Measles

Today’s scintillating tale of mystery and dumb animals courtesy of Alisa “Uppercut Salesman” Arruda!
BON VOYAGE! 

Sherlock Holmes is kinda creepy
I don’t say this thing lightly
I mean I am the first to line up for the hugging brigade
if Holmes started a hugging brigade
I’m not even sure what a hugging brigade would actually be composed of
Hugs that travel in a little car?
anyway
the point is that I love Sherlock Holmes in a special way
which is why it is important that I think he’s a little creepy

the adventure of the speckled band
which is not about a group of high school musicians
starts with holmes watching watson while he’s sleeping
no joke
watson wakes up because he feels the cold unflinching gaze of holmes upon him
in his sleep
and then after that he always slept with a cross under his pillow
but in the meantime holmes needs watson to be awake
because he was woken up by mrs hudson
who was woken up by their client
is everyone on their period in this story?

There is a client downstairs
and why watson is necessary for this transaction is unclear
but holmes calls him his intimate friend
hehehehe
and watson takes three paragraphs to describe this lady
when he could have just written
“damn, this broad is ugly”
but really it is important to the story
that we know how ugly she is
in detail
well
he says haggard
that’s like a euphemism

anyway this woman
wants to hire holmes
but is afraid that she has no money to pay him
holmes is all
bitch, chill
I take cases because I am an artist
and not for anything so crass as money

asshole

and does his normal
announce something about the visitor
that they haven’t told him yet
and then their eyes bug out and they’re all
HOLY SHIT
YOU’RE MAGICAL
So he can explain how he figured it out
it happens in every story
so you would think he’d get tired of it
but I guess not

so this lady
I can’t even remember her name
henrietta
or helena
or harry
or haggard
or something
IT ISN’T IMPORTANT
but she is worried
because her mother
in the infinite wisdom of mothers
married this motherfucker
HA
and died
leaving this will that says that he can use her money
until her two daughters get married
and then they get the money
get that?
He loses all her dead person money
as soon as these two children grow up and get married
GEE MOM
THAT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A MOTIVE
FOR WANTING THEM TO STAY UNMARRIED
SMART MOVE DEAD LADY

and shockingly enough
Haggard’s sister is dead
under mysterious circumstances

WHY ARE THEY STILL LIVING WITH THE DUDE?
Okay I clearly do not understand victorian social mores
but these two chicks are almost 30
and they are still living with creepy step-dad
who keeps giving them murder-eyes
every time they talk to a dude

I WAS JUST GETTING SOME MILK DAD
STOP GIVING ME MURDER EYES
GOD

and it is entirely appropriate for Haggard to be worried
because her twin sister Dead Lady
is dead
right before she was supposed to get married too
huh
that seems coincidental
must have been a murder moon
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR FREE, FOLKS

now haggard is due to get married
and step-dad

has taken to following her around the house and cackling wildly
so she is understandably concerned

holmes says huh
and okay
and indeed
and agrees to take the case

but only after she mentions that step-dad keeps a baboon and a cheetah

and holmes is secretly all
FUCKING BADASS
but he’s victorian so he just says I see

so let’s talk about Dead Lady’s death
she wakes up in the middle of the night
screams
and dies while gasping the words “THE SPECKLED BAND”
let’s give the lady an oscar
seriously
you want to know why people like this story
this shit right here

so holmes and watson venture to wherever this story is set
country land
and do some investigating
the investigating involves a lot of false leads

and people talking about how weird step-dad is

again
murder eyes
but most of it is red herrings
there are gypsies that camp on the grounds was it gypsies?
No it was not gypsies
or cheetahs
or lfdkfjsdlfkjsdl
just get to the good part

HERE IS THE GOOD PART
so holmes and watson spend the night in Haggard’s bedroom
oh my
well no cause she isn’t there
she sneaks off to another room
and holmes waits
and waits
and then there’s a whistle
and he starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING
AAAAAH
AAAAAAAH
WHAT IS IT

spoilers
it was a motherfucking snake
yeah so this dude was sending a poisonous snake through the ducts
in order to kill his step daughters
for their money
HOLY SHIT
but anyway holmes scares it
and it runs
uh
slithers?
Back through the ducts
and is all grrrrr I didn’t get to bite a lady

so he bites step-dad
who dies

so the moral I guess
is how the fuck did he train a snake to come on command?
Learn how to do that shit
and join the circus

So I understand how you might think that this is what Alisa does ALL THE TIME but that is not the case. In fact you are more likely to find her at her blog because she is too cool for xanga now.

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