Galahad does not have time for this shit

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Alright so Lancelot is still fucking Guenevere

that is something that is continuing to occur
basically ceaselessly
for like YEARS
and Guenevere never treats him any less shittily
BECAUSE THAT WOULD COMPROMISE HER QUEENSHIP
here is a secret about being queen:
it is okay to cheat on your husband
as long as you talk a lot of shit
in fact Guenevere talks SO MUCH SHIT
that one day Lancelot is just like you know what
fine
let’s see how you get by
without my gallant man-lance all up in your crevices
HEY ARTHUR
I AM READY TO NOT BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR WIFE FOR A WHILE
and arthur is like shit dude seriously?
who’s gonna watch my wife?
and Lancelot is like man whoever
I don’t fucking care
how about let everybody get a turn with her
and Arthur is like shit if you say so
meanwhile i guess I gotta give you some kind of quest?
and Lancelot is like that would be good yeah
and Arthur is like shit
well I’m pretty much out of quests
except for this grail shit
like I said I don’t really know where or what this thing is
but it’s got Holy in the name
so it must be pretty fucking great
and Lancelot is like shit well it beats hanging out with your wife
AND THAT IS HOW LANCELOT BEGINS HIS QUEST FOR THE GRAIL

but the grail is not what he finds
no
what he finds is this castle
with a bigass tower
and this chick is imprisoned in there
basically in a giant magical steam bath
the door isn’t even locked actually
she might have just been taking a bath
anyway Lancelot “rescues” her
and then the villagers open up a tomb so he can fuck up a dragon
and the upshot of all this is that the chick he rescued falls in love with him
THREE GUESSES WHAT HER NAME IS
no not stimpy
not cockboat
ELAINE
YEAH A DIFFERENT ONE THAN THE ONE WHO KILLED HERSELF EARLIER
WHAT IS IT WITH CHICKS NAMED ELAINE AND GETTING MOIST OVER LANCELOT
and predictably lancelot does not give a fuck about this girl either
but that is where the similarities end
because THIS elaine
is not a fucking pushover like the other one
she thinks to herself hm
i want this guy to put a baby inside me
i hear he’s been boning guenevere
(oh yeah
basically everybody knows about that shit
except everyone in Camelot
where it is actually relevant)
so hm what do I do
OH I KNOW
I WILL GET MY PET ENCHANTRESS TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE GUENEVERE
WEATHER FORECAST: SEXY TIMES AHOY
so the way she goes about making this happen
is first they make a duplicate of Guenevere’s special gold ring
and they send that to Lancelot
and then he’s like whoa i bet Guenevere is around
better go fuck the shit out of her
so he does
BUT PRANK’D
TURNS OUT IT IS ELAINE IN DISGUISE
and when he wakes up in the morning and realizes this
he is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Elaine is like dude chill the fuck out
I just sucked your dick like nineteen times
WITH MY VAGINA
PS I’m pregnant
PPS I am pregnant with a kid who is gonna be way better than you
and Lancelot is like that’s not difficult
I ROUTINELY BANG MY BOSS’S WIFE
oh shit speaking of which
I better get back to Camelot and bang my boss’s wife
good luck raising that kid i put in you

so Lancelot goes off to have more special adultery times
and Elaine gives birth to this dude Galahad
some people spell it Galahaut
but those people are HISTORIANS
anyway from the very beginning
everyone everywhere
just straight up KNOWS this dude is the shit
there is never any question
this guy is the new best knight ever
just like sir Tristram
and sir Lancelot
and sir Percival
not a very long shelf life on knights in this legend
shit i mean
even Galahad has fucking Leukemia
or at least some kind of terminal disease
but that’s not really that important

