Cephalus has nothing to do with squids, disappointingly

okay so there’s this fucking guy right

his name is Cephalus and he is pretty legit
but as you will soon learn that does not stop gods from fucking him over
basically what happens is the goddess Aurora sees him and is like OH DAMN
LET ME PUT SEX ON YOU
VIA THE TIME-TESTED MEDIUM OF KIDNAPPING
so she steals him

but see the problem here
is that Cephalus has a wife
her name is procris
and she is favored by Diana
which is weird because Diana is the god of no sex forever
so i guess this is what you might call a sexless marriage
but anyway Procris totally gets sweet prizes from Artemis
like this magical dog that can run real fast and shit
and she gives it to her husband because SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH
fuck man if I got a megafast dog i would keep that shit
she must really like this dude

but so yeah
when Aurora sees that Procris is giving away MAGIC SPEED DOGS to her husband
and also when she learns that Cephalus is totally not gonna bone her
she is like ok fine
you can go back to your shitty mortal wife
but i swear some day it’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass

so then one day it does
see there is this fox everyone hates
the gods put it there because they are dicks
and no dog can catch it
so they borrow cephalus’s dog
and it’s gonna catch it
except then the gods turn the dog and the fox into stone
because fuck it why not
and then later Procris hears that Cephalus is talking to himself
writing love poems to the fucking wind
and she freaks out because she thinks the wind is a person
and goes to spy on him
and because he is a great hunter he shoots her in the fucking face
and then she dies
and he’s like woman
the breeze is not a person what the hell is your problem
and everyone is sad forever

so the moral of the story
is before you get jealous of someone
look up their name in the dictionary
they might be an inanimate object
and inanimate objects are not worth getting shot over

the end

RedditStumbleUponShare

2 thoughts on “Cephalus has nothing to do with squids, disappointingly

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>