So I launched my Patreon today
you should give money to it
that would be rad
but anyway it got me thinking about money myths
and suddenly I was like HOLY SHIT
HOW HAVE I NOT RETOLD THE STORY OF THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGGS?
FIXING THAT NOW.
Basically what happens
is this guy gets a freakish mutant goose that lays eggs of gold
obviously this is a dead-end mutation
because babies do not hatch out of gold eggs
except maybe in fairytales, I dunno
but whatever, dude is rich from selling all these metal eggs
and he’s like oh man
if this goose is this valuable alive
I bet it’s EVEN MORE VALUABLE DEAD
(said NO ONE ELSE, EVER)
so he chops it open and it’s just full of meat
no gold, just blood and goose meat
and he doesn’t even hire any scientists
to discover the biology behind its weird bird alchemy
so the secret is lost forever
and he’s still sort of rich from all the eggs
but he knows what he did.
The moral of the story
is that donating money to me
gives me a great excuse not to cut you open and root around in your insides.
BUT DID YOU KNOW
THAT THIS IS NOT THE ONLY STORY THAT CONTAINS A GOOSE/GOLD COMBO??
today’s myth is a motherfucking DOUBLE FEATURES
so sit back and grease your earholes
because you’re about to hear about the GOLDEN GOOSE.
Okay so there’s three brothers because when are there not
the first two go out into the forest to chop wood
one at a time
and they meet a magic hobo who asks for their lunches
and they’re both like no
so he makes them accidentally mutilate themselves with their axes.
So far, pretty standard fairytale.
So then the youngest son, who has a shitty name like Dumplet or Badhair
decides to try cutting wood too
so his parents send him out with a shitty lunch and a very sharp axe
and he sees the hobo and gives him all the food
and the hobo is like “gee, thanks
enjoy a wood-chopping experience free of self-amputation
and also this goose with GOLDEN FEATHERS.”
So Dumplet has this gold goose now
which means there’s no way he’s going back to his shitty family
so instead he checks into the penthouse suite at a local inn.
There are three chicks who live there and there are greedy as fuck
so they see this gold goose in the stable
and they gotta try to steal feathers off it
but when the first one touches the goose she gets stuck to it
like brer rabbit gently caressing a way sexier tarbaby
and then the second sister touches her and gets stuck to her
and then the THIRD sister touches the SECOND sister
and now it’s like a non-consensual conga line in this barn
or else a g-rated human centipede with a goose for a head.
So Dumplet wakes up, checks out, and grabs his goose
totally failing to notice the three women attached to it
so he’s just dragging them across the countryside
going nowhere in particular
and along the way he picks up some random dude
and a local priest
and a couple of guys working in a field.
It’s getting to the point where this could maybe be a threat to national security
so of course the kid heads straight for the capitol
where the king has a hot daughter with no sense of humor
who he REALLY doesn’t want to marry off
as evidenced by the fact that he has promised to wed her to whoever can make her laugh
but then this dumbass shows up
with a goose govered in frantic women and religious authorities
and the princess loses her fucking shit
so the king thinks fast
and just demands a bunch of random impossible shit
all of which Dumplet accomplishes
using a combination of the forest hobo’s magic
and the forest hobo’s terrifyingly intense hunger
and then he gets to marry a princess
and torment a conga line of screaming vassals forever and ever.
The moral of the story is don’t pet wild animals.
Do give me money though.