Faustus is one BAD MOTHERFUCKER

Alright so announcement time:

A dude gave me 20 dollars
so I am in the process of recording a rap
about motherfucking OEDIPUS REX
see what i did there
motherfucking?
ha HA!
anyway that should be done by the end of the week or something
keep your ears peeled
except not literally that would be gross
that’s some serial killer shit
ANYWAY here’s a myth suggested by this dude(tte?) Husker

So this kid Faustus right

actually he is not a kid he is a grown man
he is grown as FUCK actually
he is so grown he has like
A PhD in philosophy
and he’s a lawyer
also a doctor
probably got a MBA in tapdancing or some shit
point is this dude is a career academic

but he is SURPRISINGLY UNSATISFIED
in fact as our story begins
he is pacing back and forth in his study
like HMM WHAT IS THE BEST SCIENCE?
MEDICINE?
NOPE.
LAW?
NOPE.
LOGIC?
NOPE.
OH I KNOW
NECROMANCY
THAT’S TOTALLY A SCIENCE
LET’S DO THIS

so he hits up his shitty evil friends
Valdes and Cornelius
oh come on
how can you not be evil with a name like cornelius
or valdes for that matter
those are some evil goddamn names
OH SHIT SEGUE
because damning god is exactly what these fools are about to do
in fact by the time they leave
faustus is damning god so hard
that this demon mephistopheles shows up like FINE WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
and faustus is like do my bidding
and mephistopheles is like DO YOU HAVE A SOUL I CAN BORROW
NOT REALLY SURE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK TO YOU
I JUST NEED SOME SOULS TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED
and faustus is like how about i give you my soul in 24 years
and in the meantime you do my fucking bidding
and Mephistopheles is like
well
lemme check with my boss

GUYS
THERE IS NO HAGGLING AT ALL
AND FAUSTUS DOES NOT EVEN TRY TO START
FROM A NONSHITTY BARGAINING POSITION
24 FUCKING YEARS?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN 24 YEARS ASSHOLE
WRITE A FUCKING MEMOIR?
YOU COULDN’T HAVE ASKED FOR
I DON’T KNOW
TWENTY FIVE YEARS?!
HOW ABOUT 30 OR SO?
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
DID YOU LOOK UP THE BLUE BOOK VALUE OF YOUR SOUL IN ADVANCE?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE

meanwhile faustus’s servant Wagner steals one of his books
and uses a bunch of shitty magic to scare a clown

BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION
mephistopheles shows up like AHOY BITCH
I BROUGHT A CONTRACT FOR YOU TO SIGN IN BLOOD
and faustus’s conscience is like no don’t do it
and faustus is like FUCK YOU CONSCIENCE I’M A SCIENTIST
ALSO A NECROMANCER
hey mephistopheles i’m not gonna get aids from this am I?
and mephistopheles is like no worries dude
we sterilize all our satan knives
go nuts
so faustus goes nuts
and cuts his arm
but his blood is like FUCK NO DUDE
AIN’T GOIN’ NEAR THAT FUCKING CONTRACT
and it clots right the fuck up
and mephistopheles is like I KNOW
I’LL USE FIRE ON IT
so he goes off to get some fire
and faustus is like i dunno about this man
my blood seems pretty suspicious of this deal
I am actually going to have to set my blood on fire
if i want to do this
that is more inauspicious than a broken mirror
covered in salt
under a ladder
with vampires stapled to the sides
oh well fuck it
and he signs the contract anyway

so now faustus has his very own demon slave
and he is like hey mephistopheles
tell me facts about the universe
and mephistopheles is like sure ok
and faustus is like who made the universe
and mephistopheles is like i plead the 5th
and faustus is like aw man
this is lame
how about I TAKE BACK MY SOUL?
and mephistopheles is like
how about i distract you with this mini-play
about the seven deadly sins
and faustus is like AWESOME
DEAL

meanwhile fastus’s horsekeeper Robin finds one of his books
and calls up his buddy rafe
and is like DUUUUUUUDE
LET’S GO TO A BAR
I WILL CONJURE ALL THE BOOZE

OKAY BACK TO PLOT
so apparently fastus’s first order of business
after using his superpowers to gain infinite knowledge
is to go to Rome and prank the pope
guys
Germany is practically within WALKING DISTANCE OF ITALY
THEY WERE ON THE SAME SIDE IN WORLD WAR TWO
SOMEONE IS UNDERUTILIZING HIS RESOURCES HERE
anyway basically he and mephistopheles show up
turn invisible
eat all the food
punch the pope in the head
beat the shit out of everyone
set off a bunch of fireworks
and leave
and this bullshit
nets faustus an invitation to chill with the king of germany

