Everyone in Ireland is a Dick

First off lemme just give a fearful gibbering shoutout
to tech-savvy ogrebeast Marrowcrusher MacDredd
for funding my porn addiction by commissioning this myth about some assholes

LET THE ASSHOLES BEGIN

so there’s this dude Lugh the Long-handed right
i think i mentioned him before
but what i still don’t understand
is why he is called the long-handed
is that a desirable trait?
i mean i could see wanting to have long arms
like if you are the law or an octopus or whatever
but long hands?
it just seems like you would need special forks
BUT LOOK THAT ISN’T THE POINT

the point is one day Lugh is riding around on his horse trying to save some dude
or rather some dude’s possessions
the dude’s name is Bodb Dearg
maybe it is actually a city and not a dude
probably it is a city
but who gives a shit
anyway the dudes that stole it are called Fomor
who the fuck comes up with all these names
why don’t we just call them what they are
the assholes and some other assholes
anyway Lugh is riding after the assholes to get the other assholes’ shit back
and he runs into his dad and his dad’s two brothers
his dad’s name is Caitn and the other two dudes are totally irrelevant
and they are like sup Lugh whatcha doin
and Lugh is like trying to get some shit back
and they are like oh sweet can we help
and he’s like yeah
can you gather some more assholes to help me with this shit
and they are like YESSS
so Lugh keeps riding after the other assholes
and these assholes split up to try and find as many other assholes as they can

So Cainte ends up going north
and running into these three HUGE assholes
the three sons of Tuireann
who hate the SHIT out of Cainte and his brothers
and Cainte is like fuck this i better hide
so he takes out his druid stick
which is basically like the sonic screwdriver of ancient ireland
and he hits himself in the face with it and turns into a pig and goes and hides with some other pigs
at which point the sons of Tuireann are like hey
did you see some jackass turn himself into a pig just now?
yeah
he’s probably up to no good
let’s stab him
so they do
and then Cainte turns into a dude again and is like any chance of not killing me?
and they are all like NOPE
and in fact then they kill him by throwing rocks at him
also this pisses off nature so much that they have to bury him SEVEN TIMES
before the ground stops shitting him back out
SO THAT’S FUN

meanwhile Lugh catches up with the Fomor dudes
and he is like hey wanna give all of Bodb Dearg’s shit back
and they are like nope
and Lugh is like ok cool have it your way
and he waits 3 days for all the other assholes to show up
and then they just straight wreck the shit out of Fomor
to the point where some important Fomor dudes are like hey Lugh
if you let us go now
we promise to come back later and attack you again
this time with ALL OUR GUYS
and Lugh is like DEAL
SERIOUSLY
THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE SORT OF DEALS YOU SHOULD MAKE GUYS

so then the battle is over and Lugh is like oh man i feel great
i would love nothing more than to give my loving father a great big hug
where is he by the way
DEAD YOU SAY?
UNACCEPTABLE
WHO DID THIS
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE HIS MORTAL ENEMIES THE SONS OF TUIREANN?
OF COURSE IT IS
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE EARTH STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME THAT SHIT

so everyone is getting shitfaced and partying and junk
and Lugh calls them all together like dudes
my father is dead
how many people think that is shitty
and everyone raises their hands
including the Tuireann jackasses
and Lugh is like how many people agree
that I should murder the shit out of the dudes that murdered my dad
and again everyone raises their hands
and Lugh is like ok who did it
it’s ok you can tell me
and the Tuireann guys are like fuck fine
it was us
and Lugh is like oh ok sweet
so how about instead of killing you i just ask you to run a couple errands for me
i have kinda been meaning to go grocery shopping but i got distracted by wars
so if you could just get me like
three apples
and a spear
and a pig skin
and a chariot and a couple horses
and seven pigs
and a puppy
and a roasting spit
and three shouts on a hill
i think we can call it even
sound good?
and the sons of Tuireann are like that sounds TOO GOOD
and Lugh is like PROMISE YOU’LL DO IT
and they’re like fine
we promise
and Lugh is like HAHAHAHA ASSHOLES
EAT FINE PRINT
THOSE APPLES I WANT?
BASICALLY THE GOLDEN APPLES OF THE HESPERIDES
AND THE PIG SKIN IS MAGIC OBVIOUSLY
AND THE SPEAR IS ON FIRE CONSTANTLY
AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE CHARIOT AND THE HORSES AND THE PIGS AND THE DOG
ALSO THE SPIT IS OWNED BY A FUCKTON OF WITCHES
oh and ps you have to go shout on top of this specific hill
that is guarded by some big jerks who trained my dad
who you killed remember
and who are sworn to prevent people from shouting on top of that hill
so that won’t be easy either
and the Tuireann dudes are like WELP
GUESS WE MIGHT AS WELL START GETTING FUCKED OVER IMMEDIATELY
so they get the fuck out of ireland to find all of this stupid crap

