Donkey Lettuce

Man I love when I don’t have to change the titles of the myths i re-tell

so there’s a hunter
he’s clomping through the forest one day
when an old woman comes up to him like hey man
i’m real hungry
just tryna get a couple of dollars to go get a sammich or something
it’s not for booze I swear
and the hunter is like whatever
here’s all my money
you can spend it on booze, I don’t care
why are you trying to hit people up for money in this magical forest?
don’t you know there’s a perfectly good town like right over there?
and the old woman is like BECAUSE I AM A MAGIC HOBO
HEAR MY PROPHECY:
so a little ways further in the forest you’re gonna find a tree
and in the tree there will be a ton of birds
fighting over a cloak
what you need to do is shoot the birds
they will drop the cloak
and one will die
because
you know
bullets
you need to take the cloak, obviously
(it is a magic wishing cloak that makes you teleport)
but also
(and this is gonna sound a little crazy)
you also need to cut open the bird and swallow its heart whole
it will make gold coins appear under your pillow forever

in other words
this forest hobo is just like every other hobo the hunter has ever met
he just nods politely and excuses himself from the conversation as quickly as possible
but ten minutes later
GUESS WHAT??
BIRDS
FUCKIN’ MOUNTAINS OF EM
so the hunter is like ew
birds
(a totally appropriate response to birds)
and he shoots them
and they fly away, and drop a cloak
just like in zelda or something
and one bird dies
because
you know
BULLETS
and he is like fuck it
it’s already dead
might as well eat its heart
SO HE DOES

AND IT TURNS OUT THE WITCH WAS RIGHT
gold coins are showing up under this dude’s pillow every DAY
pretty soon he’s got a big pile of them
and he does what every young person with a stockpile of cash must one day do:
he moves out of his parents’ house and decides to backpack around europe

so he’s walking around
(not sure why he’s not teleporting around
seeing as he has a teleporting cloak
but as we will see
dude is none too bright)
and he’s in europe
AND this is a fairytale
which means castles are basically guaranteed to be EVERYWHERE all the time
so it’s all of ten minutes before he runs up on one
and there’s a hot chick in it
so he’s like SWEET

but remember, this is a fairytale
and one of the laws of fairytales
is that they must always maintain a 1 to 1 ratio
between hot chicks
and HORRIBLE WITCHES
this one happens to be hot chick’s mother
for double bad-times bonus
and she’s like hey
hot daughter
see that dude down there?
he’s got magic treasures
you gotta help me steal em with your feminine wiles
I used up all mine to get this castle
and the hot chick is like grr ok fine whatever MOM

so the hunter shows up
(notice i am still calling him a hunter
even though he is no longer hunting animals
or even in a forest
this is because he is now hunting the most dangerous game:
BOOTY)
and the lady is like hey man come inside
have this delicious food and also this syrup of ipecac
and the hunter is like Oh wow thanks so much pretty lady BLEEEEUUGGHHHHHHH
and he vomits all over the place
and since nobody seems to digest their food in fairytales
the bird’s heart is mixed in with all that vomit
and the dude passes out because of all the vomiting
and the witch picks up the heart and shoves it in her daughter’s face
like EAT THIS VOMITTY HEART
EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT
and the daughter is like ugh okay fine MOM

so now money is showing up under the girl’s pillow
but the hunter doesn’t even notice/care
because the girl’s bed is where he wants to be anyway
and meanwhile the witch is like okay
now we need to steal his cloak
and the daughter is like seriously?
we already took his vomitty bird heart
isn’t that enough?
and the witch is like NO

so long story short, the girl convinces the hunter to teleport her to DIAMOND MOUNTAIN
so they can go pick diamonds
but then she puts him to sleep or something
and steals his cloak and teleports home
LIKE A TOTAL TWANK

so the hunter wakes up
and some really stupid shit happens
the upshot of which is that he ends up getting carried to a vegetable garden by clouds
and he lands in the garden like aw damn
i just got MEGA jacked
and also I’m hungry
but there’s nothing to eat here
no meats or fruits
just some stupid VEGETABLES
but i mean if I have to choose between starving to death and eating vegetables
i guess i have to eat vegetables
I GUESS
(remember kids, eat your vegetables!
VEGETABLES:
better than starving!)

so he eats some lettuce
and WHAM
he turns into a donkey
which is a bummer
but since he’s already a donkey
and donkeys actually LIKE lettuce
he figures he’ll keep eating
and he eats until he finds a different kind of lettuce
which
BAM
turns him into a human again
so he’s like ho-ho-ho-holy shit
i have magic transmogrifying lettuce
I can make a fortune with this shit
hiding fugitives from the law
smuggling dope across the border inside of LITERAL COKE MULES
the possibilities are endless!
hmm
nope
gonna use it all on that witch and her mean daughter
(who i still want to bang actually)

so he stuffs his backpack full of salad
and goes back to the house
(in BLACKFACE, so they won’t recognize him)
and the witch is like who are you
and he’s like oh uh
I’M THE KING’S MESSENGER
YEAH
he sent me to find the world’s most delicious lettuce
and i found it
but i am worried that the hot sun will wilt its tender leaves
may I come in?
and the witch is like
only if you give me some lettuce
and the hunter is like
GLADLY

so he gives her the lettuce
and she goes to the kitchen to prepare it
and she can’t help trying some
and WHAM
she turns into a donkey
(I need a better sound effect for donkey transmogrification
but I can’t be bothered)
then the servant comes in and tries some lettuce
and KER-WHAM
she ALSO becomes donkified
then the hunter gives the lettuce to the daughter
and it turns out she’s immune to the donkey lettuce!
HAHA JUST KIDDING SHE TURNS INTO A DONKEY
then the hunter takes her and her household to a miller
who beats them every day until the witch dies

at this point the hunter feels a little bad
/still wants to bang that girl
so he has the miller bring the donkeys back
and he turns them back into humans
(especially the servant
who had NOTHING to do with this
and so got turned into a donkey and beaten with sticks
for like NO reason
oh well
i guess that’s what you get for working for witches)
and the daughter is like oh man thank you so much
I feel really bad about systematically screwing you over for profit
it was all my mom’s idea I swear
i actually love you a whole bunch
please don’t turn me into a donkey any more
i’ll do whatever you want
do you want your bird heart back?
look, i’ve got some ipecac right here
i’ll vomit it right up for you
right here in front of you

but the hunter is like no no no don’t worry about it
your fearful obedience is all the apology i require
anyway it doesn’t really matter which one of us has the bird heart
because we’re gonna get married
and thanks to our horrible system of laws, I will own you and all your money!
and so they get married
and the girl gets to keep wondering what freedom is like

so the moral of the story
is you should put EVERYTHING in your mouth
because it’s all magic
and if it’s bad magic
you can just keep putting stuff in your mouth until you find good magic
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “Donkey Lettuce

  1. I should find some lettuce which can turn me into a donkey. And vomitty hearts. Yes~ I’m actually quite surprised you haven’t done any Assyiran/Babylonian myths, because, BLOOD THIRSTY GOD AND ALL.

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