Here’s Why Hera is Such a Bitch

Oh gods I’m so sorry

I spent all this time going on about what a huge bitch Hera is
and granted
she IS a huge bitch
but I never even stopped to consider
that there might be a REASON for her excessive bitchery
WELL TODAY I DID SOME RESEARCH AND GUESS WHAT I LEARNED

so Zeus chops off his dad’s balls and throws them in the ocean, right?
that part of the story is pretty well known
also gross
but see the next thing Zeus does after that stunning display of pure class
is go hit up his twin sister Hera
YEP
THAT’S RIGHT
HERA IS TOTALLY ZEUS’S SISTER
bet you didn’t see that coming
oh wait it’s a greek myth
I forgot that EVERYONE IS HAVING INCEST ALL THE TIME

but actually, the incest in this case is not immediate
see Zeus hits up Hera and he’s like yo honeynipples
I heard a rumor that you have some kind of a hole I can put my penis in
so I came to do some fact-checking
ALL NIGHT LONG
and Hera is like Zeus that has got to be the worst pickup line I have ever heard
and I grew up with you, even
because remember
I’M YOUR FUCKING SISTER
and Zeus is like “more like my FUCKING sister, am i right?”
and hera is like ew no

so Zeus has to get crafty
but Zeus is not a very crafty guy
he is the god of lightning, not good ideas
so he decides to stick with his old standby
of turning into adorable animals and then fucking the shit out of people
so he disguises himself as a bedraggled-ass Cuckoo
and airswims all the way up to Hera’s tits and gets busy with the nestling
and Hera is like aw so adorable
lemme just let my guard down real quick
and the Zeus is like BOOM
YALL JUST GOT SEXED
HAHA I PRANK-SEXED YOU SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED
and Hera’s like aw dammit bro

so they get married
and first of all their honeymoon lasts for THREE HUNDRED YEARS
that is not a honeymoon
that is a honeyMILLENIUM
i imagine even endless pornstar sex in the bahamas would get old after 300 years
and Zeus is the god of lightning so i doubt he is the greatest at intercourse
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
anyway Hera finally manages to extricate herself from this interminable honeymoon
and proceeds to dedicate one day out of every year
to taking a bath SO INTENSE
that it RESTORES HER VIRGINITY
not just because she is incredibly ashamed of her terrible marriage
but also because she can seemingly become pregnant for ANY REASON AT ALL
one time she touches a flower
BAM
ARES AND ERIS
another time she touches some LETTUCE
BLAZOW
HERE COMES HEBE
another time she doesn’t touch ANYTHING AT ALL
AND STILL MANAGES TO GIVE BIRTH TO HEPHAESTUS
and then Hephaestus finds out about it
and proceeds to CLAMP HIS MOTHER TO A FUCKING MECHANICAL TORTURE CHAIR
UNTIL HE IS SATISFIED THAT SHE IS NOT LYING ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIS BIRTH
so yeah anyone would be a little bitter after all this shit
not to mention that the period immediately after their 300 year honeymoon
is a period of greek history known as
“The Era Where Zeus Saturated Every Living Thing With His Electric Jizz”
seriously
He fucks Themis and produces the seasons and the fates
he fucks Mnemosene NINE TIMES and produces the muses
his mother gets pissed off and warns him about too much fucking
and Zeus is like GODS HELP ME MOTHER
IF YOU WARN ME ABOUT SEX ONE MORE TIME I WILL TURN INTO A SNAKE AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU
so then that happens
oh yeah also he probably fathered Persephone
woo

so naturally Hera is maybe MORE than a little upset about all this
BUT THAT IS NOT EVEN ALL THE SHIT THAT IS GETTING SERVED UP
IN THIS ELEVEN COURSE GOURMET SHIT DINNER
because see one day Hera and the other gods finally get fed up with Zeus’s dickery
and decide it would be awesome to tie him up while he’s asleep
and hide his lightning bolts
pretty solid plan so far
but so Zeus wakes up like I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU
and the gods are like dude you’re totally tied up
we took the liberty of tying A HUNDRED KNOTS in that rope
now we’re gonna go over here and argue about who gets to be king
don’t escape or anything ok?

