going kinda crazy getting ready for Gen Con
so let’s keep this quick:
So Robin Hood has been being a criminal for a while at this point
and getting away with it
and the king of England
(who in this story is named Richard
and actually has a legit claim to the throne
which makes Robin Hood look less like a cool rebel
and more like just a straight up criminal BUT WHATEVER)
is like “damn
how is this guy continually shitting in the milk of all my tax collectors?
could it be that my tax collectors LIKE having their milk shat in?
is my selection process somehow skewed towards shitmilk enthusiasts?
or is Robin Hood just a really dope dude who would be great to party with?
Occam’s razor suggests that option b is the correct one
but how can I be sure?
I’ll disguise myself as the one thing Robin Hood hates more than me:
and then I’ll go hit him up with a bunch of other fake priests
in the middle of his home turf
and then not get murdered and robbed by a band of career highwaymen!
and all of his advisors are like
so Robin Hood is chilling in his baller forest mansion
getting yet another sick neck tat
when one of his boys runs up and is like “HEY
THERE’S A BUNCH OF PRIESTS UP IN OUR WOODS”
and Robin Hood jumps up like “HO-LEE SHIT
LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA HAVE TO FINISH THIS SWEET NECK TAT LATER
THIS IS LIKE MURDER CHRISTMAS”
then he throws on a pair of roller blades and skates off to meet them.
So the king and all his dudes are walking along
when suddenly Robin Hood hits a sick ramp and does a flip in front of them
and then he’s like “STOP
STOP BEING PRIESTS IN MY WOODS
AND START BEING DUDES GIVING ME MONEY”
and king Richard is like “No dude you misunderstand
we are here to see Robin Hood
we are messengers from King Richard!”
and Robin Hood
who is not nearly as bad at seeing through disguises as everybody else
is like “Uh … huh.
Boy, that sure changes things!
I sure do like the king!
Hey, I bet you guys dig parties, right?
Come party with me, it will be great.”
And that’s what they do
they party ALL NIGHT LONG
they drink so much wine
they eat so much food
Richard is seriously impressed
it’s almost like Robin Hood isn’t giving all his ill-gotten gains to the poor
and is instead spending it on wild parties to bribe government officials
Anyway pretty soon Richard is like “Dude I am so hammered
I love you, Robin Hood
what do you say I get you a pardon from the king
will you come work for me I mean him in that case?”
and Robin Hood is like “I SURE WILL DUDE.”
and Richard is like “Great.
I’m actually king Richard”
and Robin Hood is like “WHOA I HAD NO IDEA.
I WAS JUST THROWING YOU A HUGE PARTY BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT
NOT OUT OF SELF-INTEREST OR ANYTHING
anyway thanks for the pardon
let’s go rub it in the Sheriff’s face.”
Then they go into town and eat all the Sheriff’s food
and there’s nothing the Sheriff can do
and then Robin goes to the capitol to pursue what was obviously his true calling all along:
the moral of the story is that lobbying is older than hygiene.
Judging by how most lobbying is done, hygiene is a pretty new idea indeed.
Also: shitmilk enthusiast is definitely my new favorite insult.
Occam’s razor would have picked option A, and you’d totally think that too if you met many tax collectors. Those bastards shave with occam’s garrotte some mornings.
But cool story bro.