so the first stop is that apples place
they show up there and there are all these knights and giants guarding it
and two of the dudes
who have names with too many letters
are like LET’S JUST CHARGE THEM AND GET KILLED
but the third one
whose name is Brian
is like no idiots
let’s just use our druid sticks
come on
everyone has these
why are they not part of your problem solving protocol
so they use their druid sticks and BAM they are birds
they swoop in and steal apples
and then some ospreys or something start chasing them with lightning
but it’s ok because they turn into swans
PERFECT

so next they gotta go to some king and steal his magic healing pigskin
so they decide to pose as poets
here is the problem
they are shitty poets
except for Brian but he’s pretty competent at everything
anyway they show up at the king’s place and they are like WE ARE POETS
and the king is like AWESOME I WAS JUST WISHING I HAD SOME POETS
COME IN EAT MY FOOD DRINK MY DRINK
so they go inside and immediately start getting smashed
and the king is like hey
recite some poems
and Brian’s brothers are like durr uhh
and Brian is like fine i got this
ahem:

YO YO YO YO YO
I HEAR YOU GOT A PIGSKIN
GIMME DAT PIGSKIN

and the king is like excellent poem
what is it about
and Brian is like it is about that pigskin you have
and how you should give it to me
and the king is like i’m sorry dude
that poem was really great but i don’t give that pigskin to anybody
how about instead I fill the pigskin with gold THREE TIMES
and give you all that gold
JESUS CHRIST GUYS
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN SHITTY POETRY WAS THIS LUCRATIVE?
LIKE YOU COULD JUST STROLL INTO SOMEONE’S ABODE AND BE LIKE
HEY HEY HEY
GIMME ALL YOUR SWAG
AND BAM
INSTANT RICHES?!
BRB GUYS GONNA GO LIVE IN THE MIDDLE AGES REAL QUICK
so anyway Brian is like sure works for me
except then when they bring out the pigskin for to measure shit
he and his brothers just kill everyone and steal it
EXCELLENT WORK GUYS

so next stop is speartowne
somewhere in persia
they’re like well hey
the poet thing worked once before
let’s try that again
so they show up as poets
and Brian is like hey king
i wrote you a poem
ahem:

BOY DO I LIKE SPEARS
I HEARD YOU MIGHT HAVE A SPEAR
HAND THAT SHIT OVER
(this is my contribution to national poetry month)

but the king is like not so fast son
you can’t just prance in here with your fancy hair ribbons and your silver tongue
and expect me to start bathing you in bitches and riches
get the fuck out of my house
and Brian is like woops
plan B
MURDER YOU WITH THE APPLE I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND
and then between the three of them they kill everyone in court
and steal the spear
which has to be constantly kept in water so it doesn’t burn the house down
SUCCESS

next up: get some fucking horses and a chariot to strap them to
they decide to slightly alter they MO for this one
and pretend to be soldiers instead of poets
so really not so much pretending
as just showing up like sup
we are soldiers
can we work for you
and the king is like SURE AWESOME
but the Tuireann bros work there for like a MONTH
and they never even catch a GLIMPSE of a chariot
so finally they are like fuck this we’re leaving
as a result of your failure to produce horses
and the king is like whoa guys
why didn’t you just ask to see the horses?
i show those fuckers to anyone who expresses even the remotest interest
and I like you guys
everyone here likes and trusts you guys
here is the chariot and here are the horses
at which point Brian and co murder everyone and take the loot
THE SONS OF TUIREANN:
PERHAPS NOT THE MOST COURTEOUS GUESTS

so at this point word has kind of gotten around
that these dudes keep showing up and ruining kingdoms
so when they show up as this dude Easal’s palace
like hey we are warriors/poets here to kill/serenade you
Easal is like OK GUYS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT JUST TAKE IT
and they are like we just want 7 magic pigs
and Easal is like WHATEVER GUYS
THEY’RE JUST SOME FUCKING MAGIC PIGS
NOT WORTH GETTING MURDERED OVER
and the Tuireann guys are like wow
we just accomplished something and we didn’t even have to kill ANYONE
this feels weird

