Eshu Elegba: Okay, This is Getting Kind of Freaky

Here’s a short one, cause I gotta get downtown and join this shit
(there is probably one in your neighborhood too
so if you feel like shit’s fucked up and you wanna do something about it
maybe give this a shot)

anyway you guys already know who Eshu is

he’s that big dick with the psychedelic hat
but i don’t think you realize how literal the “big dick” part of that description is
see one day Eshu decides he’s going to get him some prophecies
so what he does is he climbs this big palm tree
and on top of the tree sits this chick named Gbadu
she is the PERSONIFICATION OF DIVINATION
and she has SIXTEEN EYES
and they are all closed
to everything except THE FUTURE
which is a really inefficient use of sixteen eyes if you ask me but whatever
so basically what Eshu does is he gets a handful of palm nuts
and uses them as a pattern
which he then uses to open all sixteen of Gbadu’s eyes in sequence
which i guess teaches him something about the future
but is that enough for Eshu?
Of course not
he’s sitting up on top of a palm tree with a hot psychic lady
and ALL HER EYES ARE CLOSED
so what does he do?
he sexes the bajeezus out of her is what he does
then he climbs down the tree and sexes the bajeezus out of her daughter
So obviously this pisses off Gbadu a whole lot
so she calls the god police
which is actually this chick Mawu-Lisa
and Mawu Lisa is like HEY ESHU
HAVE YOU BEEN SEXING ALL THE WEIRD PSYCHIC CHICKS?
and Eshu is like nuh uh not me
and Mawu-Lisa is like TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS
and Eshu is like oh sweet bout to get some more sex
(i guess totally forgetting that Mawu-Lisa is his MOM)
and he drops his pants
and SPROING
HERE COMES ESHU’S RAMPANT DONG
PLOWING WHOLE FIELDS AND COCKSLAPPING TOWNSHIPS AS IT UNFURLS
and Mawu-Lisa is like son
that looks like a dick that has just been banging psychic chicks
and Eshu is like aww you got me mom
and Mawu is like Eshu you have been a very naughty boy
I am going to curse you
with PERMANENT ERECTIONS
and Eshu is like wait what?
you’re cursing me with eternal sexytimes?
Uh
okay
and Mawu is like WAIT WAIT YOU’LL ALSO NEVER BE SATISFIED
and Eshu is like too late already started banging Gbadu again
and Gbadu is like hey quit it
and Eshu is like YOU HEARD MY MOM
IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM TAKE IT UP WITH HER
so basically no one except for Eshu is happy ever again

So the moral of the story
is while it may be prudent to fight fire with fire
it is never a good idea to fight rapists with viagra

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “Eshu Elegba: Okay, This is Getting Kind of Freaky

  1. Pingback: Besouro Kicks Cops in the Face | Myths RETOLD

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