Green Eggs and Ham is About the Nature of Consent

So this guy is hanging out in his house
and then all of a sudden this tiny dude busts in
and he’s like YO MY NAME IS SAM
DID YOU HEAR ME
I SAID
MY NAME IS SAM
SAM, THAT’S ME
LEMME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU:
S as in SAM
A as in SAM WITHOUT THE S
M as in MY NAME IS SAM
and the other dude is like “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”
and Sam is like “Eat this green food I brought with me.”
and the guy is like “What?
no
ham is not supposed to be green
eggs are not supposed to be green
those things are clearly riddled with disease
I do not like to put diseases in my mouth
thank you Sam you may now leave.”

But Sam is not going to give up
because Sam is a relentless garbage-chef
instead he settles in for the long haul
in a house that is not his
and starts asking questions
he’s like “What if I put them in a house?”
and the dude is like “No we are already in a house”
and Sam is like “Okay what if I threw in a live rodent”
and the dude is like “Wow you somehow made moldy breakfast less appetizing
A+ job please go away”
but Sam is like “How about if I put them … inside a box?”
and the dude is like “You can put them wherever you want
as long as I don’t have to eat them”
and Sam is like “Okay okay
what if I paired them with a vicious forest dog
like a wolf or maybe a fox?”
and the dude is like “Please leave my home.”

So Sam sees that he’s not getting anywhere
and he leaves
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
Next day, this poor dude is crossing the street
when Sam shows up in a misshapen convertible
and tries to RUN HIM OVER
and then he’s like “WOULD YOU EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM IN A CAR?”
and the dude is like “YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO MURDER ME”
and Sam is like “WHAT ABOUT IN A TREE?”
and the dude is like “DON’T HIT A TREE YOU’LL KILL US BOTH
PLEASE STOP HARASSING ME
I DO NOT WANT YOUR SHITTY FOOD
I DON’T CARE HOW MANY SHITTY PRIZES YOU OFFER ME”

Then Sam goes eerily silent
he stops his car
and is deep in thought
the dude thinks maybe the nightmare is over
but he is not so lucky
an idiot grin slowly spreads across Sam’s face
he opens his hairy lips and screams:
“A TRAIN!
A TRAIN A TRAIN A TRAIN!!!!!”
and the dude is like “Are you even listening to me
who are you
why is it so important to you that I eat your trash food”
but Sam can’t hear him
Sam is lost in his own horrifying world.
The guy goes home that night and discovers that his power has been cut
Sam is waiting for him in the darkness
like, “How about now?
It’s dark
you can’t even tell what color the ham is.”
the guy screams and runs
but Sam follows him on tiny, gnarled feet
offering a goat, or a ride on his yacht
if he will only nibble on these festering morning treats.
He chases the poor man all through town
until finally the man can take no more
he turns to Sam and yells “FINE
YOU WIN
I’LL EAT YOUR DAMN COMPOST
ANY AMOUNT OF MEDICAL BILLS IS BETTER THAN THIS”
he kneels before Sam
who triumphantly skewers a rubbery green egg on a fork
and places it on the man’s outstretched tongue.
It tastes like burnt plastic dipped in bad milk
and yet he smiles
he realizes that he loves his tormentor
Sam only wants the best for him, after all
he will happily eat whatever this tiny shitty man offers him
he will dine with vermin, livestock and wild dogs
he will eat hot garbage on boats and in cars, in houses and in boxes
he will live in the dark
slurping up whatever congealed slime Sam sees fit to offer him.
it will truly be
a paradise.

The moral of the story
is that the way to a man’s heart
is through relentless psychological torture
i mean his stomach

the end

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12 thoughts on “Green Eggs and Ham is About the Nature of Consent

    • He has not, if memory serves.

      Also, he is much more likely to take up requests if you can actually furnish him with a copy of the source material.

      Maybe post a link, if you want it done.

  1. My three-year-old son loves this book, and I’ve probably read it a hundred times. So, for the sake of my sanity, thank you for this. Because FUCK YOU, SAM, HE SAID NO

  2. Many years ago, Moxy Fruvous created a truly brilliant unauthorized beat-rendition of Green Eggs and Ham. (Look it up; you won’t regret it.) One of its members, Jian Ghomeshi, went on to become a radio host accused of scandalous sexual improprieties. Hmm.

  3. Dr. MasSeuss was like that. My dad “accidentally lost” our copy of “Hop on Pop” after it taught us that the appropriate way to wake your father up in the morning is with a flying knee to the belly.

  4. Dr. Suess was in the Army, I am in the Army. When we go to the field we get our breakfast in these terrible, semi-insulated and ginormous plastic boxes with three metal holding containers arranged inside that hold eggs, ham and bacon. By the time this “food” has reached the Soldiers, it is most definitely green. A kind of nasty puky green. I’m absolutely convinced that this weird phenomena inspired this story.

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