so they feast a bunch and then the next day they are like WELP
off to go steal the ultimate puppy from some other king
and Easal is like oh shit my daughter is MARRIED to that other king
bring me with you so i can talk him out of getting murdered by you
and Brian is like sounds good
so they all get on a boat together and go to wherever this nonsense is happening
and Easal goes up to the king like dude
you have two options here
get murdered
or give them a fucking DOG
be smart about this
and the king is like NOPE
so then there’s a huge battle
only instead of killing the king Brian just ties him up and waves him around
like a screaming white flag of emasculation
and then they get the dog

so Lugh has been using his long-hand size druidic crystal ball
to spy on these dudes this whole time
wicked witch of the west style
and he is like oh look
they just got all the things that I actually WANTED
lemme just go ahead and cast a spell that makes them forget all the other shit
before they fuck something up and die too early
so Brian and friends are suddenly like oh man we’re done
let’s go home
and they go home
and Lugh is kind of avoiding them for some reason
like he goes to this city called Teamhair
which makes me think of a game of shirts versus skins basketball
except instead of team shirts and team skins
it is Team Hair and Team Nohair
oh god that just turned so creepy in my head

anyway the finally track Lugh down and they’re like hey
dude
we got your shit for you
and Lugh is like THAT’S ONLY LIKE HALF OF MY SHIT
WHERE’S THE SUPERFLUOUS ROASTING SPIT
ALSO I DON’T HEAR ANYONE SHOUTING ON TOP OF ANY FUCKING HILLS
and the sons of Tuireann are like OH FUCK
HOW DID WE FORGET ABOUT THOSE THINGS
let’s go get them

so first they go get that roasting spit
but the problem is that it’s on an island and NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE ISLAND IS
they have to look for it for like 3 fucking months
and finally Brian gets fed up and dives into the water to go find it by swimming
seriously i’m not just having Brian do everything because i like typing his name
his brothers are fucking worthless
they are pretty much either killing people
or sitting around choking on their own fucking saliva
anyway Brian finds the island
with all the chicks on it
and he sees the roasting spit
and he’s just like fuck it
how about i just take it
so he picks it up and starts walking away
but the chicks are just like HAHA FAT CHANCE
THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION OF US AND WE’RE MAGIC OR SOMETHING
BUT WE ADMIRE YOUR RETARDED AUDACITY SO YOU KNOW WHAT
JUST TAKE IT
WHATEVER
so DING DING DING another task solved thanks to GUMPTION

now there is only one thing left
and that is to go shout on a hill
so they land their boat next to the hill
and some dude comes running down the hill
like YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO SHOUT ON THIS HILL
and brian is like YOU BETTER NOT GET STABBED BY MY SWORD
but he is actually using reverse psychology
because then he stabs the shit out of that dude
BUT OH NO
HERE COME THREE MORE DUDES
SO NOW EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT
and so all six dudes who are involved in this bloodfest get stabbed with spears
and the Tuireann bros win obviously
but not before getting mortally wounded
so they’re all lying at the base of the hill
and Brian is like COME ON GUYS
WE GOTTA GO SHOUT ON TOP OF THIS HILL
and the other two are like sorry dude
too busy dying
and Brian is like FUCK THAT
and picks everyone up
and they do a mortally wounded three-legged deathrace to the top of the hill
where they shout three times
and then fall down and roll back to their boat

so shit looks pretty grim
but remember how they got that magic pigskin that heals all wounds earlier?
so Brian gets the bright idea to go ask Lugh if they can use that for a second
and they sail back to Teamhair
and one of Brian’s brothers goes in
and asks Lugh if they can borrow the pigskin real quick
and Lugh is like NOPE
and Brian hears this and is like fuuuuck
here
carry me in there
see if I can convince him
i’m the one that actually does things
and he goes in there and is like Lugh
seriously
we got all your stupid shit
it would literally cost you nothing to save our lives right now
and Lugh is like hold on i’m getting another call
oh it’s my dad
I’m sorry dad what’s that you say
it’s hard to hear you because BRIAN AND HIS SHITTY BROTHERS FUCKING MURDERED YOU
and Brian is like fine ok i get it
and then he and his brothers die
and they are buried together

so yeah
the sons of Tuireann were assholes
but in the end
it was Lugh who was the real asshole
which just goes to show
that when you are surrounded on all sides by assholes
sometimes the biggest asshole
was inside you all along

THE END

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6 thoughts on “Everyone in Ireland is a Dick

  1. The word where you're getting long-handed can also be interpreted as "long-armed", in which case that totally is more useful than having long hands, yeah.
    But think of karate chops. What would make them that much more deadly? Perhaps a larger meatier hand? I think you can see how it'd be useful, no?

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