so while the gods are arguing Thetis gets really nostalgic for Zeus’s wang
but she can’t really bone him properly because he is all knotted the hell up
and not in a sexy way
Hera made SURE of that
so she goes and gets this dude Briareus
who happens to have EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED HANDS
and he busts into the room
instantly unties the knots using all his hands at once
and then is never heard from again because he exists only for this purpose apparently
and then Zeus is like RRRR HERA FUCK YOU
and he chains her to the fucking sky
with gold shackles around her wrists and ANVILS STAPLED TO HER FEET
and all the gods are like ok zeus we’ll be good we promise
and Zeus is like DAMN RIGHT
NOW WHERE’S MY DAY PLANNER
I THINK I MAY HAVE TO DOUBLE UP ON ADULTERY FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS

so the moral of the story
is think twice before you call someone a bitch
maybe they were stapled to the sky by an adulterous sky-jerk
after three-hundred years of terrible sex
and many more years of violent infidelity and unprovoked pregnancies.
probably not though
probably they are just a huge bitch.

THE END.

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27 thoughts on “Here’s Why Hera is Such a Bitch

  1. Being the monogamous goddess of marriage while married to to a bestiality-favoring whorebag like Zeus has to SUCK. Thank you for finally telling the other side of the story….

  2. I think you have the Zeus ball chopping debacle confused. It was Cronus who cut off Ouranos balls, and then swallowed all of his children born from his sister Rhea, except little Zeus, cause Rhea was sick of her children being eaten, so she switched out a stone on Cronus, until Zeus was all growed up, and came forced some oil of Ipecac (god formula) down Cronus until he vomited up all of his siblings and the rock, and then kicked Cronus ass alongside his siblings.

  3. …fuck. You made me have sympathy for Hera. I mean, I've never been a big fan of either Hera or Zeus (not a big fan of jealous monogamy OR rape), but…yeah. Sympathy for Hera. I never thought I'd see the day.

    • That does make me understand Hera better; however none of this excuses the way she treats Zeus’s bastards.

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  5. Actually, Hera DID touch something and get knocked up with Hephaestus. And by “touch” I mean “had sex with” and by “something” I mean “Zeus in a rare moment of marital intercourse”.

    By one account, Hephaestus was born with a clubfoot (possibly due to being an incestbaby, but the Greek myths are inconsistent about the consequences of divine incestbabyings), so Hera chucked him out of Olympus for being imperfect, and he made the magic chair to punish her for rejecting him. In another account, Hephaestus attempted to intervene when Zeus was trying to bone Hera again, and Zeus was the one who punted him. In either case, Hephaestus got all busted up because of his terminal-velocity swan-dive.

    • Also another version on a book I had, was that he got his foot fucked up after Hera threw him from Olympus because he was ugly as hell. Later he “served” her the chair as a revenge.

      Source: I’m Greek, that should do.

  6. I’d be profoundly more sympathetic to Hera if her bag of tricks was limited to “making Zeus’ life a living hell for his inability to avoid screwing everything with a pulse” as opposed to ” trying to murder everyone who was subjected to Zeus’ polyform attempts to screw everything in sight as well as any children that resulted from said attempts.” I have to admit that the best part of the recent Hercules movie starring The Rock was (spoilers from this point on) was seeing the “realistic” version of Hercules reducing Hera’s statue to rubble and pulping her evil worshippers in the bargain. 🙂

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  8. Thank you for writing some of Hera’s side! She’s not completely terrible, and if you look at things from her point of view she becomes kind of a tragic character.

  9. Awesome story! Thank you for that! I stumbled upon your site googleing “why was Hera such a bitch” and you cleared it perfectly 🙂
    Namaste.

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