Here’s a pretty good one:

So there’s this dude Tiresias, right? I think I mentioned him when i was talking about the dude who fucked his mom. yeah so besides having an awesome name, Tiresias is this guy who was walking in the forest one day or maybe the mountains and he sees these two snakes doing it and so he just goes WHAT I DON’T WANNA SEE NO SNAKES DOIN IT UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN and just runs up and beats them to death with his trusty walking stick. Also he is blind but maybe not at this point in the story cause i guess he needed to see the snakes. Anyway, apparently Hera was really involved in seeing these snakes do it because then she gets REALLY pissed and says HEY MOTHERFUCKER SO YOU LIKE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SNAKES HUH WELL HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU … into a woman for some reason.
So bam, Tiresias becomes a woman for 7 years. He doesn’t treat it as a punishment basically at all and in fact he just shits right into Hera’s hands by becoming the best prostitute the world has ever seen. Lady Tiresias just pullin’ out all the fucking stops. So after 7 years of awesome loveless sex he i mean she is wandering through the mountains again and sees two snakes doing it. Now you can read different versions of the myth and some of them say that he left the snakes alone but i prefer the one that says that he just went fuck it and ran up and beat the snakes to death again. and then Hera kind of sighed and realized that she was not going to teach this motherfucker anything about anything and let him be a man again because really if you are going around beating the shit out of reptiles what are you other than the ultimate man? I think that’s when he goes blind, maybe just because he is too awesome to have eyes or maybe because he is also a prophet (oh did I not mention that part? Yeah he’s a motherfucking prophet too) and the light of the divine burns out his retinas or some shit. And then after that he shows up in a whole bunch of storied and he is always right about everything he says and no one ever fucks with him because he is psychic and also probably a sex god.

The end.

14 thoughts on “Tiresias

  1. Yeah, this totally makes me want to change my name to Lady Tiresias. Also I really love that I went "Wouldn't it be cool if…" and you went "YEAH" and BAM this shit was born.

  2. Oh man oh man you left out the part where Zeus was sexing up Hera and he was all "man, women are so lucky, they have way more fun during sexy time" and Hera was all "whatchoo talkin' bout, Zeus, Men totally dig sex more" and Zeus is all "THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS I WILL TURN INTO A WOMAN AND HAVE SEX WITH A MAN OH WAIT NO HAHA THAT WOULD BE WAY TOO EASY I'ma go ask Tiresias, because he was totally a she way back when."

    So Zeus and Hera swing by Tiresias' pad and he's all "oh shit gods, let me hide my porn mags real quick I swear I only read them for the articles," and Zeus is all "shut up and tell us who likes sex more, dudes or chicks."

    So Tiresias thinks about it for a bit and he says "basically it's like this, chicks dig foreplay" which was basically the BIGGEST COP OUT OF ALL TIME and Zeus is like "HA I WIN" and Hera is all "Because of your impiety, Tiresias, BAM you are now blind," but it was really just because she was a sore loser.

  3. @ uragoodperson
    yeah, but you totally got it the other way around, Hera said men like it better, and then Tiresias said that chicks are waaaaaaay hornier, and Hera struck him blink, because she is frigid I guess.

    • The myth I read said Hera and Zeus were arguing about who got more benefit from LOVE, and Zeus said ladies liked it way better and men were all like “Yeah whatevs.” so they asked Tiresias because he’d been both, and he was all impish and was like, “I totes side with Zeus you ladies is crazy!” and Hera got mad ‘cuz she’s the goddess of marriage and he was being a creep.

      Hera’s not a sore loser OR frigid, she’s got a dick for a husband who sleeps with anything with a PULSE and doesn’t give a damn about the consequences. She just pisses on the mortals ‘cuz Zeus is the KING OF ALL GODS. Can’t much have a rebellion against your husbandking. And how else do you deal with your anger when you aren’t allowed to blow shit up? Zeus is a jerk.

    • Also, the reason Tiresias was a prophet was because because it went like this:
      T: Yeah, girls like it better (when you do it right)
      H: fuck you, I’m making you blind
      Z: Sorry about that, um, can’t make you see again but now you can know the past and future.
      So now Tiresias is the “wisest person” because he knows the past and future, and has lived as both a woman and a man.

  4. Didn't Tireisias get blind cause he saw Athena bathing and she was all, "Bitch you can't look at me naked without consequences, but now that you're blind here, have some foretelling powers." ?

    I think that was what happened.

  5. Pingback: I am fucking terrified of spiders | Myths RETOLD

  6. Pingback: This is a little late, but whatever | Myths RETOLD

  7. Pingback: Philoctetes, more like PhilocTITTIES am I right | Myths RETOLD

  8. Damn, I definitely thought that the moral of the story would be “If you keep beating your snake you’ll go blind.” Sigh…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *