Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Who Don’t Know the Heimlich Maneuver

Okay, Queens

this story has at least two of them
no wait
three I think
whatever
the point is the first queen is really shitty at weaving
for one thing
she does it outside in the snow during winter
for another thing
she stabs the shit out of her finger on the spindle and starts bleeding everywhere
jesus guys
these spindles are a goddamn public menace
but yeah she sees all this blood all over the goddamn snow
and she’s like I WANT MY KID TO LOOK LIKE THAT
so BAM
she suddenly has a baby and then dies
AMBUSH PREGNANCY

but it’s okay
because this baby is SUPER HOT
her name is snow white
i guess in honor of her dumb mom’s dumb decisions
but then it’s not okay
because snow white’s dad decides to marry some wretched piece of shit stepmother
OF COURSE
and this skank bank is apparently all about being super pretty
in fact she is so all about it that she has this fucked up mirror that can talk
and i guess keeps an eye on where all the hot chicks are at
so that every night she can stand in front of the mirror like YO
MIRROR MIRROR
MADE OF GLASS
WHO IS THE CHOICEST PIECE OF ASS
and the mirror is like
IT’S YOU OKAY
LEAVE ME ALONE
seriously the mirror does not manage to bust a single rhyme in this whole story
but so this goes on for quite a while
seven years actually
until one day the stepmother rolls in like
MIRROR MIRROR
IN MY ROOM
WHO HAS ALL THE VA VA VOOM
and the mirror is like
WELL I MEAN YOU’RE PRETTY HOT AND EVERYTHING
BUT I AM ACTUALLY KIND OF INTO YOUR SEVEN YEAR OLD STEPDAUGHTER
and the stepmother is like WHAT
STUPID PEDOPHILE MIRROR
NOW I GOTTA MURDER MY STEPDAUGHTER
but she doesn’t want to get blood all over her new manicure
so actually she hires an extremely unreliable woodcutter to do it
presumably because he has an axe already so that’s one less thing to think about

so the woodcutter takes snow white out into the woods
and then he’s like hold still let me murder you
and she’s like WAAH NO COME ON
and he’s like well you are pretty hot
how about i let you run away and get eaten by wolves instead
and snow white is like sounds good
and off she goes
and then while the woodcutter is standing there
a boar just comes charging out of fucking nowhere
and the wood guy proceeds to cut its fucking face off
then tear out its lungs and liver
SERIOUSLY I AM NOT MAKING THAT PART UP
THE WOODCUTTER: DEFINITELY THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS CARNIVAL OF FAILURE

but so the woodcutter brings the lungs and liver back to the queen
all like here is some proof i killed that chick
and also that i am manly enough to rip out someone’s fucking lungs
and the queen is like MM LUNGS MY FAVORITE
and proceeds to STEW AND EAT THEM
THINKING THAT THEY ARE THE LUNGS OF A SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD
WHAT THE FUCK LADY
JUST WHAT THE FUCK

meanwhile snow white is wandering through the woods
you know
starving to death
when all of a sudden she finds a house
which as we know
is ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN
so she runs inside
and she finds seven tiny plates on a tiny table
and seven tiny chairs
and seven tiny beds
so she’s like hm
i heard about that dumb bitch goldilocks
but these plates are way too small to belong to bears
whoever owns this house
i can totally take them
so she eats all the food
then sleeps in all the beds
and finally
once she’s 100% passed the fuck out
some dwarves show up
seven dwarves to be exact
and they are like what the fuck where is our food
why did we leave it out on the table when we were going to be out mining all day
why is there some chick sleeping in all our beds
maybe we should murder her
no wait she’s too hot to murder
fuck
i guess we’re all sleeping together tonight

so the dwarves all pile up in one bed while snow white sprawls over the rest of them
and then in the morning she wakes up like HOLY SHIT DWARVES
and the dwarves are like don’t make any sudden moves
we have pickaxes
the only reason we’re not fucking you to death right now is you are seven years old
also not made of gold
but we came up with a plan while we were spooning last night
which is how about you clean our house and make all our meals
and in exchange
uh
you can sleep here or whatever
and Snow White is like sounds great!
so that is what they do

but meanwhile
Bitchingstein don Crunk is back in her castle
yelling at her reflection
all like MIRROR MIRROR
OH SO SHINY
WHAT’S THE RANKING OF MY HINEY
and the mirror is like UH
PRETTY SURE WE ALREADY WENT OVER THIS
YOUR STEPDAUGHTER IS ACTUALLY STARTING TO FILL OUT
AND LET ME TELL YOU
WOW
and the queen is like AAAAAAAAAA NOW I GOTTA MURDER THAT HO AGAIN
so she comes up with a brilliant plan
which is to disguise herself as a poor person
and hike all the way to the dwarves’ place
(the mirror has gps by the way)
and then when the dwarves are out mining gold and then fucking it
she comes up to the door like OY
IS ANYONE IN THERE
I AM SELLING REALLY PRETTY CORSETS
and snow white is like CORSETS
SIGN ME UP
and she lets the queen in and the queen is like here
let me put this one on for you
and then she pulls it SO TIGHT that all snow white’s organs shoot into her brain
and she passes out
and the queen is like HAHAHAHA I WIN
and leaves
and then of course the dwarves come home and take off the corset and she’s fine
and they’re like hey so Snow White
you might want to stop opening the door to sketchy strangers
and Snow White is like yeah i guess you’re right

