Durga = Voltron

Okay so check it out

back in india land back in the day
there was this bigass demon called Mahish
he is a buffalo demon
which is apparently a pretty potent kind of demon
because he is invincible
and he has an army of like a million other demons
I had no idea
although I guess that explains why buffalo wings are SO GODDAMN delicious

but so all the gods are pretty upset about this
because you gotta understand guys
demons are to the hindu gods
as giants are to the norse
they simply cannot abide all these demons up in here
it is like how you feel when you have ants in your house
except the ants are as big as you and they shoot fire out of their eyes
it is actually pretty easy to sympathize with these hindu gods

but so like I said Mahish is impossible to kill
so the gods are like oh shit what do we do
and then Shiva is like whoa whoa whoa i have a great idea
how about we all put our heads together and beat this thing
and the other gods are like that’s what we’re doing already
and shiva is like no dude
like actually put our heads together
like cut our heads off and fucking glue them to each other
make a big boomerang out of heads
and just throw it at him and we can yell insults at the same time
and everyone is like okay
while that sounds like a great idea
maybe we should try to use parts of our bodies other than our heads
so what they do
is they take six of Vishnu’s arms
glue them to two of Brahma’s feet
and staple that octo-nonsense to SHIVA’S FACE
and the resulting Megazord of Ultimate Badassery
is named Durga
which means
INVINCIBLE

so durga floats on down from space
or wherever it is that gods live
let’s call it space
and she lands right in front of Bison Oshaugnessy
and his army of demon hipster chicks
and she’s like hey Bison
what’s good
you should take stock now of what is good
because soon
nothing will be good
nothing at all
and the Bison is like OH YEAH?
BITCH I AM INVINCIBLE
HAVEN’T YOU HEARD
I AM SO INVINCIBLE
THAT I WENT TO A COMEDY CLUB
TALKED FOR THIRTY MINUTES ABOUT MY CAT
AND I COULDN’T EVEN DIE ON STAGE
and durga is like uh
you keep tootin’ your demon horn over there bison buddy
I’m gonna go grab a glass of milk and you can call me when you’re done
oh are you done?
okay well uh
BITCH YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ACTIVATE THE NEURONS
NECESSARY TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR LEG-MUSCLES
THAT THEY MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER
THE PREPARATORY STAGES
OF ATTEMPTING
TO STEP TO ME
OH LOOK AT YOU
ALL INVINCIBLE AND SHIT
SON WHILE YOU WERE BUSY APPENDING INVINCIBILITY TO YOURSELF AS A FUCKING ADJECTIVE
I WENT AHEAD AND MADE IT A PROPER NOUN
AND THEN USED IT AS MY
GOD
DAMN
NAME
WHAT NOW
COME ON
WHAT
and Mahish doesn’t say shit
because just looking at all of durga’s arms gave him an aneurism and he died

so the moral of the story
is that two heads are better than one
especially when those two heads are welded to a whole bunch of pissed-off arms

The end.

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6 thoughts on “Durga = Voltron

  1. Pingback: King Muchukunda Knows How To Get His Nap On | Myths RETOLD

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