Since I seem to be on this Yoruba kick
I figure now is a good time
for me to go back to one of my favorite gods:
well, technically my favorite god is Legba
cigar smoking roadmaster with a dick bigger than most public works projects
and Eshu and probably Hermes for that matter
are all basically the same person
just a fast-moving jerk clown swinging more dick than a playground full of private detectives.
Still, just to be safe
(and because I figure he gets a kick out of being called different names)
he’s gonna be Elegua today.
This is actually a story from back in the day
when Elegua was a little kid, and hadn’t done shit yet.
Most of the other orisha (that’s Yoruba for “gods”) think he’s just a punk
and for good reason
the old-timey Orisha have real shit to deal with
like Obatala has just created the whole world and people and everything
and he’s not even the most important dude!
The most important dude is Olofi
who doesn’t even bother with that “human beings” nonsense
and just sticks to granting all the other orisha their powers
and since the orisha
like most gods
mainly use their powers to maim each other and steal each others’ wives
it’s a thankless, tiring job
so tiring, that Olofi comes down with a cold
and when the ruler of the universe comes down with a cold
he comes down harder than the kool-aid man falling down a flight of stairs
(I don’t know why I specifically picked the kool-aid man
maybe because in addition to falling really hard and loud
with a lot of “Ohhh nooooo” and whatnot
there’s also a ton of broken glass
and delicious kool-aid everywhere
that you can’t even drink because of the broken glass
plus your floor is covered in shag carpet
so you’d have to suck it out of the carpet fibers
which sort of taste like dust and dog pee
and also it sort of looks like blood.
You are going to have a lot of explaining to do
why did you invite him to your house and let him get so drunk
this is on you, bro.)
So all the other gods recognize that this is a big deal
if Olofi stops doing his job
their powers are gonna go away
and if their powers go away
how are they going to dick around effectively?
So everybody shows up at Olofi’s place
and he’s like “Guys i’m actually pretty sick
I really just want to sleep a bit
maybe eat some soup and watch netflix
maybe you can come back later when I’m feeling better”
and everyone is like “NOOOOO
YOU FEEL BETTER NOWWWWW.”
and then they wipe him with magic white cloths
and rub herbs on his body
and clean him with their staffs
and he’s like “Guys I don’t need to be cleaned
I just need some bed rest and lots of fluids”
and the gods are like “NOOOOOO
YOU GET BETTER WITH MAGIC.”
and Olofi’s like “O…Okay.”
Now the whole time this is happening
Elegua is all like “Guys
guys, can I try?”
and everyone is like “No
piss off, shortpants.”
but everyone keeps right on failing
so finally Elegua asks Obatala if he can help
(who has a very low standard when it comes to on-the-job competence)
is like “Sure, kid, do your thing
what could go wrong?”
Proving how little everyone knows about Elegua at this point.
So Elegua goes up to Olofi
and sits on his lap.
This is already inappropriate, and everyone notices.
Then he stuffs some mysterious herbs in Olofi’s mouth
grabs his jaw
and forces him to chew and swallow them.
This is even more inappropriate
but I guess he wants to max out his inappropriate meter
so he can do some kind of Ultimate Faux Pas Limit Break
because then he busts out a feather
and starts tickling Olofi all over
and everyone is like “Alright Elegua
we know we were all basically just doing random shit
and hoping it would work
but you don’t need to be a dick about it.”
Olofi’s chest starts fucking GLOWING
and Olofi is like “YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW
HOLY SHIT I FEEL GREAT
THAT MOUTHFUL OF SUSPICIOUS LEAVES WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED
TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK MOTHERFUCKERS
BOONS FOR EVERYBODY.
ELEGUA, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS SHIT?”
And Elegua is like “What, those leaves?
I just found those in the woods.
Not even really sure what they are.”
and Olofi is like “I WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE:
YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON
FROM NOW ON YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL MAILMAN FOR THE ORISHA
NO MESSAGES GET ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL
AND EVERYONE HAS TO GIVE YOU FOOD
OR ELSE YOU CAN TOTALLY FAIL TO DELIVER THEIR LETTERS
I AM STRAIGHT UP GIVING YOU A DANGEROUS MONOPOLY
ON THIS KEY PART OF OUR INFRASTRUCTURE.”
and Elegua is like “Wow, cool
it’s a good thing I’m not recklessly irresponsible huh?”
So the moral of the story
is that being a drug dealer is a lucrative career path
but being your BOSS’S drug dealer?
you can’t put a price on that.