Freyr Cocks It All Up

Feeling kinda sentimental today guys
so i’m just going to say
that I deeply appreciate y’all showing up here all the time
and assisting me in my project of mythological self-education
I started this thing as an excuse to learn a bunch of myths
like the way Neil Gaiman does, or other literary heroes
and then to shout said myths real loud into the internet
and you guys are largely responsible for the continued success of this project
so yeah, thanks

ANYWAY let’s talk about some really huge mistakes a guy made

What guy, you ask?
I will give you a hint:
HIS NAME IS IN THE TITLE OF THE POST
and to say he cocks it all up
really does not do justice to the sheer baby-in-a-blender incompetence
displayed by Freyr in this tale

so one day Freyr is out dicking around
the way you do when you’re a god
like really
what else are you gonna do?
none of these people seem to have jobs
basically it seems like the universe is run by a bunch of fucking trust fund babies
which really, now that I think about it, explains a lot

SO HE’S DICKING AROUND
and he sees a hot chick named Gerðr
I am not sure how he sees her
seeing as she lives all the way in Jotunheim
and I don’t know how she’s a hot chick
since her mom, Angrboda
is also responsible for birthing a giant wolf, a giant snake, and HELL
but somehow a bunch of improbable circumstances line up here
and he catches her in a really flattering light or something
and that light flatters Gerðr SO HARD
that it sends Freyr into a love coma

now, you know how it is when your friend is in a love coma
how it is
is that you cannot think of anything
except how much you wish your friend would stop being in a fucking love coma
so to that end, the gods get together
and they convince Freyr’s servant Skirnir
to go find out why his boss is being an emo bitch right now
and that’s what Skirnir does.

So Skirnir’s like Yo Freyr how’s it hangin
and Freyr is like DROOPY AS SHIT, MY FRIEND
I am trying to get all up on this chick Gerðr
but the problem is that I’m a huge pussy and I don’t know how to talk to girls
bro
will you be my wingman, bro?
and Skirnir’s like YES

Here’s the problem, though
Skirnir
is
A BASTARD
he’s like Oh man I’ll totally get you laid, dude
but first you have to hook me up with sweet loot
give me your magic sword, and I will deliver the tits

FOOTNOTE:
FREYR’S SWORD IS SOME SERIOUS MOJO
it is a sword that fights ALL BY ITSELF
seriously, you don’t even need to be there
you could go away
get a sandwich
come back, hey
more murders happened!
Honestly I don’t know why everyone doesn’t just get these
but if only one person is gonna have one
I guess it makes sense that it would be Freyr
because if you are too much of a pussnexus to talk to girls
chances are that you are also not too good at single combat
because nothing more closely resembles dating
than single combat
maybe that’s just me
maybe not everyone you’ve ever dated has brought landmines to the first date
if so then you can just disregard this aside
and go on with your PERFECT FUCKING LIFE.
BACK TO THE STORY AT HAND:

So Freyr agrees to these shitty terms
which is probably a good thing overall
because the sword only works if you’re wise
and any dude who would trade away a magic sword for boobs is definitely not that
and then Skimir goes away
and uses even more skeezy bargaining powers to convince Gerðr that this is a good idea
like, despite the fact that the dude who is apparently so into her
doesn’t even give enough fucks to show up himself
and then Gerðr and Freyr get married
and they live happily ever after
until ragnarok comes and Freyr dies because he doesn’t have a sword
man, I really wish there was an effective way to slowclap on the internet.

So the moral of the story
is that everyone is already knows
about bros before hos
but even more importantly in the long run
broadswords before broads.

THE END.

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10 thoughts on “Freyr Cocks It All Up

  1. Glad to see you back, and I’m ALWAYS elated to come to this website and see another Norse myth (those guys are the best), and I read this website to teach me myths (then I doodle them in my spare time), it’s nice to know it’s.. educational…

  2. SO, ANOTHER NORSE MYTH EH?

    So, so boss, man. Like, you have no idea.

    Speaking of Loki, have you done the Hel story yet? I hear Loki gets pregnant. AGAIN. Fun. Seriously, he must love doing this stuff.

    *Shudder*

  3. Atucally, Gerd’s mom is Aurboda, not Angrboda. Yes, Norse female names suck.

    And alo you didn’;t mention how apparently Freyr killed her brother or something so Skirnir had to threaten her and her parents until she finally said yes.

    And then, you know. Love.

  4. Pingback: August for Frey – Day 4 | Being the Hermit

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