God: Male Chauvenist, or Just a Huge Asshole?

Dude this is so rad
thanks to all yall who sent me approximately eighteen hojillion requests
these will keep me entertained/busy for a while
BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN STOP SENDING REQUESTS
seriously
this shit cuts down on my research time
which is helpful because I am in school

so this particular myth
comes to us from this cool lady who helped me make chili in Syracuse one time
(that’s right guys
if you help me make chili you jump to the front of the line)
her name is MEGA BULLDOZER LIGHTNINGSTEIN
this story predates the bible
but it is sort of about stuff that happens in the bible
so I guess it is like
reverse fanfiction?
like maybe the whole bible is a massive labyrinthian product
of this myth’s fan forums?

OKAY
so you remember the book of Genesis, right?
that’s the one where there’s a garden
and Adam is in it
and then he’s bored so God makes him a sex slave out of one of his ribs
but hold on there, cowboy
because before Eve
there used to be a different chick
her name was Lilith
and she was not made out of anybody’s ribs except her own
because originally
when god was making people
he decided to just go for broke and make man and woman at the same time
both out of the same dirt
if you think about it, that makes a lot more sense than what he ended up doing
but see here’s the problem
when you are made out of the same constituent materials as somebody else
as opposed to one of their ribs
you start to harbor problematic delusions of equality
and this manifests itself pretty quickly
as an argument over what position Adam and Lilith are gonna have sex in
see Adam wants to do it missionary style
he honestly cannot see this shit happening any other way
and Lilith is like Adam honey
let me give you a lesson in body mechanics:
that is pretty much the worst way we could possibly choose to have sex
short of standing on our hands on top of a bed of hot coals
and at least that would be interesting
plus i don’t want to get dirt on my back
so i am afraid we are going to have to have some girl on top sex
and Adam is like FUCK NO BITCH GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR
and Lilith is like alright well if you’re gonna be deliberately bad at sex
there’s really no reason for me to hang out here anymore
peace
and then she abruptly flies away
and Adam is like aw dammit what am I gonna do now?
GODDDDDDD
and God is like WHAT?
and Adam is like LILITH RAN WAY AND SHE SAID I WAS DELIBERATELY BAD AT SEX
and God is like WELL FUCK THAT
HOW ABOUT THIS:
I WILL SEND SOME ANGELS TO LET HER KNOW THAT SHE CAN EITHER COME BACK
OR HAVE 100 OF HER CHILDREN DIE EVERY DAY
and Adam is like okay sounds good

so God sends some angels to go get Lilith
and when they find her she’s floating in the middle of the red sea
and the angels are like hey Lilith
are you gonna come back to the garden of Eden?
and Lilith says that depends
is Adam still gonna be really bad at sex?
and the angels are like yeah
probably
and Lilith is like well then no
and the angels are like WE’RE GONNA DROWN YOU IN THE SEA
and Lilith is like no you aren’t
come on
how about instead I become responsible for sudden infant death syndrome
but I add a special exclusionary clause
for kids who are wearing amulets with your faces on them?
and the angels are like well that does appeal to our egotism
SOLD
oh also 100 of your children have to die each day
and Lilith is like oh whatever
I plan on having MORE THAN ENOUGH SEX TO MAKE THAT WORTHWHILE
and the angels kind of shrug their shoulders and go home
and God makes Adam a new wife out of one of his ribs
this time without all the pesky free will
and that dumb skank proceeds to doom all of humankind forever
by eating an apple just because a snake told her to

so the moral of the story
is do not be hesitant to try new things in bed
the fate of the world may hang in the balance

THE END

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9 thoughts on “God: Male Chauvenist, or Just a Huge Asshole?

  1. Yay Lilith! I've always loved her. Which is probably a little wrong, but oh well. It kills me how many people don't know her story, or that she even exists.

  2. …And I'm on Bubble's team, Lilith has always been my favorite underdog non-canon child-slaughtering-ex-wife. Great retelling! XD

  3. Journey to the West might not count as a myth. I'm not sure, but I believe it was published as a book, and not really a story that some people believed to be true, even if they did believe in the existence of some of the more fantastic elements. Regardless of whether or not it normally qualifies, I can't say I wouldn't be interested in hearing about the adventures of Sun Wukong, and those are random people who hung out around him.

  4. "but see here's the problem
    when you are made out of the same constituent materials as somebody else
    as opposed to one of their ribs
    you start to harbor problematic delusions of equality"

    Ovid, If you'll make a t-shirt out of this, I'll totally buy it.

    It's funny 'cause it's true. This is also one of the main reasons why I am no longer a Christian.

    Peace be unto you,
    Californianinkansas

  5. Hey bro — Is Orlando Furioso too long/Italian to wade through? Because that is some seriously epically violently forest-ripping fury. Good stuff.

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