Goliath gets Stoned

so first of all
this is kinda short notice
but if you live in Chicago
and you like running screaming through the night
being chased by people pretending to be evil robots
that’s happening tomorrow
It’s called Journey to the End of the Night
and you can learn about it here

Second of all
I am still working on making a new run of shirts
but the screen I use to print them just ripped
so I have to make a new one
so be patient

THIRD OF ALL
it’s BIBLE TIME.

So there’s these dudes called the Philistines, right
I have never bothered to look up what their deal is in Isaac Asimov’s Guide to the Bible
but from context clues
their deal seems to be running around threatening the children of Israel
and having way too much skin wrapped around their penises.
so obviously this is a foolproof recipe for total war
and as our story begins, the army of the Philistines
is facing off against the army of the Israelites
except instead of just hauling off and nuking the shit out of each other
like REAL armies would
these dudes just sit on their little hills staring at each other
until finally the Philistines are like FUCK THIS
and they send out GOLIATH

Goliath
is
real big
he has a chest the size of two chests
and each of his arms could have had a successful solo career as a refrigerator
he is essentially hulk hogan wrapped in a life vest made of biceps
this guy
is LARGE.

So Goliath is just standing out there like YO
ISRAELITES
GONNA MAKE THIS REAL EASY FOR YOU GUYS:
IF ANY ONE OF YOU CAN KILL ME, WE WILL ALL SURRENDER TO YOU FOREVER
BUT IF I KILL ONE OF YOU INSTEAD, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THAT
THOSE ARE THE RULES
and everyone I think can agree
those are terrible rules
so the Israelites are up on their hill like Oh shit what do we do

ENTER DAVID
he’s the youngest son of a dude named Jesse
(when did everyone in the bible start having super normal names?)
and whereas all his older bros got to go be soldiers
David was stuck herding all his dad’s sheep
but then one day his dad is like Yo David
go take this bag of sandwiches to your brothers and find out what’s up
like with the war and whatever
so OFF HE GOES

so David shows up with a bag of sandwiches and a head full of gumption
just in time to find the entire nation of israel pissing its pants over Goliath’s abs
and he’s like YO FUCK THIS
WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET THE NATION OF ISRAEL TO STOP PISSING ITSELF AROUND HERE
and everyone is like uh
maybe kill Goliath?
in fact, I hear whoever kills goliath gets a bunch of sweet prizes
like for example the daughter of our general, Saul
and also no taxes forever
and David is like NO TAXES?!
HOLY SHIT, LET’S DO THIS.

So he goes over to Saul and he’s like Yo
I hear you have a giant problem
and where I come from
they call me the Giant Solution
(they are referring to my penis)
and Saul is like PISH POSH MY LAD
you are way too young to kill that guy
and David is like no fuck that
look at that guy
look at his dick
it’s got way too much skin on it for him to be dangerous
his boy is just smothering under all that foreskin there
how can you be deadly with a smothered johnson?
and Saul is like HM YES I BELIEVE YOU ARE CORRECT
BUT STILL YOU ARE ONLY A BOY
and David is like no look:
whatever
as a shepherd, I routinely have to chase down bears and punch them until they die
[SERIOUSLY NO JOKE THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS]
and this guy should go down just as easy
because lions and bears have plenty skin round their members
and this guy has AT LEAST that much
and Saul is like HM YES I SEE YOUR POINT
BUT AT LEAST TAKE SOME ARMOR
and David is like Nah
when I make bad decisions I like to make them all the way.

So david goes out to fight Goliath
and Goliath is like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
and David is like this, my friend
is called a projectile weapon
and then he throws a rock at Goliath and Goliath dies before he can even get over there
and David is like Now THAT
is the power of a dick that can really breathe.

so the moral of the story
is that nothing beats rock
good ol’ rock.

But you know, that’s not actually the end of David’s adventures
or his strange relationship to dick skin
remind me to tell you about that some other time, though
I’m sleepy.

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9 thoughts on “Goliath gets Stoned

  1. “IF ANY ONE OF YOU CAN KILL ME, WE WILL ALL SURRENDER TO YOU FOREVER
    BUT IF I KILL ONE OF YOU INSTEAD, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THAT
    THOSE ARE THE RULES”

    When I first read this in the bible, I thought I could pretty much tell what was going to happen. One versus One, David wins, no need for stupid bloodshed. Then this verse follows:
    “And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.” Stay classy Israel.

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