Whiskey Jack and the Flying Butt

Guys this myth is totally real I swear
like I found it in a book and whatnot
yes I know the title is a little suspicious
but this is coming from the people who brought you the vagina house
so you’re gonna have to just go with it:

So Wisakedjak grows up in a pretty normal nuclear family.
I mean, normal inasmuch as he has one mom, one dad, and one little bro.
What is abnormal about this family
is that every day, the dad goes out hunting
and the mom goes down to the lake to get sexed up by snakes.
Now, it’s only a matter of time before Dad figures out what’s going on
probably because his wife keeps hissing during orgasm
if she even has orgasms
which is a legitimate question because what kind of sexually satisfied woman
goes out cruising for snake-booty
and then the other legitimate question
is where is the booty on a snake?
there is pretty much no part of a snake that you could call a butt
I mean i imagine poop comes out somewhere
unless they’re like hummingbirds
but my friends
there is a very large difference between a butt
and a BOOTY
so I guess my problem is
how do you objectively judge the sexiness of a particular snake?
are you just like “oh man
look at those cold lifeless eyes and skinny ineffectual tongue
hey cobra commander
why don’t you come on over here and pass some of my aromatic particles to your vomeronasal cavity
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
These are the sorts of thoughts that this woman’s husband does not have
because he is too busy freaking out that his wife is getting sexed up by snakes.

so what he does is he goes down to the lake when his wife’s not around
and he kills all the snakes, and chops them up
and makes them into soup and takes them back home and FEEDS THEM TO HIS WIFE.
Then he cuts off her head
tells his children to run away
and ASCENDS TO HEAVEN.
This is probably history’s most eventful divorce.

But apparently getting decaptiated didn’t used to kill you in ancient times.
Because what Momma does then, is she gets FURIOUS that her husband is leaving her
so she tears off her butt
and sends it flying after him to go bring him back
but her ass is too fat, so it can’t catch up with him
and meanwhile she sends her head rolling after her fleeing children
like “Come back, kids. I want to suckle you with my boobs.”
And the kids are like “You can’t fool us, you’re just a head.
Heads don’t have boobs!
We are babies! We know about boobs, ok”
Then they grab onto a heron and fly across a river
and the mom tries to do the same thing
but the heron just picks her up and drops her into the river, like a dick
and then she turns into sturgeon
which makes me a lot less excited about eating that kind of fish.

Anyway, Wisakedjak manages to calm his little brother down
after what is admittedly QUITE A FIASCO
and then he immediately abandons him to go kill a bunch of monsters
and while he is off doing that
his little brother turns into a wolf for some reason
and then gets kidnapped and skinned by water snakes
and his skin gets hung in the doorway of their tent.
Of course, when Wisakedjak hears about this he is none too pleased
so he uses all of his accumulated monster-killing skills to bust in and kill the chief of the water snakes
who then get REAL pissy and cause the world to flood
which is yet ANOTHER reason why that might have happened.

So the moral of the story
is that there is never a good reason to marry someone with a detachable butt.
It might seem neat
like, you might think you’ll be able to hide your drugs in there or something
but you’ve gotta plan ahead, my friend
for when you have to decapitate them for fornicating with snakes and then ascend to heaven.

The end.

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3 thoughts on “Whiskey Jack and the Flying Butt

  1. Sometimes, I wonder how people come up with shit like this. Anyway, great myth as always. Can I place a request for a retelling of the legend of Diarmuid of the Love Spot? Two swords, two spears and plenty of love to give to the ladies.

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