Frankenstein: Pretty Irresponsible

Happy halloween assholes
I’m about to go put on spandex
and drink many cups of what I can only hope will be alcohol
because that is apparently what we all do on halloween now
now that we are responsible adults
but anyway here is a thematically appropriate myth
which i am pretty sure numerous people have asked me to retell
it is about stem cell research

OKAY SO THE NORTH POLE RIGHT?

yup
this story takes place AT THE NORTH FUCKING POLE
PAGE ONE
NORTH POLE
BAM
and there’s this dude there whose name I don’t remember
who is like this super rad north pole explorer guy
except not that rad because his boat is stuck in the ice
and then whoa what’s going on
looks like there’s ANOTHER DUDE HANGING OUT AT THE NORTH POLE
doing the main thing people do in the arctic:
freezing to death
So Explorer McStuckboat picks up Colonel Freezypants
who is not actually a Colonel but rather a DOCTOR OF SCIENCE
his name is VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
AND HE HAS A STORY TO TELL
his story is called Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
it goes like this:

so Frankenstein is this dude who is really into science
his mom dies and then he goes to university and gets real smart
and as often happens when dudes get real smart
Frankenstein starts making REAL DUMB DECISIONS
much like a certain other Doktor in another german-centric tale of fail
so Frankenstein is like Hm
I’m a really great science guy and everything
but you know what I should really be doing?
NECROMANCY
so he proceeds to rob every grave in a nine mile radius
duct tapes everything together
and builds a giant ultrahandsome mancoprse
at like 2x scale
so he wont hafta use a magnifying glass to see all the fiddly little nerves and shit
which is basically like if you were building a toaster
and you were like hey you know what would make wiring this thing easier
is if I made it as big as my DOG
MY FRIEND
A DOG-SIZED TOASTER IS NOT GOING TO TOAST YOUR TOAST
IT IS GOING TO TOAST YOUR DOG
AND A DOUBLE-SIZED HUMAN IS GOING TO TOAST MUCH MORE THAN THAT
and this is exactly what Ol’ Franky realizes
IMMEDIATELY AFTER COMPLETING HIS PROJECT AND ANIMATING IT WITH LIGHTNING

but it’s okay, right?
I mean, any intelligent and responsible scientist would have planned for this
maybe put some blast doors on his laboratory
kept some tranquilizers on hand
you know,
anything at all to prevent your GIANT ZOMBIE MANBEAST from rampaging everywhere
no
the only preparation Doctor Frankenstein appears to have made for this
is putting on a pair of grade A sissypants
because his immediate response to this horrible nightmare scenario he created
is to flee the premises and leave his laboratory TOTALLY UNLOCKED
and then he comes back the next day like DURR WHERE DID MY MONSTER GO
I’LL TELL YOU WHERE YOUR MONSTER WENT, ASSHOLE
YOUR MONSTER WENT DOWNTOWN AND MURDERED YOUR BROTHER
yup
that’s what happened
and Frankenstein figures that out pretty quick
but the police don’t
instead the police arrest and hang some random chick
based on really shaky circumstantial evidence
and Frankenstein is CONSUMED BY GUILT

he is so consumed by guilt that his only recourse is to go wandering in the hills
where he meets
GUESS WHO
THE FUCKING MONSTER
and Frank is like OH SWEET HIBBITY JIBBITY
and the monster is like SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH AND LISTEN TO MY STORY
AHEM
(now for those keeping track at home, this is the THIRD frame narrative so far
we are inside a story about the north pole
hearing a story from a dude
about a monster
who just jumped him in the hills inside his story
so he could tell ANOTHER FUCKING STORY)
anyway here is the monster’s story:

so I was animated by lightning, right
and then the first person who saw me fled
so naturally I got pretty freaked
and I ran outside and i ended up in a village
where everyone threw rocks at me and called me names
so i got real sad and hid in the woods
near this house where some blind dude lives
and I spent a long time there
eavesdropping on the dude and his two hot daughters
and also stealing their books to learn how to read
because oh yeah
seeing as my brain is DOUBLE NORMAL SIZE
that means supersmarts ahoy
but anyway yeah I kind of took a shine to this blind dude
so i started secretly doing all these chores for him
but I didn’t tell any of them I was there
because i figured they would throw rocks at me
but then finally one day the blind dude was home alone
and I was like SWEET BEANS, NOW’S MY CHANCE
and I ran in and started having this AWESOME CONVERSATION with him
but then his fucking twank daughters showed up
and flipped their shit
and threw rocks at me
so I ran away and then I kinda found your brother and killed him
because he was your brother and I hate you a lot
oh and then I used my super smarts to frame some random chick
how about having THAT SHIT on your conscience, huh?

