Deucalion and Pyrrha Get Pranked

holy shit I can’t believe I haven’t done this one already

like seriously I searched through the archives a bunch of times
I even tried searching with all the words misspelled
but no
I haven’t done this one
SO LET’S DO THIS

okay so there’s basically a whole bunch of ages of humanity you don’t know about
the first one was the golden age
golden age is kind of a misnomer
it prolly should have been called
the age where there is milk and honey instead of water
and no wars and no judges or money or farming or whatever
but that name is pretty long i guess so they went with golden age
even though no one has any gold
that comes later
so then there’s the silver age
which happens after Zeus explodes his dad
and then there are seasons and shit
and prometheus makes all the dudes somehow
and it’s a total sausage fest but that’s ok because stuff is still pretty sweet
but oh shit
those silver age dudes have to go and fuck up
and bang all these nymphs they found
and make babies
and OH SHIT NOW IT’S BRONZE AGE TIME
YOU THOUGHT BRONZE AGE WAS A PERIOD OF HISTORY CHARACTERIZED BY THE USE OF BRONZE?
THINK AGAIN MOTHERFUCKERS
THE BRONZE AGE WAS THE AGE WHERE EVERYONE FUCKED EACH OTHER OVER AND SHAT SADNESS
actually the bronze age in history is pretty much like that too right?
but anyway that is NOT WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
and then pretty quick after that is the iron age
i don’t know what the real difference is other than i guess the iron age sucks more
again
nothing to do with history
but at this point zeus wakes up from a thousand year pansexual orgy and is like WHOA
FUCK YOU GUYS WHAT DID YOU DO
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN MY WORLD
man i really gotta stop drinking

so Zeus gets a breakfast burrito and sobers up a little bit
but i guess he doesn’t sober ALL THE WAY up
because the next thing he does is be like WELP
GUESS I BETTER FLOOD EVERYTHING
FLOODING:
highly recommended by gods EVERYWHERE
but then he sobers all the way up and he’s like OHHHH FUCKKKKK
WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO WHY IS THERE WATER EVERYWHERE
HEY POSEIDON?
and Poseidon is like yeah?
and Zeus is like DID I CALL YOU UP EARLIER AND TELL YOU TO HELP ME FLOOD EVERYTHING
and Poseidon is like yeah you sounded real pissed
and Zeus is like I WAS DRUNK BUDDY YOU GOTTA NOT LISTEN TO ME WHEN I DRUNK DIAL YOU
OKAY DAMAGE CONTROL
CAN WE FIX THIS?
and Poseidon is like well we can get rid of the water but like
the people are still gonna be dead
and Zeus is like oh yeah whatever
people?
psh
who needs people when I have WHORES
and Poseidon is like dude
those whores you’ve been sleeping with were totally people
and Zeus is like AW FUCK THIS IS TERRIBLE
ARE THERE ANY PEOPLE LEFT?
and Poseidon is like yeah there’s a couple over by that mountain over there
but they’re married
and they’re pretty virtuous or whatever
and Zeus is like AW BALLS
CAN WE MAKE MORE PEOPLE?
and Poseidon is like well i think people can make other people
should we go get them to fuck or something?
and Zeus is like hm
nah
I’m sure the Oracle at Delphi will take care of it
i’ve got a list of chicks I haven’t fucked yet and I wanna go check off a couple

SO CUT TO EARTH
those two people I mentioned? Their names are Deucalion and Pyrrha
and they are super virtuous like i said
and they’re hanging out on earth like oh shit
we are the last people
also everything is covered in mud
that certainly sucks
sooooo
should we fuck?
nah
let’s ask the oracle at Delphi about it
I’m sure she’ll handle the problem

so they go to the oracle and the oracle is like OKAY
HERE’S WHAT YOU DO
TAKE YOUR MOTHER’S BONES
THROW THAT SHIT FUCKING EVERYWHERE
and Pyrrha is like whoa
whoa now
what?
and the Oracle is like YOU HEARD ME BITCH
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING ORACLE
YOU CHOSE TO ASK ME THIS QUESTION KNOWING FULL WELL HOW YOUR GENITALS WORK
SO I GET TO SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT AND YOU JUST GOTTA DEAL WITH IT

so Pyrrha is freaking the fuck out
cause she kind of liked her mom
plus where is she gonna find her bones
the world just flooded
they could be anywhere
and Deucalion is like whoa ok chill out
the Oracle couldn’t possibly have meant our actual mothers’ bones
it’s not like the Oracle constantly gives terrible advice
probably she meant our mother THE EARTH
and by bones she meant ROCKS
OF COURSE HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO STUPID AS TO TAKE THE ORACLE AT HER WORD
so they start dancing around chucking rocks over their shoulders
and the rocks turn into people
the rocks the dude throws turn into dudes
and the chick’s rocks turn into chicks
and then the earth gets warmed up by the sun and has all these weird swampbabies
like this giant snake Apollo kills
but whatever at least humanity isn’t extinct

so the moral of the story is
don’t throw rocks
if you’re not ready to be a parent

THE END

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4 thoughts on “Deucalion and Pyrrha Get Pranked

  1. Pingback: Andromeda is in a Galaxy of Trouble | Myths RETOLD

  2. Pingback: Funny Bitch Friday: Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes/Myths Retold | Oh Noa.

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