so all goes well
until some idiot shows up at Elaine’s place
like hey baby wanna bang
and Elaine is like sorry baby I only spread my legs for LANCELOT
and this fucking retard is like well i guess i better kill that dude
so he goes out looking for him
and by looking for him
I mean attacking everyone he sees
so he gets pretty much immediately beat down by Lancelot’s cousin
sir Bors
who is like alright dude
now you gotta go back to camelot
and fucking tell everyone what a pansy you are
and the dude is like ok
and meanwhile sir Bors goes to Elaine’s crib for a few days
and fucking trips balls and sees dragons fucking SPITTING OUT OTHER DRAGONS
but again
that is not very important

so back at Camelot
this piece of shit idiot knight shows up
and tells everyone how he was trying to bone elaine
but apparently she only bones Lancelot
and Guenevere hears about this
and BOOP BOOP BITCH ALARM
she proceeds to give Lancelot blueballs
until he convinces her that Elaine meant nothing to him
sidenote:
how is Guenevere not getting preggers?
years and years of playing nonstop sneakyboners
and meanwhile Elaine bangs him ONCE and starts pooping out babies
but anyway yeah then everything is cool for a while
until arthur decides to throw a bigass party at camelot
and invite all the ladies
and so Elaine shows up
and Guenevere is like hey you piece of shit
and Elaine is like wow you are a huge slutbag
and Lancelot is like I am too embarrassed to talk to either of you
and then that night
Elaine sends her pet witch to pretend to be one of Guenevere’s maids
and tell Lancelot to come over for some sexytimes
and Lancelot falls for this trick AGAIN
and then Guenevere sends an ACTUAL maid to find him
and he’s gone
so she’s like LAAAANCELOTTTTT
YOU FUCKING PRICK WHERE ARE YOU
and Lancelot is like SHIT
and he jumps out a window and goes crazy for several years

now we have already established
that Lancelot is the best at everything he does
this applies to being crazy as well
for YEARS this dude is just running through the forest
totally nude
beating the shit out of bears and drinking blood and rainwater
until one day he sees some shields and swords up against a tree
and he picks up a sword
and just starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF A SHIELD
and the owner of the swords and shields comes out of his tent
and he is like aw god dammit
a hobo got one of my swords again
I really shouldn’t leave these things lying around
hey man put down the sword
but instead lancelot MAKES BLOOD EXPLODE OUT OF THE DUDE’S FACE
and then he passes out
at which point the dude ties him up with some chains
and starts bringing him to his castle to help him out
and then gets attacked by knights
at which point Lancelot just snaps all the chains
kills all the knights
and goes right back to skullfucking leopards and dropkicking alligators

meanwhile Percival is supposed to be looking for Lancelot
but he is making a fatal mistake
which is that he is not looking for a naked dude
so instead he finds some knight
and they immediately start beating each other to death
for really no reason
they both mutilate each other
and then Percival is like wait who are you
and the dude is like I’m lancelot’s brother
and Percival is like FUUUUUCK i’m percival
too bad we mortally wounded each other
but then the Holy Grail just floats by and THEY ARE SUDDENLY OK
and they are like well that was weird
wanna go find Lancelot?

MEANWHILE LANCELOT SOMEHOW STUMBLES OVER TO ELAINE’S PLACE
and everyone is like hey look a crazy dude
let’s throw him in a pit and chuck steaks at him
and Lancelot is okay with this
because he likes steaks
but then one day one of the king’s sons gets knighted
and he is like IMA GIVE OUT FANCY CLOTHES TO EVERYBODY
BRING THAT CRAZY DUDE IN HERE
and he gives lancelot some sweet duds
which lancelot proceeds to shit all over
shortly before passing out in the garden
and that is where Elaine finds him
and she is like WHOA WHAT
HEY LANCELOT WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN FECES
and she eventually gets him to stop being crazy
Malory says he stopped being crazy because of the grail
but that’s retarded