so Frankenstein is like geeze dude
I’M SORRY I ASSEMBLED YOU OUT OF DEAD PEOPLE PARTS AND DOOMED YOU TO BE A GIANT FREAK
THERE, I SAID IT
WE COOL?
and the monster is like uh no
how about this
you make me a super sexy doublesize bride
with like a crazy fright wig and shit
and we’ll call it even
and Frankenstein is like okay, sure

so he start building this frankenbride
but he gets halfway through and he’s like waaaaaaait a second
what if this chick just ends up hating that dude?
or even worse
what if she DOESN’T
and then they end up having KIDS
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
and soon after that the monster shows up like hey bro how’s my wife coming along
OH SHIT YOU SET HER BODY ON FIRE
and Frankenstein is like damn right I did
we can’t have you people breeding
and the monster is like WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PEOPLE
I’LL SEE YOU ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT MOTHERFUCKER
and then he immediately runs off and kills Frankenstein’s best bro from College
the dude’s name is Clurvel or something
but I’m not gonna look it up because FUCK SIDE CHARACTERS

so cut to like ten minutes later
frankenstein totally has a bride
and they get married on like a boat or something
and Frankenstein is super freaking out about it
because the monster was all threatening to see him on his wedding night
and he can’t bring himself to believe that what the monster meant
was that he was going to show up with a set of fine china for the dining room
so he’s sitting in his room like OH MAN I’M TOTALLY GONNA GET KILLED HUH
and in the meantime totally neglects to consider
that maybe the monster was planning on killing his WIFE instead
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THE MONSTER DOES
he like jumps in through a window and is just like HIYAAAA BITCH
and strangles her
and then Frankenstein’s dad dies of shock
because he just found out his son’s new wife got chokeslammed by a zombie
at which point Frankenstein is just like fuck this
it’s monster-stabbin’ time

Now I’m not sure what Frankenstein’s plan is here
like how he figures on defeating a dude double his size and intelligence
but a key part of the plan seems to be following the monster to the north pole
which is a really bad decision because
well, because north pole
and that’s where the boat dude finds him
and hears the story we just heard
and then Frankenstein dies
because, let me reiterate:
NORTH FUCKING POLE
and then immediately afterwards the monster jumps onto the deck and he’s like YESS
I TOTALLY WIN
WHY WAS THIS DUDE STUPID ENOUGH TO FOLLOW ME TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE
WELP
NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR
BETTER SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO ATONE FOR MY MANY MURDERS
and on that cheery note he leaves
and the ship gets loose from the ice
and everybody sails home
and is severely disturbed for the rest of their lives

so the moral of the story
is that santa claus is dead
he was killed by frankenstein’s monster
who then set himself on fire

THE END.

Share

8 thoughts on “Frankenstein: Pretty Irresponsible

  1. You know what might be the best thing of ALL about your madd myth-retelling skillz? They inspire me to go read (or research) the source material, because I'm always surprised to realize how little I actually know about all the stories I thought I knew. (c:

  2. Well. Now that I'm done reading that…time to go take a test on Frankenstein. Wish me luck ๐Ÿ˜€ (This should end well..)

    Compliments to your awesome re-re-storytelling skills. :3 (You know, since Shelley told this story, then retold it in book format.) I definitely got a better understanding of this than actually reading this. I only made it to the third chapter.
    This version is short and sweet. (figuratively speaking)

  3. I must say the lead-in to your remark was highly inappropriate, as it suggests support for the pizza man fuck scenario rooted in a juicy first hand experience/eyewitness account.

  4. Pingback: More like Heart of Jerkness | Myths RETOLD

  5. Not two hot daughters. One hot daughter and a son…. but close, and hilarious. It’s pretty much what I was thinking the entire time I was reading Frankenstein.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *