HORSECOCK

Alright guys
you keep showing up in droves
(especially yesterday thanks to cracked again
and the fucking huffington post
also this crocheting forum called ravelry
what the fuck thank you guys)
so I have to keep making announcements
first off, do you guys like shirts?
I know sometimes I have problems being clothed
and when those problems happen it is good to have shirts
see i had this idea:
I could make some shirts with the morals of some of the myths on them
like the moral of this one or this one
and maybe you would like those?
let me know,
and also let me know what morals you would like if you would like any

secondly you guys should show up tomorrow
because I am going to start doing a video retelling
of THE BOOK OF EXODUS
because god-like hero Anne “The Man” Murderfist gave me money

SO TODAY’S MYTH
is courtesy of this dude Cavalorn
you don’t know it but he’s basically the reason most of you know about my blog
AND HIS MYTH IS ABOUT A HORSECOCK

So Norway right

there is this family living there
it is a family of truly fucked up individuals
there is a mommy and a daddy
and a boy and a girl
and two slaves
because it is still cool to have slaves in the 14th century
and also a dog
the dog and one of the slaves are not that fucked up but everyone else is
HERE’S WHY
so one day the family’s horse dies
and they are pretty hungry so they are like well let’s eat this
so the slave guy skins it
and he cuts off its meatpole and is about to throw it away
like a normal person would do
EVERYBODY WITH ME SO FAR?
GOOD
so the son goes ahead and STEALS IT
it being the horsecock
WHY WOULD YOU STEAL A HORSECOCK
IT’S NOT PARTICULARLY UNCOMMON OR VALUABLE
IT’S HUGE AND UNWIELDY TO CARRY
AND
IT’S A FUCKING HORSECOCK
apparently the answer is:
so he can harass his female relatives with it
he runs into the house like HEY LADIES
LOOK AT THIS HERE HORSECOCK
I BET YOU WANT TO STUFF THIS IN YOUR VAGINAS
SHIT GUYS I WOULD STUFF IT IN MY VAGINA IF I HAD A VAGINA
BUT I DON’T SO THERE YOU GO
and the slave girl thinks this is funny as shit actually
the sister thinks this is pretty messed up
and the mom thinks this is a GENUINE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
so she confiscates the horsecock
and she dries it in herbs and shit
and she MAKES IT HER NEW GOD
in fact every day before they go to sleep
she makes the whole family sit around in the circle
and everyone has to hold the horsecock
and recite a verse over it
and because of all these verses
and also because of the POWER OF SATAN
the horsecock grows to an even more unreasonable size
and gains the ability to STAND UP ON ITS OWN
although honestly
a penis having the ability to stand up on its own
is not really cause for alarm
it is really more of a cause for sex
or shame
or both
remember this is a christian myth

so obviously word gets around
that this family has a sweet new dick-shaped diety living in their house
and eventually words gets all the way around
to this dude King Olaf
this super christian monarch who is going around fucking up heathens
and he hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
PEOPLE CAN WORSHIP HORSE BONERS NOW?
UNACCEPTABLE
IF WE ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE
PEOPLE WILL BE JUST HARVESTING SWATHES UPON SWATHES
OF EQUINE KIELBASA
WE WILL HAVE A SERIOUS HORSEDICK SHORTAGE ALL UP IN THIS LAND
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WITHOUT HORSECOCKS HOW CAN HORSES AIM THEIR PEE
THERE WILL BE HORSE PISS EVERYWHERE
IT WILL BE A DISASTER
this must be stopped

so Olaf gets a couple of his buddies
and they all go over to this family’s house
and they just walk in the front door
and sit down in the living room
and eventually the sister comes in and she is like um hey
who the fuck are you guys
and Olaf is like my name is Grimnir
and his buddies are like oh err
we are ALSO Grimnir
3X CLEVER COMBO
and the chick is like oh ok cool
lemme get my family i think it’s about time to worship the horsecock

so everyone comes in
and they all sit down
to pass this swollen member around
like a game of hot potato
but with less potatoes
more poetry
and also you are holding a horsecock
so basically ADVANCED hot potato
and the game goes a little something like this:

the wife is like BOY DO I LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the husband is like I SURE DO NOT LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the son is like HAHA THIS IS A PENIS THAT’S STILL FUNNY
and the daughter is like FUCK YOU BRO
and the slave guy is like I WOULD LIKE BREAD BUT INSTEAD I HAVE THIS HORSECOCK
and the slave girl is like OH MAN IF I WAS ALONE WITH THIS HORSECOCK
and Olaf’s dudes are like I’VE BEEN HANDED SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT THIS WINS
and then Olaf is like YEAH I’M PRETTY MUCH JUST GONNA FEED THIS TO THE DOG
BAM
and then the dog eats it

and the wife is like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
and Olaf is like what
i thought i was supposed to hand the horsecock to the next member of the family
do you not consider the dog to be part of your family?
RACIST
oh by the way I’m king Olaf and you should convert to christianity
and the wife is like no way
and God shows up like you fucking better or i’ll cut you
and the wife is like CHRISTIANITY HOORAY
and no one has to worship a horsecock ever again

So the moral of the story

is next time you are picking an object to worship
a good question to ask yourself is
would a dog eat this?
if the answer is yes then you need to do some thinking

The end.

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17 thoughts on “HORSECOCK

  1. I was gonna vote for "no matter how crafty you are
    eventually your friends will figure shit out
    and douse your eyes with poison
    so maybe you should be nice to your friends sometimes" but I gotta say this last one takes the cake.

  2. MUST HAVE

    i hope that i am a good enough writer
    that one day
    dwarves will murder me
    and drink my blood for wisdom

    I know a lot of folks that would die happily after getting one…

  3. My votes for morals on shirts: "if you run into a god
    either don't piss them off
    or piss them off AS HARD AS YOU CAN"

    "when it comes to having kids
    it is not quantity that is important
    but whether your kids can kill everyone else's kids"

    "unless you can play your instrument with your head ripped off
    and your arms and skin missing
    you are not a real musician"

    and my favorite:
    "if at first you don't succeed
    try crossdressing"

  4. god is gonna get you
    on a technicality
    and turn you into some kind of seasoning
    and then i am going to use you on my eggs

    also, not a moral but so effing fabulous, is this:

    DO YOU HAVE A CRISIS?
    YES
    DID THE GIANTS DO IT?
    NO?
    LOKI DID IT.

    GET LOKI TO SOLVE YOUR CRISIS

    also also:

    so the moral of the story is
    when life kills your dad
    kill a mutant asshole with a magic spear
    and i guess make … lemonade with his blood?

    i'm positive i'll find some more. thank you very much.

  5. LOL!

    Actually, I *do* know that Cavalorn is responsible for me knowing about this blog. I got the word directly from him, and have since had the husband wondering why I'm laughing and crying at the same time and gasping things like "Horsecock!"

  6. I'm going to second Beth's vote on the crossdressing.

    Guys. My first myth here was This One, and it is still my favourite. I cannot help myself. It is so damn fucking awesome.

  7. Thanks for the seconding, Evie. (Beka…whatever) You introduced me to this blog with that myth and I thank you every time I'm laughing so hard I choke on my food or drink. (really should stop reading this blog during lunch/dinner…)

  8. Also here directly via Cavalorn — and you are a deathless bard, sir!

    I'm also up for some morals t-shirts! This one is probably too long, but it kills me every time:

    so the moral of the story
    is that apparently women ARE currency
    but be careful
    try and purchase a sandwich with its equivalent dollar value in women
    and what you may end up with is CEASELESS WARS

  9. Not a moral, but I vote for:

    "bitch you could not find a vagina on me if you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH
    SHIT WOULD GROW BACK
    THAT IS HOW MANLY I AM"

    Also, that one moral about not accepting gifts from chicks with agendas

  10. Um … Dude – St. Olaf lived in the 11th century, not the 14th. That's a rocking story rehash, but get the century right or you look like a tool. You're not a tool, right?

  11. I'm rather fond of the moral that goes something like "statutory rape is ok as long as you statutory rape a serial murderer"

    …or something like that…i don't feel like copy pasting…

  12. just thought I’d tell you
    the move seems to have broken
    some of your links, man

    the Rip van Winkle
    and the one that’s about boats
    neither of them work

    so you might want to
    get your links looked at sometime
    and redirects, too

  13. My favorite moral:
    “so the moral of the story
    is sometimes actions have consequences
    but that only matters
    if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS”
    :)

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