so once he’s not crazy Lancelot is like hey Elaine
sorry i brandished a sword at you and whatnot
but you did kind of trick me like a total twatwaffle
but anyway I feel bad so now i’m never gonna leave you
gonna do whatever you want
let’s go live on an island
we will call it Joyous Island and we will have parties
and I will call myself “The Tresspassing Knight”
but in french
because it’s more pretentious
and Elaine is like sure okay
NOTE: Galahad is not present for any of this
why?
he’s got more important shit to deal with
even though he’s like 8 years old at this point
he’s the greatest knight in the entire goddamn universe
what does he care if his dad is a crazy shitcovered asshole
he’s got a HEROIC DESTINY
also LEUKEMIA
that is some serious problems

anyway Lancelot gets bored and is like hey
all you knights all over the place
come over to my house I’ll beat the shit out of you
or i mean
uh
we’ll have a tournament
if you win i’ll give you whores
so 500 knights show up
and Lancelot reams them with the tip of his lance
over the course of THREE DAYS
THAT IS 166.7 KNIGHTS PER DAY
I FEEL BAD FOR THAT 7/10 OF A KNIGHT

anyway right at the tail end of this shit Percival and his buddy
whose name is sir Ector by the way
hear about the tournament
and they are like whoa damn
is it too late to beat the shit out of dudes?
but they are in luck
because when you are dealing with Lancelot
it is NEVER too late to beat the shit out of dudes
i mean I should give him some credit I guess
he never kills anyone who doesn’t totally deserve it
and he feels REALLY bad about all the shitty things he’s done
but i mean
he still does all those shitty things
so i think it’s kind of a wash?
but regardless Percival and Ector show up to Lancelot’s place
and Percival and Lancelot fight for like two hours
before they are both like whoa hold on
who the fuck are you
this seems to be a really really common problem for knights
which i think could be pretty easily avoided with like
nametags?
anyway Percival is like I’m Percival
and Lancelot is like OH SNAP
well I’m Lancelot
i mean i am calling myself “The Shitty French Knight” right now
but yeah
totally Lancelot
and Percival is like DUDE
Guenevere sent me to look for you
get the fuck back to Camelot dude we miss your stupid ass
so Lancelot goes back to Camelot
totally forgetting about his son that Elaine is raising
although honestly I think Elaine has pretty much forgotten about him too
seeing as she basically never mentions him
but that does not stop EVERYONE in the FUCKING WORLD
from already knowing all these prophecies about how he’s going to be amazing
like 10 billion times stronger than his dad and shit
basically Lancelot is Goku
and Galahad is Gohan
or maybe trunks
but maybe Percival is Trunks
except isn’t trunks more powerful than Gohan?
or maybe Galahad is like when Gohan and trunks to that fusion thing
what was he called then
Gotenks?
what a stupid name
jesus i just revealed way too much about my childhood just now huh

ANYWAY the moral of the story
is if you are having problems in your relationship
try running naked through the woods for several years
when you come to your senses everything will be great again

SATURDAY: THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL!
(the end?)

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13 thoughts on “Galahad does not have time for this shit

  1. The new blog design is full of awesome. As is this retelling! Clearly, Masochist!Lancelot would sire TerminallyIll!Galahad. So, um, this leads to the logical question: Do we get to see Domme!Guenevere (though, Bitch Guenevere is close…) and/or SexyNurse!Perceval's sister? What? You're not writing _that_ kind of blog?

    Ooookay….

  2. Actually! Funfax! Galahad != Galehaut. Galahad is Lancelot's son. Galehat is in love with Lancelot. (He turns up in the prose lancelot and helps lancelot win guenevere. And also he gets referenced in book 5 of the inferno.) And he is Lancelot's best friend ever but the language they use to describe their friendship and the way in which they behave is modelled on courtly love rather than male chivalric friendship. So! Lancelot gets to be unattainable lady ordering the man about, and Galehaut gets to pine.

    So it is even more important not to confuse Galehaut and Galahad.

  3. Pingback: Chivalry Isn’t Dead, You Just Don’t Know What the Fuck it is. | Myths RETOLD

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