so there’s a rumor going around about this book I am writing.
Well here’s the deal guys:
Because of the way publishers work
(which you should not ask me to explain, because I do not know)
My book is not going to be coming out until NEXT MARCH
so you are going to have to sit tight and try not to forget I exist
FOR LIKE A YEAR
which is bullshit, I know
but sometimes life is bullshit
sometimes it isn’t, though
sometimes it is hilarious and filled with rad explosions
like for example in this hindu story:
So fertility potions, right?
We’ve all heard of them
mostly while perusing our spam folders
but did you know
that shit is for CHICKS ONLY?
Yeah, dudes are not supposed to drink that stuff
firstname.lastname@example.org was lying to you.
Perhaps I should explain.
See back in ancient hindu times
this random dude gets the Brahmin to make a fertility potion for his wife
but then he gets thirsty/amnesia and just drinks it himself
and gets PREGNANT
and then has to have THE MOST BRUTAL C-SECTION.
it’s not pretty.
But what IS pretty
is the son what gets birthed out his meathole.
This son is named King Muchukunda
because even before he is smart enough to stop shitting himself constantly
this dude is A-1 king material
the prevailing theory being
that there was no sissy vagina to wussify this baby out
which honestly I think is pretty sexist.
true to form, it is not long before Muchukunda is king
and he is SUCH A GOOD KING
that the gods at one point get fed up with their constant war against demons
and they’re like “Hey Muchukunda
solve this for us?”
if you are ever in a position where gods hit you up for advice
i feel like you have either won the universe
or found a universe with really weaksauce gods.
Maybe the two go hand in hand.
the point is, Muchukunda solves the demon problem permanently and with the greatest of ease
so then the gods are like “Damn, dude
you just killed all the demons.
That’s more we could do in ALL OF OUR INFINITE LIFESPANS
HOW ABOUT SOME BOONS FOR THIS KING OVER HERE.
WHAT KIND OF BOONS WOULD YOU LIKE?
MEGABOONS, OR ULTRABOONS?”
and Muchukunda is like “Well actually
I’m pretty tired after solving all your problems.
I think I just want to go take a nap
AND ANYONE WHO WAKES ME UP GETS SET ON FIRE BECAUSE I WILL HAVE HEAT VISION.”
And all the gods are like “Okay, yeah, that sounds fair.”
So they put Muchukunda to sleep
and they give him heat vision and bury him under a mountain.
They don’t even pull a dick move and put him in the middle of like
a busy intersection or something
where he would constantly be getting woke up and setting dudes on fire
even though that would be hilarious
because these are GODS
not some bullshit genies.
So years and years and megayears pass
and Muchukunda is STILL asleep
and meanwhile that big hunk of ultragod, Vishnu
manages to get himself incarnated as this little rascal named Krishna
and since Krishna is basically just some dude-shaped godsauce
he has no problem becoming king of most of the things that are nearby
nearby the KNOWN WORLD, that is.
Anyway, shit is pretty sweet
(not literal shit
although maybe yes
they SAY Krishna’s kingdom was a utopia
although I don’t know if I’d EVER want to eat shit
even in a utopia
ESPECIALLY in a utopia.)
until suddenly a barbarian shows up
and Krishna could just crush him with god powers
except instead he decides to be a rapscallion about it
and lure the dude into a cave
and then hide
and the cave he picks
happens to be where MUCHUKUNDA IS SLEEPING
so the barbarian lord busts into the cave and he’s like HA HA
THOUGHT YOU COULD DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A SLEEPING DUDE, DID YOU?
THAT IS SO STUPID I SHOULDN’T EVEN CONSIDER IT AS AN OPTION.
OH WELL, TIME TO WAKE YOU UP WITH MY SWORD.
So he does
and then Muchukunda incinerates him with his heat vision
and then he turns around to incinerate Krishna
because really it’s all Krishna’s fault
but then he realizes who Krishna is
and he’s like oh man
I almost made a BIIIIG mistake
i guess I better go outside and see what the world is like, huh?
so he does
but it turns out everyone just got real short
and he gets tired of bumping his head on doorways
so he moves to the mountains and becomes a sage
and probably takes many more successful naps.
so the moral of the story
is you need to get off your ass.
you can sleep when the gods grant you a boon after you destroy ALL THE DEMONS.