so MEANWHILE
Bitches Oshaugnessy is back at her castle
staring at her fucking skeezy stalker mirror
all like MIRROR MIRROR
SO LEGIT
DO I HAVE THE NICEST TITS?
and the mirror is like WELL
YOUR TITS ARE PRETTY NICE
BUT I AM REALLY A LOT MORE INTO THE TITS OF YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO GO KILL HER
BUT I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T
BECAUSE THEN WHO WOULD I STARE AT IN THE SHOWER
YOU?
PSH
YOU’RE OLD
and the queen is like FUCK EVERYTHING
I NEED TO KILL THAT LITTLE TWANK ONCE AND FOR ALL
so she comes up with the perfect plan:
make a poison comb
disguise herself as THE SAME OLD WOMAN
and then hike back to dwarfhaus

so she knocks on the door
and Snow White is like hey so i’m not really supposed to let you in anymore
and the queen is like yeah i understand that
but hey look at this shiny comb
and Snow White is like DO COME IN
COMB THE SHIT OUT OF MY HAIR
and then the queen combs Snow White’s hair and Snow White dies
BUT LUCKILY HERE COME THE DWARVES
they take the comb out of her hair
and she comes back to life
because apparently that is how poison works
and they’re like hey uh
Snow White?
remember how we suggested you might want to not let people into the house
because they might be trying to kill you?
remember how it already happened once
and it just happened again?
maybe you should try being just a little more careful?
and Snow White is like yeah yeah for sure no problem

MEANWHILE
back at the castle
the queen is in front of her mirror
doing her evening striptease/ego trip
MIRROR MIRROR
IN A FRAME
FOR WHOSE VAGINA DO MEN AIM
and the mirror is like IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION
LOOK I TOLD YOU
I’M INTO YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
EVERYONE IS INTO YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
SHE’S LIKE AT LEAST TWELVE NOW
TOTALLY BANGABLE
I WISH THIS MIRROR HAD A PENIS ON IT
I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL HER OR SOMETHING
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?
and the stepmother is like RRRRRRRR
IT’S PEANUT BUTTER MURDER TIME
and she goes into her evil laboratory
and she mixes up some ULTRAPOISON
and she uses it to make an ULTRAPOISONOUS APPLE
and then she dresses up as the SAME FUCKING HAG
and makes the SAME FUCKING TREK
to the SAME FUCKING HOUSE with Snow White in it

so she rolls up to the door
and Snow White is like no way jose
the dwarves said I’m definitely not supposed to let anybody inside
plus i think you already tried to murder me two times
or at least prank me
but if you were just trying to prank me those were not very good pranks
they were less like pranks and more like attempted murder
and the queen is like WELL I GUESS I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EAT THIS DELICIOUS APPLE
ALL
BY
MYSELF
and Snow White is like NO WAIT
GIVE ME HALF
and the queen is like SURE
but the trick is
SHE ONLY POISONED THAT HALF OF THE APPLE
so she eats her half and she’s fine
but snow white eats her half
LIKE AN IDIOT
and FUCKING DIES
AGAIN
at which point the queen runs back to her mirror
all like MIRROR MIRROR
I HAVE A GUN
TELL ME I’M THE FAIREST ONE
and the mirror is like SHIT MAN FINE
YOU’RE THE HOTTEST THING SINCE LAVA BURLESQUE
BE COOL BE COOL

