Don’t fuck with Artemis

So here’s a short one

I think i mentioned this broad Artemis before
she’s the one who is dedicated to not ever having sexy times
but there are some facts you might not know about her
first of all she is the only goddess with a mother apparently
like Aphrodite came out of dickfoam mixed with seawater
and Athena sprung fully formed from the mind of zeus
but Artemis is the result
of this chick Leto getting banged mercilessly by zeus
so of course Hera found out about this
and tried to kill Leto
and made it illegal for anyone to give her shelter
so finally Leto (aka Latona) ends up on the isle of Delos
and gives birth to twins
the first twin she pops out
is Artemis
and Artemis is immediately like
holy shit mom are you ok?
here let me help you with your childbirth
and midwifes the fuck out of the entire situation right there
at age zero
that is the kind of person she is
her brother is Apollo, lord of the sun
and Artemis gets stuck with the moon
and hunting
and she volunteers to be in charge of childbirth too
or at least easing the pain of childbirth
cause see
she gets so turned off the idea by watching her mom push out apollo
she decides to never have sex ever
also sometimes instead of using her arrows to kill animals
she uses them to ease women’s pain during childbirth
or you know
just kill them during childbirth
so anyway years go by
and this dude Orion gets born
Orion is king shit of all hunters
running around murdering animals and putting them in his mouth
now people have different ideas of what Orion did to piss off Artemis
but everyone agrees that he fucked up
some people say he tries to rape Artemis
which is a big no-no
some people say he wakes up one day
and decides:
welp,
I’m going to kill EVERY ANIMAL IN THE WORLD TODAY
and Artemis gets pissed off because like
what the fuck is she gonna be the goddess of if that happens
and some OTHER PEOPLE say
that Apollo just gets jealous cause Artemis falls in love with Orion
and one day he and Artemis are hanging out
and he sees Orion swimming way out at sea
and is like hey
hey Artemis
bet you can’t hit that floating object out there with your arrows
and Artemis is like YOU’RE ON
and kills Orion totally by accident
Well whatever happens, Orion dies
and then later, Artemis feels pretty bad
because like
he WAS a pretty good hunter
and kind of cute
so she is like sorry dude
here
let me make you into a constellation
and the moral of the story
is either raping is bad
killing all the animals is bad
or swimming in deep water is bad
depending on who you ask
but no matter what
it’s okay
because if you make the gods feel bad enough about it
they will turn you into stars
all is forgiven

The End

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4 thoughts on “Don’t fuck with Artemis

  1. I thought Athena was the daughter of the goddess Thetis and Zeus? Zeus heard that Thetis' son would be greater than he. He couldn't have that. So he tricked her into changing into a fly and he ate her, and a short time later, out pops Athena out of Zeus' head.

  2. Zeus did eat his first wife and child and Athena was cut out of his head by some god of blacksmiths or volcanos or something…

  3. Pingback: Extremely bad taste humor that is not at all required! | PPCC World Mythology

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