Midir is a Player

Today’s myth comes courtesy of professional storyteller/wizard Joshua Safford
(and he told it to me in words, out loud
so if I misspell any of the names, sorry)
and it is about hustlin

So there’s this dude Midir
he’s like a grand master at chess
don’t worry, that’ll be important later
what’s important right now
is that Midir is getting mega freaky with this fairy named Etain
which is great
i mean, fairy tail is the best tail there is
but what’s not so great
is that Midir
is MARRIED
to the QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
the queen is named Fuanach
and she is basically the Hera to Fuanach’s Zeus

so obviously Fuanach figures out what’s going on
and she does what any concerned spouse would do under the circumstances
she calls her wizard, Tamburlaine, and tells him to kill Etain
and Tamburlaine is like WHOAH, HEY
I am NOT going back to jail
plus fairies are invincible or some shit
the best I can do
is turn Etain into a butterfly
and then chuck a typhoon at her
and Fuanach is like SOLD

So Midir is putting his mouth all over Etain
but then he goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water
and when he comes back
HIS CONCUBINE IS AN INSECT
AND WINDSTORMS ARE HAPPENING
so he gets the fuck out of there as fast as he can
and Etain is about to get crushed by flying pieces of masonry
when KA-KAWWW
here comes an eagle, rescuing her shit
but this is no ordinary eagle, my friends
this eagle is the servant of ANGUS
GOD OF LOVE
wait, seriously?
You are the god of love
and your name is ANGUS?
Guys
the name Angus
is about as sexy as a crotchful of stale mac n cheese
if your name is Angus and you are reading this
i mean no offense
because i am sure that YOU know better
than to label yourself the GOD OF LOVE

So angus has this butterfly now
and he’s like what the fuck do i do with this
oh I know, i’ll break the curse
but the problem is that there’s some weird rule
that says you can only break curses in half
so now Etain is a hot fairy chick half the time
and a butterfly the other half of the time
so half the year Angus just shags the shit out of her
because remember
GOD OF LOVE
and the other half of the time he keeps her in a cardboard box
because remember
ANGUS

and for some reason Etain is not really down with this
so she escapes from the cardboard box
cause Angus didn’t even put any tape on it or anything
and she flies back down to earth
and into a cup of wine
that gets drank by this dude Eochaid
who then gets frisky with his wife
who gets pregnant
and gives birth
to ETAIN
HOLY SHIT BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DRINK WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO CONCEIVE

so word gets around that this hot chick
(who looks exactly like Etain)
has just been born (fully grown?) to Eochaid
and Midir hears about this
and clearly has not had enough of his wife’s wrath
so he just heads straight over to Eochaid’s house
like HEY BRO I HEAR YOUR DAUGHTER’S A BABE
WANNA PLAY CHESS?
and Eochaid is like HELLL YEAH
at which point Midir begins what is to be
THE SINGLE GREATEST CHESS HUSTLE OF ALL TIME

he starts throwing games
like “Aww man i’m normally not this bad
double or nothing?”
night after night
and every night
while Eochaid contemplates freshly dope strategies
Midir sneaks around to Etain’s window
to tickle on her heart strings with his sexy guitar licks
until finally one day Midir gets sick of losing
and he straight hands Eochaid his ass
and Eochaid is like “double or nothing?”
and Midir is like NO
GIVE ME A GIFT
and Eochaid is like sure
what do you want?
and Midir is like I want to make out with your daughter
and Eochaid is like oh ok
just give me a week to get her ready

so he gets her ready alright
he gets her ready by surrounding her with a fortress
and a whole metric cockblock’s worth of guards
but Midir is a fairy
fairies give less than no fucks about stuff like this
so he just swoops into Etain’s room
gargles her tonsils for a bit
and his tongue is so exquisitely acrobatic
that it magically restores Etain’s memories of all their previous sexytimes
and they go back to fairyland
for further adultery and nonsense

So the moral of the story
is that the real threat to the sanctity of marriage
is magical fairy powers

THE END

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