so then the dwarves arrive like hey snow white do you have our dinner AWW MAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
AGAIN?
AGAIN WITH THIS SHIT?
BOY I GUESS THE PRETTY SUCKED THE SMART RIGHT OUT OF HER HEAD HUH?
I MEAN SERIOUSLY
HOW MANY TIMES DID WE WARN HER ABOUT THIS SHIT
HOW MANY TIMES?
NOW WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO COOK US DINNER
COME ON BITCH WAKE UP
but it’s no use
she’s not waking up this time
she ate a poison apple
she is dead for real
so they decide they have to have a funeral
but at the same time
they also decide that she is too sexy to bury
so they make her a glass coffin
and they keep it above ground on top of a hill
presumably waiting for the sun to team up with some maggots and explode her body
but guess what
THAT NEVER HAPPENS
it never happens for so long that guess who shows up
TIME’S UP
A FUCKING PRINCE SHOWS UP
he’s just wandering through the woods
like princes do
when he’s like WHOA THERE
A PERFECTLY PRESERVED HOT CHICK IN A GLASS COFFIN
WHO’S BEEN READING MY FETISH NOTEBOOK?
and he rolls into the dwarves’ place like sup guys
can i take your sexy coffin lady?
and they’re like sure whatever
so he starts trying to drag the coffin away
but WHAT DO YOU KNOW
LOOKS LIKE HE IS SHITTY AT CARRYING THINGS
because he drops the coffin and it falls all over everything
glass explodes everywhere
everyone is bleeding and it’s great
it’s like one of those timeless comedy sequences
where they knock gramma’s ashes off the mantlepiece
only grandma’s ashes are a hot chick
but guess what guys
apparently this hilarious fall
manages to dislodge the apple core
which was apparently blocking Snow White’s windpipe FOR SEVERAL YEARS
wait hold on
was this apple even actually poisoned?
or was it just a regular apple
and the queen figured snow white was too dumb to eat it right?
jury’s still out
and nope
the prince does not wake snow white up by kissing her
he wakes her up by failing
but that doesn’t stop these two idiots from getting married
nor does it stop them from inviting snow white’s bitch of a stepmother to the wedding
and the stepmother gets the invitation
and she’s like should i go
it might be awkward
seeing as I tried to kill this chick four times
and one of those times I ACTUALLY SUCCEEDED
but whatever
a party’s a party
so she shows up
and everyone’s like SURPRISE
WE MADE YOU SOME SHOES OUT OF BURNING HOT IRON
PUT THEM ON AND DANCE UNTIL YOU DIE
and so that happens and everyone is very pleased with themselves forever

so the moral of the story
is if you are trying to kill someone
don’t mess around with this apple bullshit
use a knife
or i guess molten hot dance shoes

THE END

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21 thoughts on “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Who Don’t Know the Heimlich Maneuver

  1. You have to admire the woman's dedication to her hatred of practical murder attempts.
    Most would give up after 1 or 2, but she keeps going with her zany schemes… she's like an honorary bond villain :)

  2. I'd wear a "Mirror Mirror/I have a gun/tell me I'm the fairest one" shirt myself…

    Also this was beautiful. I need to stop reading these on the bus, people think I'm crazy.

  3. So this chick reads this blog
    and she is all like
    HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME
    and she recommends it to all her twitter pals

    you're welcome
    keep up the good work

    N23

  4. Neil Gaiman wrote a version of this one where Snow White is actually this bisexual vampiress who sucks dudes' blood whenever she sleeps with them, and her stepmother fucked her, then tried to kill her in order to save pretty much everyone but some horny asshole woke her up by RAPING HER WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP and Snow White thanks him by sucking his blood out and then killing her stepmom.

    So the moral of that story is…if you kill a horny vampire, make sure they stay dead, maybe?

  5. Did the evil queen eat Not!Snow White's organs to gain her powers of hotness or something? Because that would make some sense.

  6. I second "Mirror Mirror/I have a gun/tell me I'm the fairest one" for the next tee. Unfortunately it only really has appeal for the lady readers. D:

  7. It has plenty of merit for either gender damnit.
    Are you telling me no males would find it appropriate to have such a clever line on their chests? Would they not want people to tell them how fetching they look?
    Take your rigid gender roles somewhere else.

    Ovid. If you made that shirt, I would buy the shit out of it.

  8. I read
    MIRROR MIRROR
    I HAVE A GUN
    TELL ME I'M THE FAIREST ONE
    out loud to my DH and made him laugh.

    CafePress or one of those services, maybe?

  9. Can there please be a shirt that says
    PEANUT BUTTER MURDER TIME, because seriously. That would be some pretty legit stuff right there. Best line.

  10. Definitely PBMT shirt. The Banana should be behind a DO NOT CROSS – POLICE line and have a knife sticking out of his back.

  11. I would ABSOLUTELY buy a Peanut Butter Murder Time shirt. Also, I think this is my favorite entry so far on this site. I'm only on the first read-through but I am in TEARS.

  12. Dude, I have to ask: do you read Homestuck? Because this stuff sounds like you ate Homestuck and a book of fairytales and had some kind of mutant stomach baby.

  13. Pingback: Donkey Lettuce | Myths RETOLD

  14. Oh my god, there were so many brilliant lines, if I’d start copying the bits I loved, the whole fairytale would be written here…
    Amazing. I absolutely loved it!

    But the mirror does not rhyme? Because in the German version, only its first sentence doesn’t rhyme and the the others do. Like
    “Frau Königin, Ihr seid die Schönste hier,
    Aber Schneewittchen ist tausendmal schöner als Ihr.”
    or
    “Frau Königin, Ihr seid die Schönste hier,
    Aber Schneewittchen über den Bergen
    Bei den sieben Zwergen
    Ist noch tausendmal schöner als Ihr.”
    See? It even got that badass embracing rhyme! German mirrors rock!

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