The Speckled Band Is Not A Story About Rockstars With The Measles

Today’s scintillating tale of mystery and dumb animals courtesy of Alisa “Uppercut Salesman” Arruda!
BON VOYAGE! 

Sherlock Holmes is kinda creepy
I don’t say this thing lightly
I mean I am the first to line up for the hugging brigade
if Holmes started a hugging brigade
I’m not even sure what a hugging brigade would actually be composed of
Hugs that travel in a little car?
anyway
the point is that I love Sherlock Holmes in a special way
which is why it is important that I think he’s a little creepy

the adventure of the speckled band
which is not about a group of high school musicians
starts with holmes watching watson while he’s sleeping
no joke
watson wakes up because he feels the cold unflinching gaze of holmes upon him
in his sleep
and then after that he always slept with a cross under his pillow
but in the meantime holmes needs watson to be awake
because he was woken up by mrs hudson
who was woken up by their client
is everyone on their period in this story?

There is a client downstairs
and why watson is necessary for this transaction is unclear
but holmes calls him his intimate friend
hehehehe
and watson takes three paragraphs to describe this lady
when he could have just written
“damn, this broad is ugly”
but really it is important to the story
that we know how ugly she is
in detail
well
he says haggard
that’s like a euphemism

anyway this woman
wants to hire holmes
but is afraid that she has no money to pay him
holmes is all
bitch, chill
I take cases because I am an artist
and not for anything so crass as money

asshole

and does his normal
announce something about the visitor
that they haven’t told him yet
and then their eyes bug out and they’re all
HOLY SHIT
YOU’RE MAGICAL
So he can explain how he figured it out
it happens in every story
so you would think he’d get tired of it
but I guess not

so this lady
I can’t even remember her name
henrietta
or helena
or harry
or haggard
or something
IT ISN’T IMPORTANT
but she is worried
because her mother
in the infinite wisdom of mothers
married this motherfucker
HA
and died
leaving this will that says that he can use her money
until her two daughters get married
and then they get the money
get that?
He loses all her dead person money
as soon as these two children grow up and get married
GEE MOM
THAT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A MOTIVE
FOR WANTING THEM TO STAY UNMARRIED
SMART MOVE DEAD LADY

and shockingly enough
Haggard’s sister is dead
under mysterious circumstances

WHY ARE THEY STILL LIVING WITH THE DUDE?
Okay I clearly do not understand victorian social mores
but these two chicks are almost 30
and they are still living with creepy step-dad
who keeps giving them murder-eyes
every time they talk to a dude

I WAS JUST GETTING SOME MILK DAD
STOP GIVING ME MURDER EYES
GOD

and it is entirely appropriate for Haggard to be worried
because her twin sister Dead Lady
is dead
right before she was supposed to get married too
huh
that seems coincidental
must have been a murder moon
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR FREE, FOLKS

now haggard is due to get married
and step-dad

has taken to following her around the house and cackling wildly
so she is understandably concerned

holmes says huh
and okay
and indeed
and agrees to take the case

but only after she mentions that step-dad keeps a baboon and a cheetah

and holmes is secretly all
FUCKING BADASS
but he’s victorian so he just says I see

so let’s talk about Dead Lady’s death
she wakes up in the middle of the night
screams
and dies while gasping the words “THE SPECKLED BAND”
let’s give the lady an oscar
seriously
you want to know why people like this story
this shit right here

so holmes and watson venture to wherever this story is set
country land
and do some investigating
the investigating involves a lot of false leads

and people talking about how weird step-dad is

again
murder eyes
but most of it is red herrings
there are gypsies that camp on the grounds was it gypsies?
No it was not gypsies
or cheetahs
or lfdkfjsdlfkjsdl
just get to the good part

HERE IS THE GOOD PART
so holmes and watson spend the night in Haggard’s bedroom
oh my
well no cause she isn’t there
she sneaks off to another room
and holmes waits
and waits
and then there’s a whistle
and he starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING
AAAAAH
AAAAAAAH
WHAT IS IT

spoilers
it was a motherfucking snake
yeah so this dude was sending a poisonous snake through the ducts
in order to kill his step daughters
for their money
HOLY SHIT
but anyway holmes scares it
and it runs
uh
slithers?
Back through the ducts
and is all grrrrr I didn’t get to bite a lady

so he bites step-dad
who dies

so the moral I guess
is how the fuck did he train a snake to come on command?
Learn how to do that shit
and join the circus

So I understand how you might think that this is what Alisa does ALL THE TIME but that is not the case. In fact you are more likely to find her at her blog because she is too cool for xanga now.

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12 thoughts on “The Speckled Band Is Not A Story About Rockstars With The Measles

  1. "is everyone on their period in this story?"

    HAHAHAHHA — truth!

    This story always bugged me. It was the first Shelock tale I ever read and I always felt like it was kinda beneath his reputation of awesomesauce. Like, no one else could have hung out in her bedroom to figure shit out? Or she couldn't have, IDK, just kept a light on and a lookout? Gah.

  2. This was glorious and WHY I love me some sherlock but have real issues with his cannon. lol

    thats what fanfic is for anyways =)

  3. and holmes is secretly all
    FUCKING BADASS
    but he's victorian so he just says I see

    I LOL'd. In class. Thank you for this awesomeness.

  4. …with MILK. He trained the snake WITH MILK. Because snakes are all about milk? Even as a small and rather creepy child reading this story I was like "you fucking WHAT? Imma get me some milk and a snake…"

    SPOILERS: it doesn't work.

  5. That's too funny! And…rather accurate.
    Also: "and holmes is secretly all
    FUCKING BADASS
    but he's victorian so he just says I see"
    Yes. A million times yes.

  6. I remember reading this in middle school and thinking it was definitely not one of Sir Arthur's best works. Like maybe he was drunk and was like HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA IF THERE WERE SNAKES THAT BIT BITCHES BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A MYSTERY. That shit put me off Sherlock for a loooong time.

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