More like Heart of Jerkness

This one goes out to all my homies who wasted 4+ years on a lit major

So we’re on a boat
and as we all know
boats are where stories get TOLD
so it is unsurprising that after like a page of describing every motherfucker on the boat
this fancypants narrator
whose name i’ve forgotten
and thus is now named COLONEL FANCYPANTS
gets ambushed by this dude Marlowe
who gets all up in his grill talking about how London is a total drag
and it reminds him of this other place he went that was a total drag:
AFRICA
FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

so apparently
back in the day
this Marlowe cat got a job with a british trading company
his job description was to go to africa
and trade all of the africans bits of string and pocket lint
in exchange for PRECIOUS PRECIOUS IVORY
so he’s like alright Marlowe
now’s your chance to make it big
prove those british dudes you can seriously scam some natives
oh man
riches ahoy
but then he gets to Africa and it totally sucks
and not even because of any Africa-related nonsense
it sucks because all his CO-WORKERS suck
they’re all huge jerks
who do things like sneer all the time
and also SABOTAGE MARLOWE’S BOAT FOR LIKE NO FUCKING REASON
SERIOUSLY
IT TAKES HIM THREE MONTHS TO FIX THAT THING
I THOUGHT THESE GUYS WERE ON THE SAME SIDE?

Well, apparently not
anyway, now Marlowe has a new job
which is instead of staying where he is and steadily accumulating bitches and riches
he has to go into the jungle
(aka THE HEART OF DARKNESS for some reason)
and find this dude named Kurtz
who is apparently this super great musician and genius and journalist and stuff
who is also really great at cheating the natives out of ivory
and who appears to have “gone rogue”

so, awesome
now Marlowe has to go find this guy
and his boat is finally fixed
so he gets some white dudes and some black dudes
(the black dudes are cannibals
because cannibals are scary and this book is scary)
and they go a-boatin’
and pretty soon they find a little house with a bunch of firewood in it
and a note that says hey
free firewood
it’s totally for you guys, no strings attached
so they are kinda confused by that, but they take the wood
and they use it
but then all of a sudden it gets real foggy and they get attacked by JUNGLE DUDES
and one of Marlowe’s cannibal pals gets capped
and he acts real sad about it
but come on, Marlowe
we all know cannibal dudes are just the redshirts of your story
i mean guys
look at what is happening
this is a horror book
that predates horror movies by a handful of decades
and even back in 1899
THE BLACK GUY ALWAYS DIES FIRST
so that’s lovely
oh, they escape by the way
someone just needed to get killed first so you’d know it was serious business

but anyway then they get to Kurtz’s camp
which is totally unharmed
even though they figured kurtz would probably be dead by this point
but there is a very simple answer to why Kurtz’s camp is unharmed:
it is because he has surrounded his camp
IN THE SEVERED HEADS OF THE NATIVES
and also apparently the natives worship him as a god
which is not what I would do if someone decapitated all my friends
and then used them for lawn ornaments
although maybe I would
if they were threatening to do that to me too…
anyway, Kurtz isn’t there
but this weird russian clown is
and the Russian clown is apparently the guy who left the firewood
which explains a lot
also he is kind of a disciple of Kurtz’s
which explains even more
oh and also Kurtz is the one who sent the jungle dudes to attack Marlowe
which explains even WHAT?
man, when this guy goes rogue
he goes all the way rogue
i mean, they said he was a journalist
and i guess he must be
because this is exactly what I imagine would happen
if they sent Hunter S. Thompson to go harvest ivory from the Congo

anyway
eventually they track down Kurtz
and dude is seriously ill
so they grab him and stuff him in the boat
and start taking him home
and even though he’s mega ill
he’s still got assloads of charisma
but whatever
didn’t stop you from dying, did it asshole?
so yeah, on the boat he dies
obviously
but Marlowe happens to see him right before he dies
and apparently Kurtz has this “supreme moment of complete knowledge”
which causes him to utter words of incrediblewisdom
here they are
reproduced in their entirety
ahem:
“The horror! The horror!”
Great, dude
that’s the best you could come up with?
supreme clarity my ass
that is some soap opera shit is what that is
fuck off

so Marlowe gets back to London
and everyone is hounding his ass trying to find out about Kurtz
but he won’t say shit
even though he totally has a bunch of Kurtz’s stuff
especially a picture of Kurtz’s super hot fiancee.
Now I know what you’re thinking
and no, Marlowe does not bone Kurtz’s would-be honey
although that would be totally sweet
no, he just goes to see her
and then when she asks about her boytoy’s last moments
Marlowe is all
“Uh…
he died with your name upon his lips”
BITCH
NO HE DIDN’T
UNLESS THIS CHICK’S NAME IS “THE HORROR”
HER BOOBS WERE THE LAST THING ON KURTZ’S MIND WHEN HE FELL OFF THE ALIVE-TRAIN
but oh well
at least her feelings are saved

so yeah
the moral of the story
is obviously that Africa is terrible
and lying is great.

The end.

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6 thoughts on “More like Heart of Jerkness

  1. SHIT!!!!!! THAT’S what that book was about????? It was assigned every fucking year of my English-major-college-career and I never read that pos once. Thanks for clarifying! I would have done better on a few papers if I’d known this! =) Hilarious, Ovid.

  2. This is pretty much how I remembered it in my AP English class, so I’m glad I got it all right. I suppose I never understood how it was horrifying because I was analyzing it and trying to understand it. Good job.

  3. This story reminds me of another story (which you could also retell, by the way).
    I am talking about The Lost World, by Arthur Conan Doyle. There, too, are a bunch of Victorian Age British dudes on an expedition in a jungle.
    But furthermore, this story contains DINOSAURS!
    Oh, and also a black dude who gets portrayed in a rather racist way.

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