Hyppolitus, A Play About Sex Problems

Holy cow it’s been a long time since I did a greek myth
so
speaking of holy cows
here’s a story about the daughter of pasiphae
(Pasiphae fucked a holy cow)
this daughter’s name is Phaedra
and the play about her is appropriately titled:

HIPPOLYTUS BY EURIPIDES
(adapted for internet by Fake Ovid Naso)

All of the horrible shit that’s about to happen is happening in Athens, Greece, which is the city that Theseus is the king of. Theseus is on his third wife at this point, because he abandoned the first one (Ariadne) on an island and the second one (Hyppolita) killed herself at his wedding to his third wife (Phaedra). This play is not named after any of those people. It’s named after Theseus’s son from his second marriage: Hyppolitus. Aphrodite is here right now and she does not like Hyppolitus at all.

APHRODITE: Oh my god fuck Hyppolitus. Seriously, somebody please fuck Hyppolitus. That little sanctimonius piss merchant has made a pledge to Artemis that he won’t fuck no ladies no-how, and no matter how much poon I shovel his way, he sticks to his limp-ass guns. Well fine. If he’s not gonna get fucked the fun way, I’m gonna fuck him in the un-fun way. BOOM! Phaedra’s in love with him now. Have fun dealing with unstoppable stepmom lust, cricket-dick.

Aphrodite exits directly into the towering orgy that is her life. Then there’s a scene where Hyppolitus shows up at Athens and fails to pay respects to Aphrodite but we already know he’s a swaggerless eunuch so let’s skip to the good shit: here comes Phaedra and her horny nurse

NURSE: Ok seriously you need to eat something.

PHAEDRA: Nah I’m good.

NURSE: You have not eaten anything in like six days. I get that thin is in or whatever but you are going to fucking die and there is only a small subset of people in the kingdom who are into that shit.

PHAEDRA: Dying seems pretty cool.

NURSE: Clearly something is up right now and you need to tell me what it is

PHAEDRA: Promise you won’t freak out?

NURSE: I promise

PHAEDRA: I wanna sex up Hyppolitus

NURSE: OH WHAT THE FUCK

PHAEDRA: You just said you wouldn’t freak out!

NURSE: Yeah well you just said you wanna slap laps with your step-son so I guess it’s a pretty crazy night all around huh?

PHAEDRA: So you understand then. The only logical solution here is for me to kill myself. Every other solution involves having sex with my step-son.

NURSE: Okay calm down. Let’s think about this like rational people.

PHAEDRA: But we’re characters in a greek tragedy

NURSE: Oh yeah, shit. Tell you what: I can make a potion that will make you stop loving Hyppolitus, but first I need to get him to give you a token of his affection, so I’ll go explain the whole situation to him and it will all work out perfectly with no complications.

PHAEDRA: What a shitty plan

NURSE: Remember when you were gonna starve yourself to death because you like a boy?

PHAEDRA: Fine, do your thing.

Nurse goes into the castle to find Hyppolitus.

NURSE: Yo Hyppolitus I have something to tell you but first you have to pinkie swear not to tell anyone else

HYPPOLITUS: Sure, what’s up?

NURSE: I need you to fuck your step-mom.

HYPPOLITUS: Super not going to!

NURSE: Come on she’s technically not even related to you

HYPPOLITUS: One: it’s still creepy. Two: if it wasn’t creepy I still wouldn’t do it because I am a VIRGIN who HATES SEX.

NURSE: We’re talking about the chick your dad left your mom for. She’s obviously super hot.

HYPPOLITUS: That is HIGHLY UNCONVINCING.

NURSE: Her mom fucked a bull. She’s probably kinky!

HYPPOLITUS: God dammit if you hadn’t made me promise not to tell anyone about this I would SO BE TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THIS

NURSE: Well duh that’s why I made you promise.

HYPPOLITUS: UGH. GIRLS ARE SO GROSS. I’m going out hunting. When my dad gets back home you are going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE.

Hyppolitus runs away. The Nurse goes outside to tell Phaedra she fucked up.

PHAEDRA: How’d it go?

NURSE: Not … great?

PHAEDRA: Shit. Guess I better go kill myself.

NURSE: Guess so.

Bummer. Theseus gets home a few minutes later and finds his wife’s corpse

THESEUS: Aw man not again. I just got this one! Hey, there’s a note attached to her: “Dear Theseus, Hyppolitus raped me and I was so ashamed about it that I killed myself. Love, your dead wife.” Aw, fuck! Hyppolitus, get in here!

HYPPOLITUS: Hey dad what’s upOH MY GOD PHAEDRA’S DEAD

THESEUS: Don’t act so surprised you sex criminal

HYPPOLITUS: But I didn’t … she came on to me!

THESEUS: Wow. Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?

HYPPOLITUS: Man I wish I could tell you more, but I sort of … promised not to?

THESEUS: Weak. You’re exiled. I hope you die. In fact, I’m gonna do better than hope. I’m gonna cash in one of my favors with Poseidon to actually make you die.

This all happens. Hyppolitus gets banished, and then Poseidon causes an earthquake and Hyppolitus’s horses freak out and drag him to death. It’s pretty brutal. Then, Artemis shows up!

ARTEMIS: Hey, sorry I’m late. You didn’t kill Hyppolitus yet, did you? Because he’s innocent. Totally innocent the whole time.

THESEUS: Oh. … Well shit.

ARTEMIS: I guess the moral of the story is …

ALL: Women are liars!

NURSE: Hey, is anybody worried that stories like these enable a culture of victim-blaming and rape denial?

ARTEMIS: THE END!

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4 thoughts on “Hyppolitus, A Play About Sex Problems

  1. New style? I like how you did this play with stage directions and everything. Pretty theatrical-like.
    But seriously. This:

    “-Okay calm down. Let’s think about this like rational people.”
    “-But we’re characters in a greek tragedy”

    Needs to be a t-shirt. Accompanied with a picture of some brutally insane greek scene, like Agamemnon butchering his daughter or something.
    Or it needs to be in an actual play. What I’m saying is, Ovid, write a play. I’d watch the shit out of that.

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