How About Some Subtlety, Apaches?

This myth was brought to my attention by furious drunken brawler extraordinaire
Miller “The Champagne of Dropkicks” Asswhuppensteinn
It is a coming of age story

So this is one of those myths where I almost don’t even need to retell it
I could just copy and paste it
maybe find and replace to swap all instances of “and” for “fucktits”
and i could pass it off as something I just made up

but so there’s this house full of vaginas, right?
yup
big ol’ house just stuffed full of vaginas
they have actually got vaginas hanging on the walls
thick as wallscrolls in an otaku’s cave
this is the quintessential tunaparty
tacofest
clambake
cervical circus
this place is lousy with vaginas is what I’m saying
but the lousiest vaginas of all
are these four girls
called the vagina girls
because as it turns out
they are actually just giant vaginas
giant shapeshifting vaginas that look like girls
oh also
there are no vaginas anywhere else on earth at this point
this place is essentially the fort knox of vagina
except the security team is actually just one guy
or actually a monster
named Kicking Monster
whose MO is to roll up on any poor asshole who enters the vicinity
and kick him INTO THE HOUSE
that is not how guards work usually
but hey
no one who gets kicked into the house ever leaves
so Kicking Monster must be doing something right

so this goes on for a while
and even despite kicking monster
dudes are lining up around the block to take a crack at this vagina house
because let me reiterate
this is a house full of vaginas
and not just a house
THE house
that would be like if someone took all the
well
uh
it would be like if someone took all the vaginas in the world and put them in a house
i don’t know how to make it any clearer than that

so dudes keep getting killed mysteriously
or at least disappearing
until finally this one badass rolls up
named Killer-Of-Enemies
I tell you, man
these Apaches cut right to the chase with their names
and Killer of enemies takes it upon himself to fix this vagina problem
so he kicks kicking monster in the nuts and he busts into the house
and here come the four beautiful vagina girls like OH MY GOD TAKE US NOW
WE LIKE SEX AND THAT’S NO LIE
and Killer-Of-Enemies is like hm
that is a tempting offer
but first I gotta ask you ladies
what happened to all the dudes who got kicked in here?
and the vagina girls are like oh
we ate them
with our vaginas
which are also our whole bodies
and are full of thousands of incredibly sharp teeth
that’s kind of what we do
and Killer-of-Enemies is like WHAT
THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A VAGINA
look ladies
I’m totally down for some frisky sexin’
but first you gotta take these drugs I brought with me
and the vagina girls are like FREE DRUGS?
COUNT US IN
so Killer-of-Enemies feeds these girls sour berries
which are actually just a ton of rohypnol and ecstacy
and also some kind of tooth-decaying powder to remove their unpleasant vag teeth
and the vagina girls are like OH MY GOD THIS SEX FEELS SO GOOD
and Killer-of-Enemies is like dang girl I ain’t even banged you yet
and then later he totally bangs them
right in their domesticated vaginas
and it’s great
everyone is very happy for him
and I guess he probably distributes the loose assorted vaginas amongst the people
and no one has to deal with unsightly vagina teeth or women’s rights ever again

so the moral of the story
is that people who live in vagina houses
should not get stoned

THE END
THE END.

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7 thoughts on “How About Some Subtlety, Apaches?

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