My entire city is encased in ice right now
it’s like somebody dumped a big bucket of Hoth on us all at once
i went on a beer run with my buddy last night
and he jumped into a huge pile of snow
like taller than we were
and then we got to the liquor store
and he couldn’t find his wallet
YA THAT’S RIGHT
SNOW STOLE HIS WALLET
WHAT THE FUCK WINTER
YOU’RE NOT CONTENT JUST STEALING OUR JOY AND WARMTH
YOU GOTTA STEAL OUR ACTUAL MONEY TOO?
Or maybe my friend just didn’t wanna pay for booze
my friends are scoundrels.
Anyway all this snow makes me wanna tell a snowy myth.
I was gonna try and do one about wendigos
cause a couple of y’all expressed interest
but most wendigo stories are just like “AAAA SHIT A WENDIGO
so instead I’m gonna go back to an old favorite source:
this book of Angmagsalik nonsense that somebody mailed me a couple years ago
I don’t even remember who did that
but I love them.
Anyway this story is about a chick named Musatak.
Musatak has no man and no kids
which sounds sweet to me
but to Musatak it’s a serious issue
so instead of finding a husband or stealing some kids
she does the next best thing and adopts a fucking bear
which is just like
you’re already home alone
but now you’re home alone with a FUCKING BEAR
i mean i guess you’re not technically alone if there’s a bear there
but only because you’re WORSE THAN ALONE
for some reason though, the bear doesn’t eat Musatak
prolly because she is constantly feeding him blubber
and he fucking LOVES blubber
so this blubber-bear grows up and gets married
to a human woman
whom he impregnates
and then she gives birth to another bear
thus making blubber-bear way better at life than his foster mom
at least by the standards of this community
and let me just say
if your community prefers fucking actual bears to being single
maybe it is time to move.
Anyway the little bear gets older too
and pretty soon his dad is taking him hunting every day
except then they run into some other hunters
who are actual humans
and the bears are so used to chilling with humans
that they forget that humans are actually xenophobic assholes
so the humans kill the little bear and run away
and papa bear is like OH HELL NO
So he follows them back to their crib
and he climbs up on the roof
and just waits for dudes to come out
and every time they do, it’s just like THWAP
He kills TONS of people this way
until there’s only one guy left in the whole place:
THE ELDEST SON
so the eldest son ties a knife to the end of a stick
and when the bear tries to come into the house
to like piss on all the furniture and whatever
the kid just stabs the bear in the nuts
and the bear keeps coming
and the kid stabs him in the nuts again
until the bear is finally like “Ow my nuts”
and falls over
but he’s not dead
so the kid cuts him up
but he’s still not dead
so the kid boils him alive
but he’s still not dead
his soul is just hiding under the floor to keep cool
because that’s a thing souls do
and then the kid eats him
and the bear is in an INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF PAIN
but he is STILL ALIVE
his soul just chills out in the house for 3 days
until finally he’s like “What am I even doing here?
I’m a ghost now, I can do whatever i want”
so he flies back home to his foster mom
who has cried so much that her snot is dripping all the way onto the floor
it’s super gross.
there’s no minor victory for our bear hero or his weird mom
he just dies and gets eaten and she cries about it.
This is the kind of stories the Angmagsalik people seem to like
which just goes to show
that living in a state of endless winter
can sometimes be a little bit hard to
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOU GOODNIGHT
That was a wonderful mic drop at the end. Well played, sir.
Yep. That’s the only way this one could have ended.
And, given that ending, I will have tonkill myself. Well played, that was awesome.
No, no, if you think you should leave the community just because it prefers fucking actual bears to being single, you have not yet read the other myth in that book that explains what is outside of Greenland (Europeans) and where they come from.
This is relevant to my interests
Ovid, please educate us.
Yes, what Echo said. Pleeeeease
I believe it is “The origin of kavdlunaks, timerseks, and erkileks”, page 270.
It could have been worse, I though she’d be all ‘fuck bears’ (pun intended), and marry the dude, ’cause who gives a crap he killed my entire family right?
Did you highlight WORSE THAN ALONE cause it’s a good album or just cause you like emphasizing things