MEANWHILE ROBIN AND RAFE HAVE STOLEN SOME KIND OF CUP
it is apparently a valuable cup
because the dude who owns it is chasing them
they quickly put an end to this
by summoning MEPHISTOPHELES
who is like seriously guys
you made me come all the way over here
because you wanted a fucking cup
you keep this shit up and you guys are getting turned into ANIMALS
i’m going to Turkey
or germany or something

so faustus teleports back to germany
to see this king
who is like hey dude
conjure alexander the great
and faustus is like sure no problem
here
also here is his lover
also here are some dudes he killed
watch him kill them again
look here’s a horse
you want some elephants
you want a hot air balloon full of tits
I can make that happen
i can keep going with this shit all night

but then this dude Benvolio
who is nursing a WICKED HANGOVER
is like BOOO YOU SUCK
and faustus is like i suck eh?
do i suck as bad as HAVING ANTLERS ON YOUR HEAD?
LET ME KNOW
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME NOW
and then benvolio is like ima kill you
and chops off faustus’s head
and faustus just puts that shit back on
like bitch
i did not sell my soul to satan
just to get decapitated by some candyass lightweight
with ANTLERS ON HIS HEAD
hope you like having demons drag your dick through thorns
then throw you off a cliff
because that is the new itinerary i just made for you
have fun cockwit

then on his way home
faustus runs into some dude who buys horses
and he is like hey do you want to buy a horse
i’ll sell it to you cheap
but remember
NEVER RIDE THIS HORSE IN WATER
FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS
and the horse dude is like sure ok
and then IMMEDIATELY RIDES IT INTO WATER
AND IT TURNS INTO STRAW
so naturally he gets pretty pissed
and he goes and finds faustus sleeping
and he’s like hey assbasket
wake the fuck up
and faustus is all ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
and the horsedude is like how about I PULL ON YOUR LEG
and faustus’s leg COMES OFF IN HIS HAND
and the dude is like SHIT I JUST STOLE A BODY PART
I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
AAAAAA
and he runs away with the leg
at which point faustus grows a new leg
and starts laughing his ass off

so horsemaster retard goes and finds another dude
who sells hay
who faustus ripped off
basically by eating all of his hay for some reason
and then two of them
plus robin and rafe
who are just shitfaced and having a good time
all go confront faustus in some royal court
where he is busy making a plate of grapes out of thin air
guys is it just me
or have faustus’s tricks gotten progressively shittier
as this story has gone on
it used to be BOOM INFINITE KNOWLEDGE
now it is like hey
…grapes
anyway the angry dudes show up
and faustus uses magic to make them mute
and everyone lives happily ever after

EXCEPT NOT REALLY
because then faustus goes back to his old office
and spends some time dicking around
conjuring helen of troy and shit
and then this old dude shows up
like hey faustus
you know how you sold your soul to lucifer?
like with a contract and everything?
well guess what
if you act now
you can repent and COMPLETELY ABANDON YOUR AGREEMENT
NO MONEY DOWN
NO OBLIGATION
ABSO-FUCKING FREE
and faustus is like hm nope
i think i’d rather sign an extra contract with satan
so i can go to double hell instead of regular hell
sounds more hardcore

so then mephistopheles shows up like WELP IT’S HELLTIME
and faustus is like WAIT I REPENT
and mephistopheles is like too late asshole
you could have repented before
like ten minutes ago
but you have PASSED THE ARBITRARY CUTOFF POINT
PREPARE TO GET SPINEFUCKED BY THE FLAMING DICK OF THE DAMNED
and then faustus gets dragged to hell
and spends the rest of eternity in an endless flaming gangbang

so the moral of the story is
you can totally get away with selling your soul
as long as you repent at the last possible moment
also
the last possible moment
is probably some time BEFORE you sign a second contract
and demons show up to physically drag you into the inferno
timing is everything

THE END.

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9 thoughts on “Faustus is one BAD MOTHERFUCKER

  1. Holy crap. I directed Faustus once upon a time. I love that play. This is SO much more badass than that play. You are a genius.

  2. Pingback: Twelfth Night « Sassafras Junction

  3. Are you going to do the Goethe version, wherein Faust is actually not a bad motherfucker and instead is kind of a moody awkward nerd (being a shut-in that reads BOOKS all day, psh, that geek), who needs a demon’s help to get laid twice but both times cocks it up enormously because witches throw pretty awesome Walpurgisnächte?

    Because it seems like a whole rabbit-hole of untapped potential.

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