Hera is Such a Bitch

Shirts almost done
I stabbed myself in the hand while whittling a stamp to do the back parts
I GAVE MY BLOOD FOR YOU

ok so anyway Bacchus right

he had some PR problems starting out
like how his dad Zeus had to hide him in his crotch while he was gestating
and how no one would believe he was a god until he actually TORE THEM APART
but at this point in the story he has put all that shit behind him
everyone pretty much agrees that he is a god
and that if he is not then it is probably safer to say he is
because everyone likes having their skin on their bodies

but WHAT’S THIS
i guess hera is still pissed off about zeus’s infidelity
but i mean she can’t really do anything to Zeus directly
because
you know what actually I have no idea
I guess there’s a code or something
anyway she figures the next best thing is fucking over Dionysis’s aunt Ino
his only surviving aunt
pretty sure Hera already killed all the others

so what she does is she goes down to hades
and Cerberus is all like ARF x3
and sisyphus and ixion and tantalus are all chilling out downt here
and so are the furies
so Hera goes over to the furies
who are busy COMBING LIVE SNAKES OUT OF THEIR HAIR
their hair is not made out of snakes it seems
rather
they just have hygiene problems
anyway Hera is like DRIVE INO CRAZY
and the fury conveniently named MADNESS is all yeah ok
and then she flies over to ino’s crib
where she is chilling with her husband and 2 beautiful kids
and she is all like SNAKES SNAKES SNAKES
like snakes are crawling all over her body
and then she puts snakes on them
and then i guess they just stand there while she smears all this other shit on them
like hemlock and blood and smurfberries or whatever
and then BIG SURPRISE
they are crazy

so the first thing Ino’s husband does
is he just snatches his son out of Ino’s arms
and FLINGS HIM TOP SPEED INTO A WALL
WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION STATUS
at which point Ino
who remember
is ALSO crazy
grabs her other kid
runs top speed out of her palace
and jumps off the nearest cliff
all like FUUUUUUCK THIIIIIISSSSSS

so but Venus kinda feels bad
because this is objectively shitty
so she’s like yo poseidon
remember when i just used to be some jizzfoam inside your kingdom?
i figure you owe me a favor because of that
so could you turn Ino and her kid into gods?
and Poseidon is like sure
but i’m gonna change their names and what they look like and everything
so really it’s just like i’m making some gods from scratch but whatever

but then Ino’s handmaidens don’t know this
they’re just standing on the cliff like FUCK
HERA MAYBE YOU TOOK YOUR ANGER A LITTLE TOO FAR HUH?
MAYBE YOU HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS?
and hera’s like I’LL TEACH YOU TO TELL ME I HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS
and she turns them to stone
yayyyyy

so the moral of the story
is just stay the FUCK away from Hera

THE END.

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17 thoughts on “Hera is Such a Bitch

  1. I am an English teacher in Mississippi – I find it nearly impossible not to recommend this to all my students, but I’m pretty sure some parents wouldn’t approve.

    While I know they are not myths, per say, have you ever considered recapping Shakespeare?

  2. A-men! Hera might as well be the goddess of bitchery. I'm reading an abridged version of the Aeneid to my 6th grade Latin students right now, and they're all like, "Why is Juno so mean?!"

    I really wish you could do PG versions so I could read them to my students, since I'd probably get fired otherwise, but then your myths wouldn't be nearly as amusing!

    Anyway, keep up the fantastic work! I'd suggest a favorite Greco-Roman myth, but I feel like you've done 'em all. Although… Livy's Ab Urbe Condita could be a good source of primitive Roman history.

  3. since you're going mainly greek here, i assume you mean dionysus instead of bacchus. and aphrodite instead of venus. BUT GOOD JOB OTHERWISE THREE THUMBS UP

  4. I like the names that you enjoy typing, too, but you have a very fickle opinion on which one you prefer to type.

    For example, you said Bacchus (Wow! You're right! That IS fun to type!) in the second paragraph (stanza?) and Dionysis in the fourth.

    Venus was alright, though.

  5. @Ovid "I use the names that I like typing."

    That is not how typing works, mister.

    I would also like to see some Roman numeral outlining around here. And clean up the place; there are cats and snakes lying EVERYWHERE.

    /Mother's Day

  6. You guys know, if you really want to read these to classes, you can censor them yourselves? I mean, it doesn't take much to just switch out swears for inoffensive equivalents and maybe just cut out a sentence here or there without losing any meaning.

  7. The one or two recorded times that Hera actually does stand up to Zeus, he ends up turning into a rather abusive asshole, and no one chooses to defend her. At all. So, targeting Zeus when you’re pissed off at Zeus, not really an option.

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