How the Trojan War Got Started

Ok so like

The gods are having this party, right?
They invite everybody. Literally EVERYBODY except for this one chick Eris. Eris is just completely the worst person not to invite to your party because number one she is a huge bitch and number two she is the GODDESS OF FUCKING CHAOS.
So the party gets started, and you know bacchus prolly has his hand up like six different kinds of blouse by this point, and all of a sudden this apple just rolls into the party and the gods are all like
WHAAAAAAAAAAT is this
and on the apple it says
“To the fairest” but in greek, not in english.
So being gods they decide to make this into the biggest pissing contest possible and not just you know eat the apple or something and so Hera says “hey yeah obviously that is meant for me” and Athena says “what no come on look at my tits” and aphrodite says “hey guys are you forgetting that I basically INVENTED SEX” and bacchus is just laughing his ass off cause this distraction just means he can get his hands up so many more blouses also he’s pretty drunk.
Anyway these three chicks are like “OH NO SHE DI-INT” all over this perfectly good party until zeus goes “okay ladies stop shitting up this party” and the ladies are like “OK SO WHICH ONE OF US IS THE FAIREST” and zeus knows when to step off so he says well it wouldnt be fair for me to judge seeing as i have probably fucked every single person at this party like 40 times so let’s get an impartial judge.

So they go and get a mortal named Paris. I think they pick Paris because he is the only dude they know who is enough of a fucking retard to get involved in this shit. they hit him up and are like “hey how would you like to potentially incur the wrath of two of the three most powerful female beings in the universe?” and Paris goes “do i get to see tits?”

SO THE CONTEST IS ON. But it’s a complete sham because right away Hera says “if you pick me in the beauty contest I will make you a king” and then Athena says “oh yeah well i will make you incredibly wise” and aphrodite says “hello why do you guys keep forgetting i invented sex hey paris do you want some sex pick me.” so paris picks aphrodite because he is just itching to get his dick wet watching all these goddesses prance around naked all over the place.

So aphrodite is like hm where should i find a chick to give to Paris? Oh I know I will steal one from some other king and give her to paris and that sure won’t piss anyone off. Guess what? it totally does piss someone off, and then Hera makes it worse by going over to the dude who lost his wife (Menelaus) and being like you know what’s a great idea? all out war against the dude who took your wife.

So yeah, then the trojan war happens. there’s a bunch of pages describing all the dudes who show up to the war who you never see again and then pretty much everybody gets murdered and Achilles is basically an emo bitch the whole time the end.

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8 thoughts on “How the Trojan War Got Started

  1. Pingback: Melkor Knocks Some Shit Over | Myths RETOLD

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  3. I love your writing, and I think you should PLEASE write a section on the Illiad. The whole slave argument, and the whiney bitches Achilles and Menelaus and the more important things that happen. Our class is going over it in English and the teacher and I are the only ones who understand it. And she often turns to me for help.
    Now I”m turning to you because I can’t keep explaining all this shit to those idiots.
    PLEASE HELP ME WITH YOUR SARCASTIC AND PERVERTED WRITING SKILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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