Eshu Elegba gives Zeus a run for his money

Still occupying chicago
Still haven’t made that video
It’s in the works though
just be patient
you guys would probably be really amused
if i told you how i got this bible I’m reading
BUT THAT IS NOT THE STORY I’M TELLING
THE STORY I’M TELLING IS ANOTHER STORY ABOUT PROFESSIONAL CLEVERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE
ESHU ELEGBA
(by the way guys I am seriously fiending for some myth suggestions
so please suggest me some myths)

So let me tell you some facts about Eshu Elegba’s dick
FACT ONE:
Eshu Elegba’s dick has been at times referred to as
“The mythic humanizer of sex”
which was coincidentally also my nickname in college
FACT TWO:
there is a poem about Eshu Elegba’s dick that goes something like this:
ESHU’S PENIS IS HUGE
ONE TIME HE USED IT TO MAKE A BRIDGE
BUT IT BROKE IN HALF
ALL THE TRAVELERS DROWNED
my question here
is whose bright idea was it do walk across a giant dick bridge in the first place
BUT ANYWAY

having a large penis is not all fun and games guys
because it also leads to UNRULY BONERS GOING OFF ALL THE TIME
decapitating seagulls
skewering the international space station
let me give you an example:

so Eshu is traveling with his bro and his sis
they are pretending to be some wandering minstrels in a funeral procession
and they come across three chicks
who they proceed to murder
FOR NO REASON
okay
so far this sounds pretty reasonable
but so then what Eshu does
is he sneaks off with the corpses
has sex with them
has sex with his mother in law
then tops off this quadruple-decker sex sundae by having sex with a local princess
this princess is the daughter of king Metonofi
whose entire kingdom is completely impotent
because earlier Eshu flew over with a crop duster full of dick-don’t-work spray
and the king gets so fucking excited when he learns his daughter is pregnant
he is like ESHU
GREAT WORK
AS A REWARD
HOW ABOUT PICK SOMEONE AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM
IT CAN BE ANYONE
and Eshu is like duh
what do you think I’ve been doing
honestly I am not even that jazzed about the idea of spending valuable sex time
deciding on someone to have sex with
how about i just go back to fucking everything everywhere
in reverse alphabetical order
and the king is like okay well fair enough
how about I also declare you to be the intermediary between worlds?
and Eshu is like okay sounds fair
does that job involve any actual work though?
I predict that I will be pretty busy having sex basically all the time forever
so I hope it doesn’t involve any work
and the king is like oh Eshu you so crazy
thanks for knocking up my daughter
and Eshu is like who did what now?
nevermind I see something vaguely hole-shaped over there I’m gonna investigate

so the moral of the story
is if you find that you’ve killed someone
the safest course of action is to just fuck everyone in a twelve mile radius
you might even get sweet prizes

THE END.

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11 thoughts on “Eshu Elegba gives Zeus a run for his money

  1. Eshu Elegba is one of our truly great early porn stars. If you want suggestions, how about some Canterbury Tales? There are about thirty of them,some are already raunchy, some have the usual medieval romance weirdness, and all of them are fun in some way.

  2. I'd love to see you take on some Hawaiian myths, like Hina escaping her asshole husband, or the origins of the humuhumunukunukuapuaa.

  3. More Irish myths plz! How about the Toraiocht Dhiarmada agus Grainne, where Diarmad kills all those guys with his mad barrel-dancing skills?

  4. Try some Slavic myths, like Perun and Veles. In short, it's lethal shapeshifting hide-and-seek with a massive dick move at the end, and maybe it started because someone stole someone else's cows? Who even knows, it's not like gods need reasons to do things.

  5. I'm pretty sure there are a couple of korean myths running around that you could try
    lot of them are about animals
    talking animals

  6. Could you do Mormon myths, or Scientologist myths? Or would that get the hell sued out of you?
    Also I haven't read your whole catalog, but have you done Aztec myths? Seems like they would have come up with some fucked up stories.

  7. Ovid,

    You are made of awesome and sprinkled with awesome sauce.

    How 'bout a Chicano myth? La Llorna/La Malinche? It's got Hernando Cortez and Dona Malinche, sex, betrayal, infanticide, AND a weeping ghost.

    Peace unto you,
    Californaininkansas

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